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2020 Reads.

In Too Deep - Mary Connealy (Okay. I forgot I didn’t like the first one).

The Oregon Trail - Rinker Buck

The Day the World Came to Town - Jim Defede

Shattered - Dani Pettrey

Stranded - Dani Pettrey

Silenced - Dani Pettrey

Sabotaged - Dani Pettrey

Death Wears a Mask - Ashley Weaver

To Love and Cherish - Tracie Peterson & Judith Miller

Last Hope Island - Lynne Olson

A Most Novel Revenge - Ashley Weaver

Knox - Susan May Warren

The Essence of Malice - Ashley Weaver

Over the Edge - Mary Connealy

Heroes in the Skies - Ian Darling

Fugitives of the Forest - Allan Levine

Oath of Honor - Lynette Eason

Called to Protect- Lynette Eason

Protecting Tanner Hollow - Lynette Eason

The Girl with No Name - Diney Costeloe

An Act of Villainy - Ashley Weaver

A Dangerous Engagement - Ashley Weaver

The Married Girls - Diney Costeloe

Jackdaws- Ken Follett

The Room on Rue Amelie - Kristin Harmel

Code of Valor - Lynette Eason

Vow of Justice- Lynette Eason

Cold Shot - Dani Pettrey

Decision Points- George W. Bush

The Boys in the Boat - Daniel James Brown

Still Life - Dani Pettrey

Blind Spot - Dani Pettrey

Generation Friends - Saul Austerlitz

Resistance Women - Jennifer Chiaverini

Dead Drift - Dani Pettrey

D-Day Girls - Sarah Rose

Relentless Strike - Sean Naylor

Eat This, Not That! When You’re Expecting

Feed the Belly: The Pregnant Mom’s Healthy Eating Guide

Fit and Healthy Pregnancy

Flights of Fancy - Jen Turano

More than Words Can Say - Karen Witemeyer

Through Waters Deep - Sarah Sundin

Anchor in the Storm - Sarah Sundin

When Tides Turn - Sarah Sundin

Writer, Sailor, Soldier, Spy - Nicholas Reynolds

The Doula’s Guide to Empowering Your Birth - Lindsey Bliss

The Sea Before Us - Sarah Sundin

Deception at Thornecrest - Ashley Weaver

Natural Hospital Birth - Cynthia Gabriel

Sworn to Protect - DiAnn Mills

Pursuit of Justice - DiAnn Mills

Code Name: Lise - Larry Loftis

Diamond in the Rough - Jen Turano

2019

I haven’t written in a long time. To be really honest, this year was not great. I’ve been emotionally all over the place since March. Did I mention that it is December?

January-February - we pretty much spent all months working on the house. No sink, no stove, no kitchen, no lives. For Valentine’s Day, we cleaned the construction area and ordered Marco’s pizza. So romantic.

March may have been the worst month of my life. I still can’t think about March without losing it. I’ve never experienced the pain of losing a loved one, not to mention watching a swift decline over the course of 3 weeks knowing there was nothing I could do to help him. My family feels broken and nothing will ever be the same. I get choked up anytime we sing a song in church that mentions dying, I keep imagining the rest of my family dying, and I still cry multiple times a week. I have to read until I fall asleep every night, or I can’t sleep because I just keep thinking about those last few weeks and the final day in the rehab center. I’m so thankful that the last words I ever said to my grandpa were “I love you.” In his raspy voice, he said “I love you too, sweetheart.” And that was it. Less than 2 days later, he was gone.

Joyful Elainna comes out when other people are around, but I’ve not felt joyful inside since he died. How can I? Something is wrong and missing and it’s only going to get worse. My grandma is going to die someday. My parents are going to die someday. I don’t think I can handle the pain of watching my family die. Once was more than enough.

I feel like I should be better by now. I am a little better than I was, but I’m not sure that I’ll ever be fully okay again. I can sometimes think of a memory and smile. But, there are WAY more tears than smiles. I still don’t know how to fully process through my grief, and have used a variety of strategies to push it aside. TV, reading, podcasts, etc. Songs at church don’t make me feel joyful anymore - they just make me feel sad. How can I shout for joy when I feel so awful on the inside? I still don’t know how to process through my grief or how to make it go away.

Taking care of my grandma has also been a little bit exhausting. I love her and am happy to spend time with her. It’s just sometimes hard and emotional.

I don’t remember much about April. Ben and I went to NYC after Aly’s wedding.

May - we celebrated our anniversary, and I took an impromptu trip to Florida over Memorial Day weekend with Lauren and a few of her friends.

June, July - I sat by the pool and read. A LOT. It was so refreshing to not have soccer, to not have to tutor, and to actually spend a summer relaxing. It was also good to get out of the house and not do house work. A much needed break.

August - 1st year teaching a K/1 class. I miss Megan so much. Teaching is so much less fun without her. She was my work buddy, and now she’s gone. I honestly don’t want to have kids, but only about two years until I am done teaching. Once I quit, I don’t ever think I will go back. Megan moving buildings gives me even less incentive to stay. I like my team (most days), but I’m just kind of over it. I like the kids. I hate the paperwork. I don’t like raising other peoples’ kids and needy parents. I don’t like all the extra crap that I spend hours of my life doing. I love my kindergarten kids. I am hopeful that I will get to keep most of them next year.

September - a blur.

October - started working on the downstairs bathroom again and painting more things. Got the house together a little more.

November - house work, TV watching, decorated for Christmas. Thanksgiving celebrations, and able to run most of the Drumstick Dash, which after last year I was not sure I was going to be able to do. I was sick a lot during October and November.

December - WInterlights, Festival of Trees, Christmas preparations, more painting and house work, etc.

I hate being such a Debbie downer about this year. It was just really hard. There were lots of good moments squeezed in with the hard, it’s just hard for me to highlight those when the hard was overwhelming.

Hoping 2020 will bring healing and joy.

Songs that carried me through this year:

Yes I Will

Reckless Love

Isn’t He

My Very Own Papa

No one taught me how to grieve. I’ve been around plenty of people who have lost people close to them. I have known for a while that this was inevitable, that time and age would eventually do its work on our family. That doesn’t diminish the pain now that the time is here. I don’t know how to handle the emotions within me. I’ve been crying pretty much off and on constantly for the past two weeks. It’s amazing how just three weeks ago, he was up walking around. In pain, yes, but moving and functioning on his own. Now we have not much time left with him. Up until today, he and I have still been joking around. I’ve fed him, visited him, and I’ve never been as scared as I was today. I thought he died twice while I was in the room. His breath is rattling when he breathes. He is twitching and moaning in his sleep. His eyes are vacant when he looks at you. It’s terrifying. I got a brief moment of clarity today when I knew he was with me. I gave him some water, and with the smallest smile he could muster, he said “Thank you.” The running joke is that he will only use manners for me. I know death is not far. When I first realized that my grandpa was indeed going to die, I choked out to Ben, “I can’t watch him die. I just can’t do it.” I’m terrified to see his lifeless body. That is not how I want to remember him. Seeing Daisy die years ago still haunts me. There is something about it that I just can’t watch. I was so scared today twice that he died while I was in the room. My heart was pounding and I thought I was going to faint. I don’t want to watch my Papa suffer. I have to constantly pray to be brave and for God to give me grace to face my pain and be strong for him. Because as much as I don’t want to watch his pain, his confusion, his suffering, I want him to be alone even less.

