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@emoprincesswannabe
💕🖤 Intro post 🖤💕
🧸 CJ, 20, he/she/they, this is my vent blog
🖤 in recovery from a complex ED, still struggling with ongoing depression, S/H, and OCD
Idk what I have going on but somethings just really wrong with me and I need to find out what. I try to avoid intentionally triggering content because I’m trying to recover but obviously vents are still negative harmful emotions I’m trying to get off my chest, so they don’t always sound super positive
Never in my life would I have predicted I was gonna have a drinking problem before 21
I TOTALLY understand where my therapist is coming from when going over harm reduction/safe cutting. But like. For me personally, if I’m REALLY feeling that shitty, I’m not gonna take all those precautions. Like I’m not gonna wash the blade, go at it, say “okay all done now 😊” clean the wound, and store the blade in a clean drawer, I’m gonna play raccoon attack simulator and pass out in my jammies on a towel and hope it doesn’t bleed through to my sheets
Doing the [redacted] while ACTIVELY texting the crisis line 💀
Unfortunately if it gets too late at night and nobody talks to me i spiral :(
I’ll probably just get high and go on a solo outing again :/
If the only few people I care about are gonna fucking ignore me I’d rather they just be honest about it. Don’t tell me you’ll “make it up to me” and then not see me for over a month every time I try. Like I don’t wanna fucking try anymore if it’s not gonna get me anywhere, I’d rather just look for new friends.
My sister ditched me on my birthday, told me she’d make it up, only hung out with me because she needed money to bail her out, and then ditched me then too
My oldest best friend had to move in with her other friend who’s parents won’t let her leave
My other best friend had a different reason she can’t hang out every time I ask (again, she was SUPPOSED to make it up to me a month ago)
And I’m not even mad at them because I know it’s not their fault Im just fucking miserable and lonely and I can’t even have fun by myself
What’s weirder, the fact that I’m sharing a fwb with my sister, or the fact that my sister thinks I need to ask her permission/tell her when I’m sleeping with them 🤨
As far as the fwb is concerned, Im pretty sure they didn’t even think twice about it. Like they did a little something with both of us (separately ofc) so clearly THEY don’t have a problem with it. I don’t have a problem with it. So what’s HER problem??? If the problem is that I’m her sister she needs to look in a mirror because she did the SAME exact thing with a DIFFERENT friend and that friends sister!!! Fucking hypocrite!!
she just wants me to not have any friends or sex or fun ever 😔 /j
What’s weirder, the fact that I’m sharing a fwb with my sister, or the fact that my sister thinks I need to ask her permission/tell her when I’m sleeping with them 🤨
On one hand. I don’t want my sister to feel like she’s at fault or that she did anything wrong or that she didn’t do enough. I know she cares about me very much and is trying her best. HOWEVER. That still doesn’t stop the fact that I want to see how long it takes her after coming back to town to reach out to me and [redacted] every day until she does to test her. Thus making it technically het fault even if she doesn’t know about it. It makes me feel like an awful person just thinking about fucking with her like that, like that’s just straight up mean 😭
The real reason I can’t transition is because what if I look like my dead brother 😔
3 nights clean but FUCK did I almost this morning. Thank god I care about getting to work on time
My sisters JUST on a trip and istg it feels like she’s gone forever I’m literally losing it
Okay but like real talk what are you even supposed to do when you relapse?? I don’t have a therapist, I can’t make phone calls without bursting into tears (regardless of the purpose of the call, it’s just something I can’t do which puts hotlines off the table), my mom would want to force me inpatient even though I’m an adult, and I honestly just don’t have the mental energy/brain capacity TO find a therapist (again with phone calls being a no go). Like I’m really just stuck like this unless somebody else pulls me up, but I kind of just know that’s not gonna happen
Okay that’s enough posts for one sesh I need to go to bed man
Omfg why am I such a fucking baby about everything like I’m aggressively swinging between being pissed off and angsty like a stupid 14 year old making cringy emo vent art and then crying like I’m 6 years old because my sissy won’t play littlest pet shop with me anymore. Leaning towards the latter, which means I fall asleep in tears holding my bunny and whining about how much I miss what we never had in the first place
How to tell somebody you relapsed no consequences no talking no feelings no glue no borax no contact solution