i wish i was a better writer. this blog is just poems and babblings inside of my head. used to write sad words. trying to be better. thank you for visiting. xx
The Pursuit of Happiness Part 1: living after death
Warning: what follows is very personal but may contain some triggers for those who struggle with suicide or depression. Absolutely no offense taken if you choose not to read.
This is the story of the journey from the absolute most terrible day of my life to now, a time I am truly happy.
This is probably the most personal thing I’ve ever written. It took me a long time to want to share it, but somehow I felt like I should. Part 2 coming soon.
A little over 9 months ago, I received a text message from my dad saying “Goodbye love you.” I responded “What??”
That was the last contact I ever had with my dad.
Less than 72 hours later, I received a phone call from my mom. My dad had hung himself with a bed sheet.
I was in the second quarter of the first year of college. I was over 2000 miles from home. When I received the phone call, I collapsed in the hallway of my residence hall. I was in absolute shock. I had no idea what to do. I felt as though someone had hit me so hard in the chest that I would never be able to catch my breath again. Between sobs, I told my mom to book me a flight home. I needed to be home.
I honestly can't remember what happened in the following two weeks. Between cleaning out my dad’s house and meetings with lawyers, the two weeks were a blur.
Next thing I knew, I was back on a plane. Back to California, back to school, and back to a life I didn’t know how to live anymore.
My professors were extremely understanding. While I didn’t tell many of them the whole story, they were all very accommodating about the work I had missed. Between making up papers and exams, and studying for ones upcoming, I was so busy I felt like I barely had time to think.
Or so I wished.
I would go for hours sitting in my bed. Not listening to music, or watching Netflix, or even just procrastinating. I was still in shock over everything that happened over the past month. I had trouble focusing. I couldn’t sleep because I was plagued with nightmares. Even when my friend surprised me with a trip to Disneyland, I couldn’t enjoy it. Everywhere I went, I was reminded of my dad. Reminded of memories I wanted so badly to forget.
I blamed myself for my dad’s death. I kept telling myself, his death was my fault. I could have stopped it... could have stopped him... I kept calling myself a coward. I couldn’t stand to see myself in the mirror. I spent my weekends drinking to oblivion. It was the only way I was able to forget.
I was at my lowest. I was drowning in a whirlpool of sadness, self loathing, and solitude.
I was angry. Angry at my dad for doing this to me, for abandoning me, for not choosing me. I was angry at the people around me. I was angry that no one understood my pain, but they all pretended to. I hated the look in people’s eyes when they asked why I took two weeks off from school and I had to tell them that my dad “passed away.” Only a few people knew the truth.. and even if they did, I would never show the pain I was feeling inside.
People called me strong. They told me that I was amazing. I went through this traumatizing event and somehow still managed to end the quarter with decent grades. I was “inspirational.”
It was such bullshit. I was forced to mask my emotions. Put on a strong face, pretend that I was moving on, that I had dealt with my grief.
I stumbled across your writing many months ago in miscellaneous instagram posts and google images. Finally I was able to trace it back to the source. Your writing is amazing and is a wonderful example for me (also in love with poetry). Whenever I am feeling sad or anxious or anything and I read your poems they seem more than words. Please never stop writing.
Wow. This is amazing. Thank you, so much. I am sorry that I have stopped for such a long time, but I am trying to start again. Thank you for sticking with me. Hopefully I don’t let you down.
It’s been a while. Seriously. I can’t remember the last time I sat down to write a poem. Or the last time I logged into tumblr to be honest. I started my second year in college, crazy how time flies. It’s also crazy how much things can change in a (relatively) short amount of time. I’m beginning to learn so much more about myself and become more in touch with who I am and who I want to be. I realized that I used to be so unhappy because I was always so concerned with what other people thought. I cared so much, way too much, about what people thought. This past year, I’ve started to learn to stop caring. I stopped doing things to please other people and started doing things for myself and myself alone. I’m learning to put myself first and value myself as an individual. I’ve started to cut people out from my life who I realized were toxic and were ultimately dragging me down. While I’ve lost a lot of my friendships, I find that the ones that remain are so much more meaningful and healthier than how they once were.
There are so many exciting things in the future, and I’m so happy about having these opportunities.
I want to start using this blog again, I want to continue to create content and share it. However, there are some changes I want to make. In the past, I was truly an unhappy person. Many of the poems I have written came from a place of pain, a place of darkness. These days, I’m actually quite happy. I like where I am in life. I want to start writing about things that inspire me, things that make me happy.
Whether or not you agree with the method of therapy known as DBT, I believe this article is worth reading.
Please, as someone who was personally affected by suicide, it was nice to read about someone who struggled with depression and suicide and was able to successfully overcome it.
To anyone considering or who has considered suicide, please know that depression is treatable, and suicide is preventable.
I'm really glad to hear you're trying! That's amazing and I might not be someone who is important to you but it makes me so happy. I've adored the pea you've written and enjoyed all the feelings you put into them. I'm really happy I stumbled upon your blog, it's my favorite blog ever! So thank you for being so kind as to share your poems/well being with us. You deserve so much greatness! You'll be okay! ❤️
You are so kind. Thank you so much, you honestly make my day and followers like you are why I continue to write and post. Thank you so much for everything xx
Made my day to imagine someone still cared about me. Thank you so much. I'm trying to be better, I really am. Sometimes though it's hard to carry on but that's okay because I'm trying.
Look for the good in life. It’s always there. Something bad happen to you? Think about the good. Something really bad happen? At least it isn’t the worst. The worst happens? There’s no where to go but up. If there’s one thing I’ve learned in the past three months, it’s that there’s always something to look forward to. So do that, look forward. It doesn’t matter what you did or what you’re doing. What matters is what you will do. Make the most of the time you have now. Tell the people you love that you love them. One day you might not have the chance to say it. Are there people in your life who are bringing you down? Forget about them. You don’t need them. Live the life you want to. Surround yourself with the people you want to be with. Be the best you can be. Be good. Be kind. Be brave.
khd
I’ve learned a lot these past few months. Note, the last 3 phrases were some of the last words my father said to me.
I'd like to apologize for my failure to keep up with this blog recently. Unfortunately, my father passed away about a month ago and I've found it difficult to continue posting. I hope to resume posting soon.
Fuck the idea of "new year, new me." People don't change in an instant. Change is gradual, it takes time. Sure, you're not the same person you were a year ago but you're probably not a whole new person either. You've probably grown, you know things you didn't know before, but that doesn't make you a whole new person. You're the same you you were before. You're older, you're hopefully wiser, but you're still you. New parts of yourself may be uncovered. You may have found a new passion or a new part of your personality but you're still you.
Be proud of who you are. Let this new year continue to teach you to be better and better.