So far, the Lord has sustained me in this new journey of grief. He has sent articles on Twitter about grief. He gave me a husband that lets me sob and sob while he rubs my back and doesn’t say anything. I am so thankful for the gift of Ben. God knew I would need him to wade my way through this.

I want to remember my Papa as he was just weeks ago. A man who loved me well for the first 28 years of my life. The man who taught me to coupon. Who spent hours and hours of his adult life making me popcorn and watching Mary Kate and Ashley movies. Who watched Miss Congeniality with me enough times that it probably made him want to poke his eyes out. He is the first man that asked me to marry him, and continued to ask constantly until I was a teenager. He pretended not to be able to open jars, clear through when I was in college without me realizing he was popping them open for me first. My very own Papa played endless games of Kings in the Corner with me. He “taught” me to play chess, to play Pinochle. He sat through endless hours of me playing school, doing his multiplication facts, and not complaining when I yelled at him for talking. He made me a wreath for the front of the lawn mower when I came to mow the grass, and then mowed the grass again after I left because I did such a terrible job. He proudly wore mismatched socks to all of my swim meets and came to all of my soccer games. He let me paint each of his fingernails a different color of the rainbow, then proudly drove me to school the next morning. He made me feel proud when I could tell him the directions to get to my house because he was “lost.” He taught me to be confident, made me feel loved and important, and could always make me laugh.

I love him so much. It’s not every day that a girl gets to be 5 minutes or less away from her grandparents for 28 years of her life. I will forever cherish my time as their neighbor.

Driving by their house and seeing his room empty, his chair empty is going to be so hard. Watching my grandma try to figure out what to do after 70 years of taking care of my grandpa is going to be so hard. Knowing my own children will never know their great-papa, when he asked me “When am I going to get to see your little ones?” last week is devastating.

Jesus, be merciful. Give us strength. Help me to be brave.

2019 Reads

Women Heroes of WWII - Kathryn J. Atwood

Apple Cider Vinegar - Crazy Bragg People

The Lightkeeper’s Ball - Colleen Coble

Out of Control - Mary Connealy (not very good)

First Ladies - Margaret Truman

No Other Will Do - Karen Witemeyer

Heart on the Line - Karen Witemeyer

Murder on the Orient Express - Agatha Christie

Sins of the Past - Dee Henderson, Danni Pettri, Lynette Eason

Always Watching - Lynette Eason

Without Warning - Lynette Eason

Moving Target - Lynette Eason

True Believer: Stalin’s Last American Spy - Kati Marton

Chasing Secrets - Lynette Eason

The Girl on the Velvet Swing: Sex, Murder, and Madness at the Dawn of the 21st Century - Simon Baatz

The Organized Kitchen - Brette Sember

Lady of Milkweed Manor - Julie Klassen

Shoot Like a Girl - MJ Hegar

Big Little Lies - Liane Moriarty

For Your Eyes Only - Ian Fleming

Nowhere to Turn - Lynette Eason

No Place to Hide - Lynette Eason

Afraid of All the Things - Scarlet Hiltibidal - LOVED

The Number of Love - Roseanna M. White

Breach of Trust - DiAnn Mills

Brain Maker - Dr. David Perlmutter

Clean Mama’s Guide to a Healthy Home - Becky Rapinchuk

101 Ways to go Zero Waste - Kathryn Kellogg

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone - J.K. Rowling

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets - J.K. Rowling

A Light on the Hill - Connilyn Cossette

Submerged - Dani Pettrey

Firewall - DiAnn Mills

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - J.K. Rowling

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - J.K. Rowling

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - J.K. Rowling

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince - J.K. Rowling

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows - J.K. Rowling

Shelter of the Most High - Connilyn Cossette

The Alice Network - Kate Quinn

The Woman Who Smashed Codes - Jason Fagone

Lady Almina and the Real Downton Abbey - Fiona Carnarvon

50 Children - Steven Pressman

2019 Total: 44

Idols.

I really need to start journaling more often. I journaled ALL the time in college and in the few years following, and then I just kind of stopped. I think it may have something to do with the fact that instead of processing through journaling, I now have a husband to process through all of my emotions with. When I’m bawling to the point of hyperventilation, there is someone there to talk with me and calm me down. Before I get to how I’ve completely ignored my spiritual life over the past year....there have been so many other changes happening.

1. I LOVE BEING MARRIED. I love having someone to share my space with, to hang out with after work, and to just do life with. I love snuggling in the mornings and before bed. I love taking family walks with Ben and Jules. I love watching Ben mow the grass. I love having a teammate and a partner. Ben was so good to me during this soccer season. I am so thankful for the way he took care of our house and of me. He’s the best.

2. I am done with soccer. I had a lot of emotions surrounding this decision and shed plenty of tears. I really wanted to see my first group of freshman through their senior year, and I accomplished that goal. I am beyond ready to be done and to have my life back. I want to be at home and feel like I am a good wife. However, I’m having a hard time letting go of the relational/developmental aspect of coaching. I know that I am a role model for my six year olds, but being a role model for teenagers just seems so much more real. They are ready to step into independence, and I’d like to think that I showed them that they CAN make good choices about men, drinking, and the like. I’d like to think I helped develop their character and integrity. I’m afraid that whoever comes after me isn’t going to be a good role model, and I care so much for these girls and their development as people. Soccer was secondary to me, and winning was tertiary. Anyway, rant over. I know being done is a good thing. I’m just going to struggle handing it over.

3. Idols. Identity. My freshman year of college, the Lord had to wreck me to get rid of the many idols I was finding my identity in. I thought I was doing okay, that I had it all together. I found my identity in sports, in being the “good” kid, in my boyfriend, in my grades, in my friendships, and in my successes in general. While a decade later I am in a VERY different place in life, I’ve found that I feel so complacent and like I am doing okay and that I have it all together. I know that is a dangerous place to be. I want the Lord to reveal my sin to me, but I’m not sure that I’m ready to be wrecked at the moment. I’m trying to be introspective - I’ve gotten to know myself pretty well over the years. Things I am finding my identity in now, as a 28 year old:

Fitness/Health - For the record, I don’t think there is anything wrong with being physically fit. I think it is important to take care of my body so that I can live a healthy lifestyle and be present for those around me. However, ever since I got into pretty good shape, I’ve noticed that it isn’t so much for me about being healthy, but more about how I look and feel. It’s such a hard line and balance between I’m doing it for my health and I’m doing it to look good. I don’t even know if that is wrong. However, I know that I idolize my health and sickness/ my body betraying me is one of my fears. How do I continue to maintain my physical health without having it turn into something I idolize?

Being a “good” wife - What does that even mean? I know that it is all dependent on how I grew up, what was modeled for me, and expectations I place on myself. But the number one thing about being a good wife is loving the Lord first. I don’t want to find my identity in being Ben’s wife first. I want to find my worth and value in knowing who the Lord says I am. I saw this pop up this fall during soccer season when I was incapable of cooking, cleaning, and getting our house organized. Those are things that makes my mom and sisters a “good” wife in my eyes. So when I couldn’t do those things, I felt like I was letting Ben down and being a bad wife, even though I wasn’t. Ben gets the best, most loving version of me when I love God first and him second. I need to do more of that. Loving God first will enable me to be an actual good wife.

