Dinner Conversations | Jon & Emily
"Jonathan?" Jon heard his sister call out, causing him to turn around and face her, his eyebrows raised in curiosity. "You’ll be staying for the night, won’t you? You won’t.. leave?"
Jon smiled and shook his head. “I will be staying, Joanna.”
"Good." Joanna replied, smiling before she turned her attention to Emily. "And it was lovely having you for dinner, Em. You should come by more often. I wish you could join us for dessert but, obviously, you two have more important… things to do.” Grinning, Joanna waved goodbye before following her parents to the garden.
Jon had to keep himself from rolling his eyes. “I’m sorry about that,” he said, placing his hand atop Emily’s on his arm. “You know how my sister is. Shall we go?”
Jon helped Emily with her coat and after wearing his own, the two made their way out of the Rochester home. The air was much colder than when Jon arrived but he was glad to have gotten out of the house. He needed to speak to Emily and he couldn’t quite say what he wanted to say with his family around. It wasn’t that he didn’t trust them or that he feared they would laugh at him. Jon’s parents had no knowledge about his feelings for Emily and he wanted to ask Emily if he could tell them about their relationship before actually doing so. He didn’t want to make assumptions. Besides, as sure as he was of his feelings, he was beginning to doubt if Emily still felt the same for him. They had discussed it before and Emily had admitted to caring for Jon, but there was a part of Jon that feared that over the course of a few months, her feelings had changed. After all, they hadn’t seen each other in quite a while and while his feelings had remained the same— in fact, Jon felt as if his feelings for her intensified— he couldn’t help but have doubts.
He began asking her questions about her day, and about how she’d been doing these past few months that they hadn’t seen each other. But while he was sincerely curious, he couldn’t help but feel as if he was prolonging something. There was so much more that he wanted to say, but he couldn’t quite bring himself to say it. The words were there, but they were stuck in his throat and he couldn’t quite find his voice. Had the situation been completely different, Jon would have laughed at himself. He’d never been one to struggle with words. Like his sister, he was always able to say exactly what he was thinking and feeling, but there he was, clearly struggling.
Jon listened to her speak, nodding his head as they walked. When she asked him about how he’s been, he shrugged nonchalantly then told her he’d been fine. Except for the fact that I haven’t seen you, he thought but didn’t say. His heart continued to feel heavy as they walked and when they reached past the barn, he couldn’t take it anymore. He stopped walking and stood in front of her then said “I have missed you more than I can say, Emily.” He took her hands in his then sighed. The past few months have, indeed, been torture and Jon only had himself to blame. He could have gone to see her sooner, but for some reason, he hadn’t. He regretted it, of course. He regretted it with his entire being and if Emily told him that her feelings for him have changed, he knew he would only have himself to blame.
"I apologize, by the way, for how I spoke to you a while ago." A rueful smile spread across his lips and he couldn’t help but feel sheepish. "My mother and father— I haven’t told them yet about us and I did not want you to feel as if I took liberties." Plus, there was the fact that Jon did not know what he and Emily were, exactly. He had not exactly asked her if he could court her yet, but they have kissed more than once and when they were together, it was evident to anyone who saw them that they were more than just friends. Jon did not know much about Nephilim courtships, but he was a gentleman through and through and he wished to court Emily in the proper way if she would let him. "I.. I also do not quite know how to introduce you to them. You are not simply my friend, Emily." he said, his brows furrowing as he struggled to find the right words to explain his sentiment. "You are so much more than that, and I hope I have not insulted you."
The pleasantries had seemed endless long enough for Emily to be sincerely caught off guard when Jon had taken her hands in his, and then, gone on to refer to the two of them as 'us' in a manner that seemed to suggest that they were some kind of unit. He had not wanted to take any liberties. And there she was, having assumed for some time that there were no liberties left to take -- that she had told him in every way possible apart from out loud that her heart, soul and entire being irrevocably belonged to him and that she would, as much as she loathed herself for it, have little to no objections should he wish to kiss her or throw her off a cliff. It was not by choice, but rather, something she felt utterly helpless to. Emily was extremely vulnerable to his touch, and would most likely walk through fire should he ask of her to do so. Anything less than that seemed like no liberty at all.
Although, she couldn't quite blame him for his doubts. Emily herself was far from sure of what the two of them really were to each other. She looked down at their intertwined hands. She was incredibly lucky that the one who held such power over her was Jonathan Rochester. Any other man would have abused his position, rather than ask a girl whose lips were no stranger to his own whether it was alright for him to declare that she was more than simply a friend to his own parents. But then again, could she really ever have felt the same way for anyone else? He was Jon, selfishly her Jon, and there had never once been, and would never again be, anyone whose every word and action embodied such good.
For long, and even in that moment, Emily was sceptic towards the volatile use of the word 'love' -- had she not seen it with her own eyes she would perhaps not have believed in the thing at all. But when she saw him, when he smiled, when he made her feel whole and strong and delicate all at once, the worddidn't seem quite sufficient. Her heart was quick to correct her whenever she thought it was. The way it sped up when she saw him and calmed down only when he held her was so delightfully annoying. Still, for these past few months, she had continued to drift inbetween despair and denial. That sensation held far more familiarity than admitting what she already knew and surrendering herself to happiness.
He had missed her. And by the Angel, she had missed him, too. He was declaring a wish to announce whatever intentions he had to both her and his parents -- he looked so precious and perfect in the evening light by the barn where they had first kissed an eternity ago, holding her hands in his and making her wonder whether it was fair at all for someone as flawed as her to receive the affections of someone as devoted and good as him. It wasn't fair to either of them. He deserved true love, and even though Emily knew that her heart was his, she wondered if hers was as pure and sweet as that of his first love whom he was sure he hadn't forgotten. And never would.
"You don't love me," she said faintly under her breath, hearing and feeling a part of her shatter as she did for she knew that it was true. I will never be her.
Emily blinked, shaking her head as her hands turned to stone in his and the reason she had wanted to speak to him in the first place made itself reminded. The reason she could not quite tell whether Jon telling her that he'd missed her during the time they'd been apart made things better or worse. "Insult? Oh, Jon," she begun, her eyes wide and heart flickering. "You could never... why would you..."
And then, like blood pumping out of an open wound, the words steadily pushed past her lips. Only, not the ones she had been trying to utter.
"I am going to Beijing."
