Hyperfixations Only

She/her. No consistency. Only whatever I’m obsessed with at the moment.

[narutwitter]

[teaboot]

Yeah Mr. Darcy’s proposal was a complete turd and a half but you gotta understand. You got your life together. A good career, stable income, retirement plan, all that shit together. And you meet this girl. And she’s everything. Clever, outspoken, funny, calls you on your bullshit. Grade A cutie, right? And she doesn’t go out of her way to spend time with you but she’s nice, and sometimes you catch her looking your way in a way that makes you think you might have a shot.

But her family. Holy shit.

First off, it’s p much ALL women, and mostly UNMARRIED women, which at this time means of something happens to her dad then you’re financially responsible for like. Four grown ass adults, potentially forever

Because mom in law is DEFINITELY gonna need someone to take care of her when dad in law kicks it, and they have like. NO money. So already you’re accepting that if all goes well, you’re gonna be one random old bag’s retirement home. That’s expensive and exhausting, yeah? Imagine asking someone on a first date knowing that if they say yes and things go good her high-strung chihuahua mother is gonna move in with you. IMAGINE.

And girly’s other sisters. Well, one is a sweetheart, yeah, so she probably won’t be an issue, but that still leaves three more, and two of those ones are INSUFFERABLE. Never went to school, dumb as rocks, spend cash like it’s toilet paper

And while one of the two is young still and might grow out of it the OTHER one is actively torpedo’ing her entire family’s reputation by wandering off with random dudes and chasing ass. She’s never gonna work, she can’t build connections, she’s a fucking sinkhole, and she’s being led on by the same goddamn con man ass leeching tit who’s been bleeding you dry while telling anyone who’ll listen that your family is full of ratty thieving bastards.

And if he dumps her after a week- WHICH YOU KNOW HIS BITCH ASS IS GONNA- you’ve got a SECOND UNMARRIABLE GROWN ASS ADULT TO PROVIDE FOR. And you KNOW she’s gonna be a tantrum-throwing little shit about it, and it’s not like you can lock her in the basement or something, you’re gonna have to bring her fucking. Everywhere. And give her an allowance and shit while she contributes zero, because again, she NEVER GOT EDUCATED AND HAS NO MARKETABLE SKILLS. She’s not even good to TALK to. FUCK

And you’re looking at this girl’s father like “please for the love of fuck get your spawn under control, marry them off, get them working on their résumé, learning to sew or be nursemaids or manage staff or SOMETHING, yall got no money and one foot in the grave” and that old man just laughs like “haha yeah, what can you do. lol”

So you’re looking to the mom and finally it’s making sense how she got that twitch in her eye and as MUCH as she is you’re starting to realize she’s the SMART one, desperately throwing her armloads of girls at random men like they’re a bunch of fucking lifeboats bobbing around a sinking ship, like yes Jesus Christ sweetly that life boat IS old and ugly and kind of boring but for FUCKS SAKE PICK ONE

And you look back at this girl who is ALSO REFUSING THE LIFE BOATS BY THE WAY and god damn it she’s still the most radiant thing you’ve ever seen so fine, fuck it, Christ alive, you’ll do it. You’ll shoot your shot. She’s everything you’ve ever wanted in anybody abut it’s not even just about that anymore, it’s about being her best fucking shot at a future, and even if she doesn’t like you all that much she’s still gonna say yes and that might break your heart a bit knowing it’s about the money but who knows, maybe it will at least be civil, or companionable, and even if she doesn’t LOVE you at least you’ll know she’s well and cared for

And so you’ll do it. You’ll take on the neurotic stress mess mother in law, the absent father, the broke ass wingnut no brain no money no future airhead sisters, the bad mannered relatives and the embarrassing behaviour and the impending future of sharing your entire shit with a clown parade of freeloaders, you’ll risk it all and accept the absolute certainty of financial ruin and emotional exhaustion for the rest of your whole ass life and you’ll make your own family deal with it too, you’ll do it, you’ll fucking DO IT, you stupid lovesick motherfucker

And so you go to this chick like “look. Your whole family’s a shitshow. You’ve got fucking nothing and you’re gonna die on the street. But for some reason- and I don’t get it either- I’ve fallen in love with you, and I wish I didn’t, but I did, so I’m telling you that whether you like me or not, I’ll give you everything. I’ll give you everything even if it’s the dumbest shit I ever done. Fuck my stupid Baka ass, I’ll marry you.”

And she looks at you- having heard or considered absolutely none of your months-long internal debate and monologue- and goes “The fuck did you just say about my family, you son of a bitch?”

And the shock of that is enough to jolt you back into a reality where you are able to actually hear and process what just came out of your damn mouth And yeah

Yeah, I think I kinda get it

[diornies]

letter to theo by vincent van gogh

[emilyspanicroom]

I wish we’d grown

It would be too strange to say hey I still think of when we were younger and you were my favourite person in all the world

I wonder if you felt the same all consuming sense of reverence for the time we spent together

If you also looked at me and felt, despite not knowing everything

(or much really, at all)

that there was nothing in me so hideous that you could not accept

It probably wasn’t normal just how excited I was every time I got to see you,

like every meeting was a new first impression.

I hoarded your preferences; the fact you like mango juice and are terrible at crafts

like proof I had something close to as much of you as you had of me

[emilyspanicroom]

God when Agatha said in the SOGE “can you make me beautiful enough to be loved?”

Beautiful enough to be liked and forgiven, beautiful enough to be human and treated like you are soft and deserving of compassion. Beauty compels an involuntary kind of kindness and I want just a piece of it.