Pride - I don’t know if this is something I can find my identity in, but has something to do with my success as a teacher. The longer I’ve taught, the better I’ve gotten, and now if people do things different than me, I am so quick to judge them, their teaching, and overall just assume I am better. That is not a loving posture or attitude. So maybe this one is finding my identity in being good at my job. The same with coaching. I just spent a whole paragraph talking about how the next soccer coach won’t be as good as me. WHAT?! The Lord loves those girls. He can take care of them without me. He doesn’t need my help. {Side note: this is why I need to journal more. When I process through things, sometimes truth gets dropped in my lap.}

Security - This one has always been a struggle for me. It has resulted in being a little bit of a hoarder, of being a penny pincher to the place of selfishness, and to freaking out internally when money is spent. Again, I don’t think being frugal is a bad thing. In fact, I think being frugal and careful with money helps me to be a good steward of finances. Now that I’m married, my level of financial security has gone up. I want to remember that we have been blessed financially so that we can help others. We can open our home, we can open our pool, and we can open our lives to others to help them. I don’t want to live selfishly and hoard what has been given to us.

I’m sure there are more things I am finding my identity in that I just don’t realize at the moment. I am going to be praying this week that God would reveal my sin to me and convict me when I am showing pride, being over-confident in my finances, and when I am idolizing my health and status as a wife. I want to separate and tear down this wall I’ve built, but I don’t know how to do it. I am going to need the help of my Savior to work though it, because I can’t do it alone.

Oh Happy Day.

We got married! Again, as with the engagement, I should have written about this long ago so that I could remember more of what happened. I want to write down our wedding day from my perspective so that years from now, I can look back and read it and remember all of the small things.

The day before the wedding was stressful. I ended up running a bunch of errands in the morning, which made me super grouchy. Then, we took a bunch of stuff out to the barn and I stayed for a few moments to put some things together. I came home, showered, and went to the rehearsal. We got pretend married a few times, and then had the rehearsal dinner. We at first thought we were going to run out of food, so we were running around whispering to everyone to only take one piece of either lasagna or shells. As it turns out, we had plenty of food and nothing to worry about. Mom, Steve, Cathy, and Ben had set up the church earlier in the day (thank you, Ben, so that I didn’t have to), and it looked really nice! I wish we had taken more pictures, but alas, we did not. At the end of the night we spent a couple of moments alone, and Aly was there to capture our last single-people kiss at the end of the night. I felt nervous and excited all at once. I was SO TIRED. When we got home, I was trying so hard not to cry, because I didn’t want poofy eyes the next day. Aly and I danced to some music and I tried to go to bed at 11:00. My heart was beating SO HARD that I couldn’t sleep. I think I was nervous and excited all at once, but it was out of control. I tried watching the West Wing to fall asleep - that didn’t work. I read - that didn’t work. I finally got up around 1:00 am and wrote Ben’s card for the day of the wedding. I somehow managed to avoid sobbing, which is great! I finally fell asleep around 2:00am. I was up by 6 or 7 on my own - so hardly any sleep!

Aly and I ran to Hilligoss Donuts to get Ben his wedding gift - his favorite donut! I went in my Lion King nightie and a guy opened the door there for me and looked me up and down several times - but he was not checking me out. It was hilarious. We got our donuts, and then came home to try to remedy my poof-tastic eyes. We started with frozen spoons, then used cool tea bags, and ice in a washcloth. I ate a yogurt with peanut butter and honey. I was feeling full from the donut, but Aly was pretty much force-feeding the yogurt to me. As I was laying there with my eyes closed, we noticed what looked like a huge bruise on my foot. I couldn’t feel several of my toes, and I immediately was paranoid. My mind went from parkinsons to frostbite to I’m dying (of course). Aly took pictures and called her uncle who is a doctor. After I washed my foot, most of the dark color went away (which was good for my mental state). I put on my “Oh Happy Day” shirt and then Jason picked Aly and I up and took us to the bank to get a bunch of cash and then to e.m. Studios to get our hair done. Mom was still there getting her hair done, and Andrea was there getting hers done as well. They washed my hair for me, and it was glorious to sit and relax for a few minutes. Ashleigh did an AMAZING job on my hair - it was exactly what I wanted - down, curly, and it stayed!! Marissa’s veil was gorgeous and went perfectly with my dress. When our hair was done, Jason came and picked us up from the salon. We came back to the house, loaded up our stuff, and then he dropped us off at the barn.

When we got to the barn, Andrea was still getting her makeup done. I wandered downstairs to look at everything - Angela did an AMAZING job with our flowers. I couldn’t believe how wonderful everything looked. It was gorgeous. They were bright, beautiful, and everything I had hoped for. I went back upstairs and ate some of the brunch that mom had brought to the barn for us. Everyone started showing up at different times. Finally, it was my turn to get my makeup done, and I sat in that chair for probably close to an hour. While I was getting my make-up done, Ashley and Bri brought me my gift from Ben. When they handed it to me, I had no idea what it was. I thought it was some sort of a black box. Ash asked me if I knew what it was, and so I looked at it and realized it was a VHS tape. I started bouncing up and down and squealed because I was so excited. Ben gave me his musical as a wedding gift. He has such a knack for making me feel loved and giving unique gifts. I was SO EXCITED. He also wrote me a sweet card. When my makeup was finished, we all got dressed and I got ready to go see Ben for the first time. I felt so nervous! Marissa took some videos as we were going down the stairs.

We had our first look outside of the front of the barn. When Ben turned around, he laughed a little because I think my make-up took him by surprise - it was A LOT. But we kissed and I got lipstick all over his mouth, so we spent some time wiping it off. After our first look, we went and got some portraits done, and then thankfully I had the foresight to take pictures with our parents outside under the arch. I am so thankful that I did, because all day the forecast was kind of sketchy. Poor Julie kept asking me if I wanted to move it inside, and I kept telling her no because I was convinced it wasn’t going to rain. Finally, about 20 minutes before the ceremony, we ended up moving everything inside. I’m so glad we did, because it started pouring as my bridesmaids were walking down the aisle.

The 20 minutes before the wedding were some of the longest minutes of my life. We went back up to the bridal suite, and I peed probably 3 or 4 times. At one point, I was just sitting on the toilet dancing, because I was peeing so often! It was finally time to go. I almost started crying before I walked down the aisle. I was so nervous, but I noticed when we were walking, my dad had to slow me down because I was going so quickly. I was so excited to marry Ben. When I got to the end of the aisle, Ben had tears in his eyes - the only other time I’ve seen him come even close to crying was when he proposed. Uncle Paul did a beautiful ceremony. I couldn’t stop wiggling my legs because I was so nervous and so excited. We exchanged our vows - before I went I said “I’m ready!” Ha! When we did the rings, I almost put the ring on the wrong finger, which gave me the giggles briefly. Then, we planted our “love cactus” and we were husband and wife! I grabbed Ben by the neck apparently to kiss him. We walked back down the aisle and were giving hugs to everyone and I almost lost it, but Aly yelled at me and I held it together! We signed the marriage license, and then went outside to take some more family pictures. After family pictures, we went back up to the bridal suite to try to steal a few minutes alone, but Joe was up there with Maverick. We ended up finding a quiet spot outside to just hang out for a few minutes. We did the bridal party introductions, a very poor version of a dance, and then ate dinner. The food was AMAZING - we got so many compliments on it after the wedding. We split a bottle of Oliver Soft Red at dinner, and were actually able to sit and talk for a minute while we were eating. We walked around and said hello to the different tables during dinner as well - we managed to say hi to almost everyone in that period of time.

