I hope this works. I don't know how many people are following this blog right now, but I know it's not many. This is to you. For your birthday. 20, are you? Wow you're old, honey. I hope you are well. I hope you are a million days clean and you haven't had a bad thought in weeks. I hope you and Devon are still together. His name was Devon right? I'm a little forgetful right now. I need you to keep smiling, okay? That smile got me through so many days. It's like medicine. I always thought you were just the most beautiful thing. I've never seen anyone as stunning as you, and i never will. Your heart was like a beacon of joy and i will always love you for that. My bunny. Hunnybunny.
I wonder if you miss me. Do you think about me? I hope they're good thoughts. I hope i didn't destroy you and your life when I left. I only want the best for you. I'm sorry i never said goodbye, i just thought you would blame yourself. I know if you woke up to one of those messages you would hate yourself for falling asleep. I didn't say goodbye to anyone. Not a soul. Not Olivia, not Julia, not Gillian, not my mum, not anyone. I didn't ask for help. I didn't reach out near the end. I didn't tell anyone my plans. I did it because I was tired and broken and no matter how much of your love was given to me, I could never be fixed. I love you so much, and I appreciate everything that you have done for me. You did so much. more than anyone else ever has. You are my best friend, and I'm sorry I left you. I hope that answers a lot of your questions.
Do you and Julia talk at all? I told her to make sure you and gillian were ok through it all. To keep you and her close. You both love each other so much but you just don't talk to each other. Talk to one another, you will learn some surprising things. You both want the other one to be happy, and you both want the other one to talk to you, but somehow when and if you two ever do converse it never does come up. Befriend each other, don't just be sisters. I love you two most of all. I cherish you and your laughter. I miss skyping with you ladies. That was so fun. Most fun ive had in years. I wish we did it more often. Tell Gillian her laughter sounds like Christmas bells and she should laugh more than she does.
Bunny, I love you. I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you please never forget that. I never want to hurt you. I know I said I would never leave but I cant do this anymore. I'm so sorry. Please be okay. I love you so much. I hope Alex and Rosie are up there waiting for me, if they are I promise I will take such good care of them. I'll tell them all about their princess mommy who has hair like Rapunzel, skin like snow white and eyes like Cinderella. They will know you, I promise.
I don't know how to end this letter, but I hope you are having the best birthday you could have ever dreamed of. I also want you to know that julia doesn't have the password to this blog, so if you ever need to talk to me in a way that just talking to the ceiling cant do, you can always send a message over here. I'll be watching and listening, I promise you. I love you so much. unconditionally and irrevocably.
So much love sent to you,
Jamie.
I don't know who's going to read this, but who ever does, tell inabilities (if that is still her username) to read this. Thank you very much.