Empty Arms, Heavy Heart @emptyarmsheavyheart-blog - Tumblr Blog

Today's Rant

If you have a children, take care of them. If you are going to pawn them off to any and everyone, If you are going to verbally or physically abuse them, If you are going to be drugged up, boozed up, or "turnt" up, If you only want them so you can look good on social media (meanwhile ignore them in real life), If you are using them to keep someone in your life, (or any other selfish/irresponsible reason) maybe you should think before bringing a child in this world. Maybe you should realize this is a living, breathing human being with feelings. You can traumatize them with your actions. Do it for us that can't or have a hard time having a child. Do it for us that have lost a child. You are such a lucky woman to be able to look them in the eyes and tell them you love them. You are such a lucky woman to be able to tuck them in at night and read them bedtime stories. You are such a lucky woman to be able to hear your child simply call you "mom". I don't have that privilege. Hold your child/children close.Tell them you love them often, for those of us that can't.

The Never Ending Void

I can't help but feel the overwhelming feeling of void in my life. I haven't let myself have a hobby in a year or so. What's the point, when all I do is feel that every time I put my soul into something the outcome is never good enough? It's that and the void of motherhood, the void of not being able to raise my only child and not knowing if I'll be able to successfully carry another. There seems to be a lot of void in my life and I'm not sure how or if I'll ever be able to fill it...

If Not In My Arms, My Heart

My love, I will carry you. If not in my arms, my heart. My love, I will shelter you. If not from near, from far. I will always have you, no matter the distance, wherever you are. My love, I will carry you. If not in my arms, my heart.

Please Read & Share

I want to know that we can still come together in 2016 and be there for one another. I suppose a part of me needs reassurance that there is still a sense of community and that we can come together to share our stories in hopes that they can help at least one person feel like they aren't alone. I want those people that are feeling down and helpless from the loss of their children to feel a sense of comfort in knowing that someone out there cares and is struggling along side of them. No story is the same. No one knows exactly how someone takes a loss of this impact. So, be kind and patient if you know someone who is. Give them plenty of hugs and just listen to them. That helps more than you know. So, if you all would just share this it will hopefully reach some individuals that need some love and understanding through this hard time in their lives. Just know that if no one else is there for you I will have my inbox open so that you have someone to vent to. Sincerely, Kayla

psych2go

Feelings are more powerful than thoughts (because emotions are the tools we use to survive), and that's why it's actually easier to change feelings in order to naturally change thoughts than the other way around.

selfdestructingsmiles

INFANT LOSS

If you have experienced some sort of infant loss Please REBLOG this. Miscarriage, stillbirth, or anything. I recently had a stillborn little girl & would love the support from other mothers/fathers..

emptyarmsheavyheart-blog

Give her your hearts and open arms. She could use them.

wordsnquotes

It’s true the people we meet shape us. But the people we don’t meet shape us also, often more because we have imagined them so vividly. There are people we yearn for but never seem to meet.

Simon Van Booy, The Secret Lives of People in Love (via wordsnquotes)

millennial-babies-blog

I would’ve given you the world, but you got heaven instead. #infantlossawareness #miscarriage #1in4