When everyone had their food, Marissa and Matt gave their speeches. Both of their speeches were so great. We were able to get them on video, and I am so excited to watch them again. Matt’s was very sweet, and Marissa’s was hilarious. After speeches, we cut the cake. We couldn’t get the cake off of the tray, so we ended up just stabbing it with forks and feeding each other. We did our father/daughter dance and mother/son dance, and then the real dancing started! I was sweating SO MUCH. Ben and I were both absolutely drenched. It was so. much. fun. All of our jams were playing, we danced like crazy, and just overall had an amazing time. It rained like crazy and we ended up getting a few really cool pictures in the rain! I was so happy with how the evening went.

At 10:30ish, we got ready to leave. We did our sparkler send off, and I decided to run through twice since people’s sparklers were still working. I was so happy it stopped raining for that! We got in the car, were driving down the driveway, and I immediately started crying from all the emotions. Then, I realized that I left my phone and we had to go back to get it. My dad brought it out to us and then we were on our way. I cried a bit on the way home and was feeling all the feels. We pulled up to the condo and saw candles in bags lining the driveway. Ben carried me over the threshold, we came inside, kissed, took our shoes off, and then walked down the path that Rachel made for us. There were candles and roses in votives and sparkly round cut outs on the floor leading to the bedroom. She had put candles in votives around the bedroom and in the living room as well. Our room had chocolate covered strawberries and bottle of champagne of the nightstand and THEN Ben took my dress off and made me his wife. WOOHOO! It was better than I expected. The next morning, we woke up, had some happy fun time to start the day and ended up going to Kroger. We made a big breakfast, drank out of our new Mr. and Mrs. coffee mugs, and then spent the day opening gifts, playing with nerf guns, and resting. It was perfect for us. We spent Sunday running errands for the honeymoon. I tried my wedding dress back on because I love it so much, and then we had some fun with that as well. We played with our nerf guns, packed for the honeymoon, and tried to clean for my mom. As it got later, I dropped a votive in the garage and shattered it, which caused tears. Ben helped me clean it up and then we went to bed.

Honeymoon was great. Getting there was rough, but we spent 7 days laying on the beach, going to dinners, playing games on the beach, drinking weak adult beverages, taking daily laps around the lazy river-style pool, and going to the shows. We also played 5 crowns a few times, watched the Bachelorette, and just generally enjoyed spending time together. We were given breakfast “in bed” one morning, and I followed Ben around like a lost puppy. We took a few baths in the bathtub on our balcony, took a walk on the beach, and spent tons of time reading. Ben took care of my puke when I was sick the night before we left, and we spent the last day of our honeymoon in bed watching the O.C. all. day. long.

I am so thankful for him, for our marriage, and that our wedding went as well as it could have. Again, a gift I don’t deserve. My heart is so full!

2018 Reads.

Diamonds are Forever - Ian Fleming

The American Heiress - Daisy Goodwin

Relentless Pursuit - Kathy Herman

The Real Enemy - Kathy Herman

Dr. No - Ian Fleming

An Uncommon Protector - Shelley Shepard Gray

The Meaning of Marriage - Tim & Kathy Keller

Women of the Word - Jen Wilkin

A Texan’s Honor - Shelley Gray

The Hiding Place - Corrie Ten Boom

Secrets - Robin Jones Gunn

From Russia with Love - Ian Fleming

Total Money Makeover - Dave Ramsey

Mrs. Sherlock Holmes - Brad Ricca

Counted with the Stars - Connilyn Cossette

To Marry an English Lord - Gail MacColl

The German Bride - Joanna Hershon

Civil War Wives - Carol Berkin

Spy Schools - Daniel Golden

Full Disclosure - Dee Henderson

Shadow of the Storm - Connilyn Cossette

Operatives, Spies, and Saboteurs - Patrick O’Donnell

When A Heart Stops - Lynette Eason

When A Secret Kills - Lynette Eason

The Lightkeeper’s Daughter - Colleen Coble

The Leader In Me - Steven Covey

A Shred of Evidence - Kathy Herman

Zero Footprint - Simon Chase

Murder at the Brightwell - Ashley Weaver

Along Came Jones - Linda Windsor

Unqualified - Anna Faris

Kitchens: A Sunset Design Guide

The Lightkeeper’s Bride - Colleen Coble

Never Quit - Jimmy Settle

Code Girls - Liza Mundy

Probably my lightest reading year in a while. I suppose that’s what happens when you get married, move, and start remodeling your house in the same year!

Gift.

I just read my last entry. Ben and I talked that Wednesday (he ended up coming as soon as I told him I needed to talk). He was so supportive and we’ve really changed things in the past month. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

Ben asked me to marry him on December 1. I was shocked, but not surprised. I want to write out the story before I forget the small details, the way I was feeling, etc. I should have done this right after we got engaged, but the past month has been a total whirlwind of planning and busy holiday activities.

