no

[emmpti-blog]

1-27-16

i’ve been all over lately

been really trying to eat well but some days have been very hard and yesterday i barely ate but also barely lost and over the weekend i binged my fucking heart out

found out i was right and liliana has been restricting too much but i think she has a better handle on this than i do

i’m so goddamn selfish for this but it pisses me the fuck off that she’s better at this restricting business than i am already and she’s lost a lot of weight

i have lost none

but we go to the philippines in 2.5 weeks and i’m going to eat very well and keep working out until then

january’s been pretty good health-wise but i can’t seem to lose fat; only gain muscle

i always wonder when/if i should tell someone/get help

maybe the time is never

i still want to restrict

that may never go away

[emmpti-blog]

9-26-15

today i fucked up in xc and basically had a panic attack as i ran

all i’ve eaten today is oatmeal w pb and banana, some thai curry and rice and a spoonful of chocolate frosting

this isn’t intentional i just haven’t been hungry/food hasn’t been appealing/i’m liking the feeling of being empty rn/the virgo weird nervousness has been back again

i won’t weigh myself till thursday so we’ll just see

pants don’t fit so something’s happened

i’m stuck between wanting to eat less to lose weight and wanting to eat more to speed up my metabolism to lose weight for xc

[emmpti-blog]

8-17-15

mom’s scale said 132.8 but i feel like im smaller than that idk

can’t find my scale, she took it to sv and idk where it is now

[emmpti-blog]

8-13-14

I'm in sv and liliana was on a health kick and I said I was too and now I'm restricting kinda??? it came out of nowhere but I'm using myfitnesspal again and idk I'm not like panicking when I eat more I'm just more careful about it now and if I do eat more I make sure to exercise we shall see how much I weigh when we get home liliana may know it's kinda a problem again I've lost about 10 pounds since May naturally and pretty healthily and I wanna be around 125 at the start of school I can do it

[emmpti-blog]

4-14-15

I might be getting scared of food again ????

[emmpti-blog]

3-30-15

also i cut some and i think people kinda noticed this isn’t good

i also bit my arm and the bruise is fucking huge

wtf is wrong with me

[emmpti-blog]

3-30-15

promised myself i’d weigh myself at the end of march, kinda not looking forward to it 

but i really should

laura’s having me act in a movie about eating disorders so this should be interesting

been doing pretty well in terms of eating but like it’s never that good ya know

still not even sure what this is or how bad/not bad it is

ema the senior has an ed and i’m literally so in love with her but not bc of that but also like she could identify i don’t even know 

oh shit it’s been 2 years since i first started restricting

whoa

[emmpti-blog]

3-15-15

i use my food as a crutch to deal with life and i use my eating disorder as a crutch to deal with food

[emmpti-blog]

2-28-15

eating's been a little screwed up lately but not consciously

i think i'm doing quite well honestly

except my parents found out we drank and now i'm grounded for the first time in my life lmao it's not even a big deal like wow i'm such a devil child

i lied my way through it and it'll all be fine

[emmpti-blog]

2-21-15

not sure if i need help or if i'm just glorifying/exaggerating this whole thing

[emmpti-blog]

2-18-15

not sure if i need help or

cuz i'm mostly just emotionally not ok with food

[emmpti-blog]

1-5-15

had some ups&downs in terms of good eating over break but overall I'm doing well I just need to keep treating myself right even though I don't feel anything god fuck

[emmpti-blog]

12-23-14

it's been 4 days of good eating!!!! and my grandma said I've lost weight and I've actually felt hella good regardless of whether I've lost weight or not but for the first time in a while I feel like I can do this lmao that'll probably change soon because this never sticks for long I WANNA GET HIIIIiIIiiiiiiiIiiiIiiIIIIIIiiigh sry

[emmpti-blog]

12-20-14

today is the second day in a row of good eating!!! i just have dinner to go for tonight and i've waited until i was hungry to eat and only ate until i was full and yes!! also we went swimming and i actually didn't feel like shit when i took pictures of myself in spandex and then in underwear and a swimsuit top later so yassss

+when i was introduced to a boy he said hi while looking at my boobs so

GOOD DAY YES I AM GETTING BETTER SLOWLY BUT SURELY

[emmpti-blog]

12-16-14

i keep trying to cut but then i feel like i'm faking but then again the self-harm i did develop on my own just happened and i need it to release anger and energy...i'm scared of when i draw blood

[emmpti-blog]

12-15-14

"you're not fat, you're cuddly!"

thanks. a lot.

[emmpti-blog]

12-14-14

SINCE WHEN DID I BECOME AN EATING DISORDER GIRL

or at least a disordered eating girl because i don't think i'm that bad but that doesn't mean this isn't hell

it's been almost two years oh my god why did i ever think this was a good idea

actually that's not even true i still kind of don't regret it which is the most fucked-up thing about it because i know how bad it is but at the same time i kind of like it??? and it feels good to know that i had this one sad secret, this one twisted thing like i don't know it makes me feel like i'm more interesting but i don't want it to destroy me