[emilyspanicroom]

Sometimes time isn’t linear, you blink and it’s 7 years ago and then it’s next week and there’s a ringing in your head and life makes you ridiculous. Sometimes you are a pathetic little man jiggled to sleep by magic fingers.

[emilyspanicroom]

I want you to think I am strong and capable but still walk me home at night. I want you to ask me if it’s alright. I want you to ask me if I want to do it even if you know I can because it’s not a question of ability; it’s a question of wanting.

[deathofsveta]

[asoftepiloguemylove]

i will do as devils do. fall.

Sylvia Plath The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath / S. Osborn Blasphemies at the 5th Street Station / Kate Cayley Lent / retirementfund (on etsy) BEGOTTN HORROR PATCH / Ethel Cain Sun Bleached Files / Nicola Yoon The Sun is Also a Star / unknown

i. Sylvia Plath, The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath

[ "I need a father. I need a mother. I need some older, wiser being to cry to. I talk to God, but the sky is empty." ]

ii. S. Osborn, Blasphemies at the 5th Street Station

[ " 'if there is a light then i am going to swallow it. if there is a god then i'm going to make him cry.' / - s. osborn, from 'blasphemies at the 5th street station,' published in The Rising Phoenix Review (via lifeinpoetry)" ]

iii. Kate Cayley, Lent

[ "When I think of God, I think of hiding. The way a child hides. In hope of being found." ]

iv. retirementfund, BEGOTTN HORROR PATCH

[ Black patch with a screenshot form the horror movie Begotten. A grainy black and white image of a woman standing as she looks down at something. "GOD IS DEAD / ALL HAIL NATURE" ]

v. Ethel Cain, Sun Bleached Files

[ "What I wouldn't give to be in Church this Sunday / Listening to the choir, so heartfelt, all singing / God loves you, but not enough to save you" ]

vii. Nicola Yoon, The Sun is Also a Star

[ "I wish I still felt that way. Growing up and seeing your parents flaws is like losing your religion. I don't believe in God anymore. I don't believe in my father either." ]

vii. unknown

[ Black and white drawing of a statue of a man looking upwards into the distance. "GOD ONLY LISTENS TO ME WHEN I SPEAK THROUGH SIN / IN TRANSLATION MY PRAYERS FALL FROM GRACE BUT I AM HEARD" ]

[emilyspanicroom]

Feminine rage? Try feminine depression! *falls apart in an utterly mundane, meaningless and inconsequential way, a silly girl with her silly little sadness and oh that’s so cute she really MEANS it this time she’s SERIOUS isn’t that funny…*

[reimenaashelyee]

My adaptation of the God of Arepo short story, which was originally up at ShortBox Comics Fair for charity. You can get a copy of the DRM-free ebook here for free - and I'd encourage you to donate to Mighty Writers or The Ministry of Stories in exchange.

Again it's an honour to be drawing one of my favourite short stories ever. Thank you so much for the original authors for creating this story; and for everyone who bought a copy and donated to the above non-profits.

[emilyspanicroom]

And somewhere down the road we are laughing and I tie my hair in a yellow handkerchief and we paint the walls and are terrible at it and paint falls on my cheek and you brush it away and the sunlight makes the white golden and for once we aren’t too ashamed to be sincere.

[emilyspanicroom]

Have you ever thought of how in Hedwig and the Angry Inch, Wicked Little Town Reprise is not just an imagined or hallucinated apology from Tommy to Hedwig. It’s not even her realizing that she deserves Tommy’s apology. It’s an apology to the self - the acknowledgement and the realization that even though she cannot love herself, even if she is not the person she wants to be, she deserves forgiveness.

And this is the way that forgiveness manifests. The self takes on another form to confess to the harm it did, in its self-hatred (forgive me for I did not know). To acknowledge it did not deserve to be hated and reviled (you were so much more than any god could ever plan/more than a woman or a man). To offer itself understanding and absolution (and now I understand how much I took from you). It’s not a real apology but it is, because some part of her, even if she can’t believe it is her, believes she can be forgiven.

And sometimes the way home to your truest self is blocked and you have no other choice, and the ones that hurt you the most will never think to say forgive me but you deserve to forgive yourself.

[emilyspanicroom]

You are not unkind

There is a kindness in you and like anything else, it is prone to decay. It is not a trait but a practice; showing up, inviting people to things, making time, remembering. Learning how to give and give without feeling like you are giving something up. Until it flows from you, like one breath to the next.

[emilyspanicroom]

Today I waited in the hospital for 4 hours and the doctor said well, what are you, 25 and I had to say no, no I’m not actually, and she looked at my form and said oh you must be terribly offended and didn’t ask why I was there alone and said dearest, drop this form off with reception, you’ve been so good and make sure you pick up the new prescription and I wanted to cry because she didn’t know that I haven’t told my mom.

[emilyspanicroom]

I wish the days did not exhaust me. Life oscillates between the necessary and my bed. And it feels like all the kindness in my soul has dried up and I miss when I was soft and sweet and gentle and it was easy. I miss the capacity to want to be kind. I am so full of resentment. i went from being a child to being old and worn out and bitter about it instead of resigned. And I hate people who love me enough to pretend I am simply tired, not cruel, or stupid enough not to know, and swallow their affection whole and vomit it out and leave them empty and I want to waste away elegantly, until I am nothing at all.

[kittyofinsanity]

[enters IMGflip] [emerges 3 hours later with Goncharov (1973) and The Goncharov Trilogy book series memes] Please appreciate what I do for you with nothing more than a vague recollection from reading the books as a teenager and only recently finding out there was an entire movie made from them, apparently.