I told Ben over Thanksgiving break that I wanted to go to WInterlights at the Art Museum. I looked pointedly at him and said, “I’d really like it to be just the two of us.” Insisting that we have a date to ourselves (see last post). He agreed, but we never booked the tickets or set a concrete date for which day we were going to go. I called him that Monday and asked if he was still interested in going, or if we should wait and go a different time. He told me to go ahead and buy the tickets because if we decide to wait we will never end up going. So I got online Tuesday and bought the tickets. Friday rolls around, and I am super jazzed for our date! We talked about going out to dinner beforehand, but I wanted to go to circuit training, so I did that instead. At circuit training, I’m talking to my dad about what we were doing that night, and he asked me three or four times what we were doing and then when I ran out to go home and shower, he said, “Have fun at the thing tomorrow!” I said, “DAD - we literally JUST talked about this. We are going tonight!” I ran home, showered, and ran out the door as quickly as possible. I took of my nasty nailpolish the night before (thank goodness), and briefly considered not drying my hair. I dried it most of the way and actually managed to put on a little bit of makeup. I called Aly on my way to Ben’s and she didn’t call me back until I actually got there. We talked for about ten minutes, and when we got off the phone, I looked at Ben and said, “We should get married so Aly has a reason to come visit.” I’m sure Ty was just dying when he heard me say that, as Ben had told him he was going to propose. Ben made a few jokes about skipping Winterlights and going to Punch Bowl Social instead. I gave him my angry look and probably threatened him. We got in the car to leave, and on the way there I asked Ben how much he loved me. I was a 9, which is SUPER unusual. The only other time I had been a 9 was on my birthday. I thought he was just feeling the feels for some reason, but thought nothing of it. He was also holding my hand and being super sweet in the car on the way there. We walked inside and started looking at all of the lights. It was really neat! We went over the snowflake bridge, by the Lilly House, toured the Lilly House, then walked past the mistletoe stop (which I laughed at). Then we watched the light show outside of the LIlly House for a few minutes. We kept walking and then stopped to get hot chocolate and cider and stood by the fire for a bit. The trees in the big open are were AMAZING - so many lights!! So we were walking around and were almost done looking at the lights. We found this little fountain that had hedges around it, and they had strung lights over the fountain to make it look like a Christmas tree. We walked into the little roundabout, and were by a bench that was built into the shed. Ben looks at me and says, “Elainna, how much do you love me today?” I said, “I don’t know, a 9, why?” Thinking that he did something turd-like or that he wanted something. He responded with “Good” and started reaching into his jacket pocket. I stared at him and then said, “WHY” again loudly and questioning. He got down on one knee and told me that the past two and a half years have been the best years of his life, that he loved me, and asked me to marry him. Classy as I am, my response was a wide-eyed, “Is this a joke??” He assured me that it was not, and then got up. I guess I had nodded, but I was really too surprised to do anything. I hugged him and kissed him and said, “I need to sit down for a minute!” So we sat down on the bench and he said, “So, you can put this on or we can just leave it in the box.” I screamed, “Put it on! Put it on!” but hadn’t even really looked at the ring yet. I started looking at it, and it is absolutely perfect. I can’t think of a ring that I would have liked better. Sparkly band, sparkly middle, three stones, balanced, and just absolutely gorgeous. As we sat, I started asking him a million questions. How long he had the ring, when he decided to propose, etc. He mentioned, “Your mom thought you would scream a lot louder when you saw the ring.” I thought my heart was going to melt. He asked BOTH of my parents the night before and my mom cried when she saw the ring. So we sat on the bench for about 10 minutes, then we took about 25 selfies and made other people take pictures of us as well. It took a few minutes for the reality of what had happened to sink in, but as soon as it did, I was walking around with a stupid smile on my face and couldn’t stop happy dancing. About 20 minutes afterwards, I said, “Holy crap, we have to plan a wedding.” And five minutes later, it was “Holy crap. I have to find a dress.” We chose HopCat to celebrate, because mac and cheese. We FaceTimed some family in the car on the way to the restaurant and then FaceTimed a few more once we were there. I went to the bathroom and as I was washing my hands, I looked in the mirror and whispered, “Holy shit.” Because my ring was SO SPARKLY!! We ate our classic meal of mac and cheese and a grilled cheese. I was so excited I hardly ate anything. We walked to insomnia cookies and bought cookies to celebrate as well. Then we went back to Ben’s and snuggled for a little bit. He made me leave around 11, because he was tired. I, however, COULD NOT FALL ALSEEP. I talked to my mom on the way home, then talked to Carmen, then was up until 3 am. I woke up again and 6 and started calling people all day. It was probably a solid 4-7 days before I was sleeping regularly and eating regularly again. I was just so excited that I couldn’t handle myself.

Since then, I’ve done lots of crying as we’ve waded our way through wedding planning. It’s not actually that bad, it just takes up a lot of time and involves a lot of decision making (not my strong suit). Ben has been super helpful, and actually wants to be involved with the wedding (which I love). We just spent Christmas with our families for the first time. We are both not entirely loving the planning process, but know that it is a necessary evil to make it to marriage, which we are both very excited for.

God gave me Ben as a gift. I don’t deserve Ben. He continually displaces grace and patience with me. Last night, I told him thanks for loving me even though I am weird or crazy or something like that. He corrected me and told me that he loved me. Not in spite of anything, he just loves me. It’s hard for me to wrap my mind around, since I have been told in many different times, ways, and words that I would need to be tolerated by someone in order for them to love me or marry me. It’s simply not true. I guess my mom had told him that he’s the only one who is able to “deal with me” and he told me that he doesn’t see it that way and he doesn’t understand why people say that he puts up with me or that he knows how to handle me. He truly loves me so well and cares for me deeply. My heart feels like it could burst and I start tearing up when I think about it. A precious gift that I can’t earn and don’t deserve.

Busy Season.

That time of year is here. When I have a hard time functioning like a human being. When I spend 12-16 hours a day caring for 16-21 people at a time (not including me). It’s here, and I’m tired and I’m emotional. I need to process through some things, so here comes some word vomit.

Positives:

1. I’ve actually only had one really bad day at school so far this year. That’s pretty good for the first month. My kids just had a really off day, but other than that, they really haven’t been too bad. I came into this school year with a more positive attitude because I knew I wasn’t going to get spit on or kicked or yelled at or have chairs thrown at me or told by a student that they want to kill me. Perks, you know.

2. I’ve only cried three times so far. Typically, I cry 5-10 times in the first week. I call that a win.

3. My soccer team is improving with every game they play! I am excited about this for a few reasons. Reason one is that maybe I am actually a good coach. Maybe I do know what I’m talking about, maybe I can help them become better players, maybe I am making a difference. Reason two is that I really thought we were going to be absolutely terrible this year. As it turns out, there are a lot of teams that are much more terrible than we are. There are going to be some challenges coming up, but I think it was good for us to start the season with a few losses to give us something to work toward.

4. I’ve actually been pretty consistent with reading my Bible and praying. I finally made a daily prayer sheet, which I had been avoiding doing for about a year. Not sure why I was avoiding, but it’s good that I’m back at it. I am getting glimpses of God. Yesterday, I had a moment where I just became so thankful that God came and got me during college. I could have so easily ended up off the deep end without ever making my faith my own. But instead, in his grace, he reached down & destroyed my life in order to re-build it into something beautiful. He rescued me from myself and my complacency and my feeling that I had it all together. I want to encourage that in my soccer girls, but I am unsure of the best way to go about it. Also, I do much better when I study the Bible book by book, read the notes, summarize it, etc. I don’t know why it is so hard for me to do that. I think I feel lost once I finish a book and don’t know where to go from there. Diversion to 4a.

Highlights of what I’ve been learning in Nehemiah so far (as re-told from my bullet journal):

Nehemiah obeyed God when it was super inconvenient for him. He cared more about the Lord and the Lord’s people than his own comfort, safety, and health.

God listens. God acts. God is faithful when his people are not. God is merciful despite sin. God prepares people and puts them in places and circumstances to fulfill his will and promises.

The Israelites have drifted from God. When they see God being faithful to his promises, when they finish the wall, they come back to Him. When they glimpse God through the reading of the law, they realize their own sinfulness. They repent. They change. They desire to learn more of and from Him.

Nehemiah acts out of faith, not fear. If he had acted out the fear, the whole story would have changed.

Repentance caused JOY. Re-learning how to be God’s people was a JOYFUL experience. Not guilt filled. Not weeping. Not grief-filled. JOY.

Remembering God’s faithfulness is key in trusting Him. He doesn’t owe them anything, but he has still rescued them time and time again. This inspires trust.

So, what does this mean for me?

Knowing God more will bring JOY. Repentance brings JOY. God is looking for right relationship with me. He’s looking for obedience. He’s looking for me to know him more, to delight in him, and to glorify him through knowing him. I’m not all the way there yet. I know I’m not. But I’m learning. I’m trying, and I feel God moving and stirring something inside of me. I’m probably in the best place with Him that I’ve been in a very long time.

Note to Self: Don’t stop reading your Bible. Don’t stop trusting. Don’t give up. Not when you’re tired, not when you’re overwhelmed, not when you feel like you can’t trust the Lord. Elainna Marie, you can trust him. He is good. He loves you.

Negatives of the past month or so:

1. I feel like Ben and I aren’t even dating. He’s studying for his exam, and I’m busy with soccer and school. It’s neither of our faults, it is what it is, but I’m starting to get very discouraged. I can count one one hand the number of times we’ve hung out in the past month. I’ve hung out with him alone only once in the past month. For 3 hours. I just feel like we are not connecting, that something is missing. Last night was a bad moment for me. He had told me this week that we could hang out on Saturday. He was planning on coming to my house and we were going to watch Big Bang Theory or do something else that was relaxing and just spend time together. Last night when I called him to ask him what time, he said that Brian is having a get together that he wants to go to. I got really upset, and I need to process through why. As a side note, we had already planned to hang out at Ryan and Alison’s with his friends on Sunday. Here are my thoughts about it:

I don’t like hanging out with a bunch of drunk people when I really have no interest in being drunk.

I hardly have anything in common with any of his friends. Which leads to another question: can I see myself long term with someone whose friends I just can’t seem to connect with? There are a few that I enjoy, but overall, I just really have a hard time. It takes a lot of my energy to try to socialize and be friendly when I don’t know what to talk about. We are so different to the core of our beings that it’s just super taxing on me. Is this something I want to struggle through for the rest of my life?

I’m tired. I was looking forward to not being “on” for a day, and just staying home and being in my space (with Ben). I’m more comfortable at home.

Ben misses his friends. He says he never gets to see them or hang out with them. I get it. He’s busy studying. BUT, he’s played softball with them a few times in the past month. He watched the IU game with a bunch of them a few days ago. He watched a wrestling/fighting match with them last Saturday. He lives with Ty. We went to the movies with a few of them a few weeks ago. Also, what is this going to be like when we are married and he misses his friends and we haven’t been on a date in 3 weeks because life is busy and he chooses them over me? I’m just feeling a little discouraged and maybe even a little bit pushed aside. And I know he’s trying and he has offered me hours before and hours after and I know he is busy and I don’t want to be selfish, but that’s how I feel. For once, I think it’s okay for me to feel that way. I’m not going to act on my feelings, but I think it’s valid for me to recognize those feelings and name them, even if it is just to myself.

I don’t know why I have to go and be there if he wants to catch up with his guy friends. I’m just there. And half the time I don’t want to listen to what they are talking about.

I know in my head that it isn’t that big of a deal. It’s just an hour. Ben does a lot for me, and I appreciate him and love him. I just so desperately want to be selfish. This hour has spiraled into something bigger than what it really is. Enough that I cried last night and am crying this morning. I need to figure out why. Maybe I’m just having an off day. Maybe it’s something bigger. I don’t know. I just feel upset. I’m recognizing the impulse inside of me to stay in my safe spot. In my house, curled in a ball on my couch. I’m a little afraid of how I’m feeling on the inside.

2. I feel lonely. I miss Alyson. I miss having a friend here who knows me, who loves me, who will talk to me. My world right now is very much go-at-it-alone. I don’t have a close friend that I see consistently. Most of my church friends are married & unavailable a good portion of the time. Carmen has her own world full of problems that I wouldn’t wish on my enemies. Ben’s been pretty mentally and emotionally unavailable to me because he’s so busy. My family is gone this weekend and I’ve hardly seen my parents since school started. I miss Allie. A lot has changed from a year ago. I have great co-workers who I love. They make work fun, which is a huge positive. But, as much as I love them, they can’t fill that “friend void” in my life. Maybe it’s time I start praying for a new friend to show up. I kind of feel like I’m doing it all alone right now, and I don’t like it.

I don’t want to be a debbie-downer, but I’m riding the struggle bus pretty hard today. I can’t do it all, and I’m tired of trying. So many people need so many things from me right now. I’m pooped. That’s all.

WWJD

I’ve been thinking a lot in the past few weeks about truly what it looks like to live for Christ in the loving others department. We are going through 1 Thessalonians at church and have been talking about how Paul and Timothy shared their lives with others because they loved them and to exemplify the gospel.

That got me thinking. When was the last time I turned an unkind thought toward someone into a prayer? When is the last time I really and truly prayed for people? When is the last time I did something unselfish just because it would be good for the other person? I’ve gotten into such a habit of doing whatever I think is best for ME. Me. Me. All the time.

The best part of it? I FELT CONVICTION! At the airport when I was thinking nasty thoughts about a mom who had no control yelling at her kids, a felt a prompting to pray for her instead and think that I don’t know her backstory. When a little boy just disappeared the other day in Brownsburg and they were doing a search party. I felt like I should go and help. I didn’t, and then I felt like I made a poor decision. I literally wondered out lout to myself, what would Jesus be doing? Jesus would be leading the search party to bring that little boy home. Unfortunately, that’s not how the story ended for him. It was very sad. I want to be more aware of the people around me and the needs they have. I want to serve because I love God and that love overflows from me into other people. I want to be constantly reminded of how God is faithful to me and what he sacrificed for me. My “sacrifices” are wildly insignificant in light of it, but I want others to know God because they know me.

I want to view relationships through the lens of loving God first and loving others second. Jesus, in my weaknesses use me. Despite my sin, use me. When I just don’t want to be around people and investing in people seems too exhausting, give me strength to do what you would do. To love and serve to bring glory to God.

All the Feels.

I am going to try to journal again sometime in the next few days about me and Jesus, but today, I just need to process through me and Ben.

I sat down to write a card for him for our 2 years. I just don’t even know what to say. I made the front, giggled to myself, and then started crying. WHAT?! I cry because I feel so undeserving of his love. There are so many times that I can think of where he would just be better off without me.

When I am overly emotional (he hugs me/listens to me).

When I tell him what to do and/or eat (he patiently ignores me).

When I throw fits (he listens to what I may or may not be saying and values my opinion).

When I am loud (he doesn’t say a word).

When I’m selfish ALL THE TIME (he is constantly thinking of my preferences).

When I’m late (he waits).

When I’m an inconvenience (he does it anyway).

When I beg to watch his musical and for breakfast in bed (he doesn’t break up with me).

When I whine about his snoring (he doesn’t get mad).

When I’m scared (he makes me feel safe).

When I’m yelling loudly about how hungry I am for the 20th time in an hour (he gets me food).

Ben shows me so much constant grace. I don’t deserve it and I don’t understand it. He doesn’t say hurtful things to me. He makes me feel beautiful. He’s trustworthy. He’s helpful. He’s encouraging. He’s funny. He gives his time, his money, his energy to make me feel cared for and supported.

I don’t know how to fully put into words what is in my heart. It’s the little things. They culminate into something I never expected and certainly never thought would happen. I remember at KD one summer Steve Rieske said something to the effect of, “A woman who is in love soars.” I thought then that it was a nice sentiment and that it sounded both nice and cheesy. But I understand now. I’m so confident and secure in his love. I love Ben freely because I know he loves me.

This must be just a glimpse of how much Jesus loves me. No matter what I do, no matter how terrible I am, he’s there to show me grace. To support me. To cheer me on. Oh, to know more of that love.

I still don’t know what to write, because I can only be so vulnerable without feeling like I want to throw up. But this is a good starting point.

Time Flies.

I can’t believe May is already almost done. What a crazy month. I feel like I blinked and it was gone.

I have an interview tomorrow at Brownsburg. If it goes well, I think I would have one more. I’m not assuming that I will get the job, but if I do, I am not sure what I’m going to do yet. It’s going to be a tough decision if I have to make one.

I have been reading like crazy lately. Tons of books about different things. I’ve also been much more consistent about reading my Bible, although it’s been rough for the past week and a half or so. I have such a hard time when I get out of my school routine. I become the exact opposite of who I am during the school year. School Elainna is a routine-following Nazi. I get up at the same time every day. I work out. I read. I get crap done. I run around school like a crazy person leading my team to get everything done that needs to be finished. A true go-getter. Summer Elainna wants nothing more than to sit and do nothing for two months. I had a moment of sadness when I realized I will have the responsibility of soccer for 6 hours/week. That’s less than one day of school. All I want to do is sit outside, never work out, eat terrible food, and read books. I’m wondering if this phase will pass in a few weeks when I’ve actually had time to rest. I’ve found that for the past 5 days (all I’ve been on break so far), I haven’t done a ton, but I’ve just been exhausted. It’s like when my body finally has a chance to slow down that it just crashes. Funny how that works.

I got kind of sad today answering questions in my Bible study book. I am realizing that when it asks for examples, I don’t have many that are relevant to my life right now. When did I stop growing? When did I stop relying on the Lord for every day and every decision? When did I decide that I don’t need him anymore? I want to need the Lord. I’m scared to want to need the Lord, because I don’t know what it is going to cost me. I want to be looking back on previous months and years and be able to recognize God’s providence in my life. I’m seeing it in Aly’s life. One of the questions tonight in Bible Study was about God’s providence. I used to look back and see it all the time, but all of those things are in my past and not ones that I currently see. I want him to work. I’m not yet ready to say whatever the cost. I’m going to need time for that one. I’m so thankful for God’s unending patience with train wrecks like me. He’s always there, watching and waiting. I’m hoping that studying the Word this summer will bring change and growth for me. I want to be more in love with God by the end of the summer than I am today. I want to know him more. I want to see him.

Also, random story. Ben and I went to play footgolf last night at Riverside. He kicked the ball into the pond and was pretty frustrated by it. I thought there was no way that we were getting the ball back because it was just sitting out in the middle of the pond not moving. We were probably on hole 3. After trying for about 10-15 minutes to get it out of the water, we abandoned it and decided to play with one ball. I prayed that the ball would get to the other side of the pond by the time we were done and decided to stop worrying about it. Something so small (and that didn’t matter deeply to me). Well, what do you know...hole 7 we come around the corner and the ball has floated all the way across the pond and is sitting in the weeds where we could reach it. God answered my silly prayer about a soccer ball. Would the ball have been there without my prayer? That I don’t know, but I am choosing to believe that God used that to show me that he still loves me, he is still listening, and he is still there.

Here’s to a summer that I am hopeful will stretch and grow me into the woman God wants me to be.

Late, as usual.

I’m always late. With the exception of work, I am NEVER on time. Not to church, not to Ben’s, not to anything. I always thought that I was great about being on time. Turns out I’m not. I realized this afternoon as I was catching up on my bullet journal that I missed my April journaling. Oops. One day later is better than never, I suppose.

April really flew by. I honestly don’t even know what I did for the month, and all of the sudden it is gone. I’ve felt like I have kind of been on autopilot for the past few weeks. I’m trying to crank stuff out at school and get things ready for the end of the year. I want to be able to enjoy my summer and to leave on May 25 as ready as I possibly can be for next year. I would love a summer where I don’t have to spend multiple days at school. I’m really planning to relax. I am going to tutor and I will have soccer, but other than that, my schedule is wide open.

I am finally starting to read Nehemiah, the book I bought in January to work through. I read Ezra first to get some context and am just not starting the book. I’m hoping to journal my way through it in the upcoming months. Hopefully summer will be a good time for that. I’ve been a little more consistent about reading my bible the past few weeks, which is great. I am trusting that the Lord will speak to me through it and change me as I learn. It’s been too long since I really sat down and studied. I’ve used busyness as an excuse, but really that’s ridiculous. I spend time doing so many other things. I definitely have time to spend reading the Bible. Once I sit down and do it, I generally enjoy it and love hearing what it has to say. It’s just the discipline of sitting down and doing it that is hard for me. I’ve changed from morning to afternoon, hoping that because I’m less tired I will be able to comprehend a little better.

Anyway, not much to say. May is upon me, summer is getting close, and I am very tired!

Almost Late.

I’m always late. I’m tired tonight, but I am so motivated by coloring in that little square in my journal that I am awake at 9:30 after driving 13 hours to write on my blog. The things I do for a coloring reward.

Just got back from spring break. As always, it was wonderful. The sunshine, the beach, the company. Lauren and Carmen came with me and we got SIX amazing days of sunshine on the beach. The water was beautiful, felt so refreshing, and the sun was mostly kind to me. I got much less burned than I did last year.

1. Lauren and I had an interesting conversation on the beach during which we talked about me seeing the best in her. It really is so hard for me to do because I’ve seen so many things that haven’t been the best. I was telling Carmen on the way home that few things about our friendship have been easy and that I am going to need to figure out how to love her and cheer her on and move past the Lauren I knew in college. It is very hard for me to do when I don’t see her on a daily basis and see how she is growing. As her friend, I owe it to her. I just know that I can’t do it on my own. I am praying for compassion and for the ability to love her where she is without judgement and to believe good things about her and for her.

2. Carmen is going to move in with me this summer! I’m excited to have a roommate again, and I think the situation will be good for both her and I. It will be cheaper for her and she can save money during grad school, and it will be fun for me to have a friend around again. We really had a good time this week and get along pretty well.

3. I love Ben so much. I missed him a lot this week, even though I was having a great time. The longer I am with him, the more I want to be with him all of the time. I’ve never been this way in my life, and it is hard for me to deal with this new mushy side of my life. I never thought I would be this way, but alas, here I am. I am so thankful that he chooses me.

4. God is faithful to his promises. As I’ve been reading through Ezra (I think?! I can’t even remember the book I’m on. Oops.) I’ve been noticing how God is faithful, down to the smallest details. His plans and purposes WILL prevail, and things will happen just as he says they will. He knows what he is doing, he keeps his word. Even when I don’t keep mine. I was much better about reading my Bible this month until spring break. Time to get back into it again this week.

5. I AM HAVING A NEPHEW. THE FIRST BOY IN OUR FAMILY. I’m jazzed.

This is all I can manage right now, but I did it. Yay, me. :)

February is over?!

Holy cow. I blinked and February is done. I realized that if I didn’t journal tonight, I wouldn’t get to color in my fancy square. Don’t want that to happen. I can’t believe how motivated I am by coloring and stickers. Some things never change, I guess.

Random thoughts running through my head today:

I love Ben so much that sometimes I struggle to find words to express it.

I’m intrigued by the random meeting I had at the gym today.

I love my coworkers.

I can’t believe my baby sister is having a baby.

I felt worship on Sunday. Felt it in my heart.

So, Ben and I went out to visit Aly and Jason in CT and went skiing for a couple of days. I am trying hard to do one new thing every month, and skiing definitely qualified! I was so scared the first hill, but Aly talked me through it, and I also got good at just falling over when I felt like I was out of control. By the end of the second day, I was so exhausted, my shins had terrible bruises, and I’m pretty sure I stretched my MCL, so my knee was in some serious pain. Oh, and I was also tired and motion sick. But it was SO FUN, even if I couldn’t fully express it at the time. I LOVED seeing Aly, I love going new places with Ben (or old places, I just like to be with him), and it was such a fun weekend to relax, connect, and get away. I wasn’t on my phone really at all the whole time and just always feel so much freedom to be me around them. Be still my heart. Also, Ben and I flew together and we didn’t break up. So that was good. Expanding on thoughts above now.

I want to marry Ben. I thought in college that I wanted to marry Bryan. Thank goodness that didn’t happen. I’ve said this a million times, and I’ll say it again. I feel so free to be me around Ben. I have never felt more comfortable with a man in my life. He reassures me, compliments me, and continues to love who I am no matter what I throw at him. He really is a trooper and I am so thankful to have him. I am confident that if we were to get married, my days would be full of laughter. He loves me so well and so uniquely that my heart just sometimes feels like it’s going to explode.

Today I was at the gym and some random guy came up to me and asked me if I was in school. I was super wary at first, because guys at the gym and young , single usually means something different. Anyway, we got to talking and turns out that he and his family just moved here from CA and he is looking for someone to help with organizing their life and helping with their kids because they are some sort of a social media sensation. I looked them up on Facebook, and apparently some of their videos have around 25 million views, which is nuts. So, we had this random conversation and connected and we exchanged numbers and I told him that I was free in the summers. I don’t know what/if anything will come from it, but I’d love to be able to connect them with someone but also stay in contact, because who knows what opportunities that could present in the future.

I have been laughing so much at work the past few weeks. Alex and Megan are the best coworkers. I seriously don’t know how I made it through without fun people before. Megan put up a sign in the workroom along with a picture of Ben and I and started writing down guesses/bets of when he would propose! I was dying. They are hilarious. We are going out at the end of March and I am super pumped about it.

Andrea is pregnant. Holy cow.

I was so excited to feel something on Sunday. Truly, I was. I have been better (still not great) about reading my Bible over the past few weeks. I’m starting to think more about the Lord and what he would have for my life and praying for the people around me. I was jazzed to connect, even in the small ways. It gives me glimpses of hope.

All in all, a great month. Excited to see what March brings!

Forced.

So, it’s January. I did a horrible job of blogging last year. I have several goals this year, the most important of which are my spiritual goals. I want to read and journal through an OT book, journal once a month, and keep a list of things I am daily grateful for. So, today I am embarking on some self-forced journaling since January is almost over. Lauren was here on New Year’s Day. Of course, we were talking about Ben, and she said something that was revolutionary to me. Something to the effect of: “You worry about your relationship with the Lord, and the rest of it will fall into place. If you are walking with him, you can be trusted to make good decisions.”

WHAT! I’ve been so worried about making decisions and wanting to please the Lord and feeling like if I date and/or marry Ben, I’m not pleasing God. I’m not sure that’s true. I also haven’t done the best job of asking the Lord what he thinks about Ben and I, nor have I asked him much of anything lately. I feel like it is time to change, hence my goals. I forgot that God’s word is alive and active and ready to speak if I simply take the time. I haven’t taken the time. I stopped last year when I felt miserable and angry and unsure of many things. I didn’t start again.

I know from my past that God is faithful to speak to me through his word. That is when I am growing and changing. It doesn’t matter how many Bible studies I’ve been in or how many church services I have sat through. The most significant revelation of God and his character (and life change) has come from spending my own personal time in the word and digging deep, truly understanding, and letting God show me what he wants to. I need that back in my life. I learned so much through Isaiah, have cried my way through the Psalms. and have been encouraged through other books.

I’m scared to get back into my Bible reading. I’m scared what it may reveal to me. Ben & I have been doing Bible study with Aly & Jason, and we have been going through Philippians. I was not very excited about Philippians itself because I feel like I’ve read it so many times and maybe am a little conceited about thinking that I’ve heard it all before and I don’t need to hear it again. So last week, I actually took my time reading and studying and found that I don’t actually know everything. Shocking. So this week, I decided to take my time with it again and spent a chunk of time yesterday working through this weeks’ verses. Paul was talking about how on paper, he was a supreme Jew. He had the name, the circumcision, the family, everything outwardly was in order. BUT all of it was garbage. Without knowing Christ, his good deeds, his “righteousness”, his family legacy, none of it mattered. It, in fact, hindered him. He needed relationship, not works. He needed a savior, not a religion. I’ve been where Paul was. Where I was a “good kid,” but really had no idea what a real relationship with God looked like. I was reminded of what the Lord did for me, not just on the cross, but giving abundant life in the here and now. Have things been hard for me sometimes? Yes. But I’ve never experienced more joy and freedom than when I’ve realized my own depravity and need for a savior.

I forgot.

I forgot how much I truly need Jesus. I’m not okay on my own. I’ve been living like I’m okay on my own. I’ve taken things into my own hands. What’s funny is that I thought I was beyond that. That I was somehow invincible to making my relationship with the Lord less important. But I’m not. I have made it less important. I have been prioritizing other things far before my relationship with Jesus. I’m not awesome. I’m sinful, prideful, and my heart longs for many things besides my Jesus. It felt so good yesterday to remember. I got a glimpse of my savior. One who has been patiently waiting for me to realize that he’s still here. In my sin, he forgives. In my unfaithfulness, he is faithful. When I walk away, he remains. When I am prideful, he patiently waits for me to realize it. I cried yesterday because I was so happy to feel something besides spiritual numbness. I felt JOY in knowing how terrible I am. It seems strange. But it’s time. It’s time for me to prioritize the one thing that I claim is the basis of my decisions and my daily living. He’s calling me back, and I think I’m finally ready to listen. I have been so worried about everything and everyone else, which is exactly what I tell my kids not to do at school. “You worry about you! I’ll take care of it.” God must be shaking his head up there at me. “You worry about you, Elainna! It’s my job to take care of everything else. Focus on your relationship. I’ll show you what to do.” Sometimes I am such a first grader.

I want my perceived self-righteousness to be garbage. I want relationship.

In other news, Ben told me over Christmas break that he wants to marry me someday. I almost choked on my drink. Pretty sure I gave him the same deer in the headlights look I gave him when he told me he loved me. Never in my life did I think someone would love me enough or tolerate me enough to want to marry me. It’s been really interesting to process through and to realize that he really means it, and that I am someone he actually wants to spend his life with. It confuses me and I absolutely don’t deserve him or his love. I’m sure we will have more conversations and quite a bit of time before anything actually happens, but I’m surprisingly calm about it now that I’ve had some time to think through it. I love him. A lot.

Running.

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