On 06-08-2014. I lost my son. They called it an “inevitable miscarriage” so for a few days I had to sit around waiting for this inevitability to occur. And eventually it did. And when it did I was so surprised at how much my little man was actually formed. For weeks doctors were throwing around medical jargon that made me believe that the life of this child was insignificant, because in simpler terms “he wasn’t growing like a normal baby and well, it was only a matter of time before he gave up his fight.” Oh and best of all, “I shouldn’t worry too much, I’m still young.” Like what the fuck? Thanks for your enduring efforts to comfort me, I mean you’ve got to a special kind of fucked up to make a life inside of someone dying seem like nothing. And it doesn’t end with medical experts who only focus on physical. Everyday people are so insensitive about infant loss. Most people think its just another thing women are faced with, they rank it on the same level as pms or some thing. So if dealing with the pains of labour and giving birth to a dead child isn’t enough, you have to face a world of people who have no fucken clue about how you feel. And they’ll say some inconsiderate shit like “maybe it wasn’t meant to be” and “Don’t worry, at least you didn’t know the kid” which reiterates what I’ve been trying to say all along. People expect women to deal with this hardship, it’s not seen as a real issue. I mean you didn’t know the kid so what are you crying about? But thats it exactly. Seldom people understand the pain of being given something truly valuable, creating short and long term plans, refocusing your entire life to accommodate this addition and then just having it ripped away with no explanation. That feeling of always wondering what your life would’ve been, who they would’ve turned out to be, was it your fault, were you not good enough to be the only thing a women was created to be? This feeling is remarkably hard to shake off. And when you’re laying there almost knee deep in your own tears and your chest feels like a six ton truck drove over it your mind will venture places that will rip you apart. Like my baby had a heartbeat, when he came into the world I held his tiny body in my hand, he had a head, shoulders, the tiniest arms, a little body, forming legs and even a small black dot in his head where his eye was forming. Seeing that was just a physical reminder of what I already emotionally knew. He mattered, he lived and he died. And no matter how many people I come across who don’t understand I know that, that baby was significant. I will always be a mother. He will always be my first born.

emptyarmsheavyheart-blog

Such a beautiful read

My Biggest Hopes & Wishes

I want this blog to become greater than myself, to be more than just my own self discovery. I want it to be someone else’s as well. I hope that my story can reach as many people as possible. I hope that people learn of Zayanna and read her story and are inspired. I hope they read of how, despite her size or condition, she fought with all the will she possessed. I hope my blog can encourage other women to speak up about the children they have lost and break the silence. I love hearing your stories about your angel babies and how you keep their memories alive. There are tons of sites and forums out there that are for angel mommies. I want to make an impact (even if it’s a tiny one) in the angel mommy community. So, I am planning on expanding my blog to more social networking sites. I’d like to reach out to more parents who have lost their children and give them the sense of hope others have given to me.

There is more to come. Here is in hopes my dreams can become a reality.

genevieveodette-iloveyouforever

I miss my children with every single cell of my body soul and mind. My daughter was born early at 20 weeks 6days. I never knew this would happen to me. Loosing my first born daughter is so hard. I held her tiny body, saw her gasp her last breaths and she died in her Father’s arms. She was so perfect and so small. I had a difficult pregnancy where everyday she fought to stay in my womb. Her sacred life was cut short. It is devastating having to hold your child and watching them struggle to breathe. Nothing could of been done because she was born at 20 weeks. I wish there was a chance where they could of stopped my body from going into labor early. A doctor told me if I had cervical incompetence I would of left my house with a baby coming out, but premature labor is one of those situations where there’s nothing you can do if actions are not taken. I was in labor for 7 hours after they induced me once I completely dialated. Unfortunately she was too small for needles, tubes, and no solution to save her. She is missed everyday. And with Raynor, I didn’t even get to meet him, which makes me so sad. Life is so precious… My children’s lives are so precious. I have gained and lost two babies in one year. Read and educate yourselves. So many babies die due to miscarriage, premature birth, still birth, sids, chronic illnesses. There needs to be an awareness and a plan to save babies. It is a hard journey.

emptyarmsheavyheart-blog

My heart aches when I read this. It reminds me almost down to exact details of what happened to my precious Zay. My heart is with you, from one angel mommy to another, from one grieving parent to another. I'm sure our sweet babies are playing together now (as are all the other precious little ones gone too soon).

Have you ever?

Have you ever just analyzed your life? Have you ever just looked back at all the plans and dreams that you've had over the years for yourself and realized you have accomplished none of them?

My Journey to Self Discovery

It has been a struggle but I am finally getting help for myself mentally. I won't go into details as to what's going on just yet because I have no final verdict. I feel I am slowly losing my mind. For once in my life though, I am doing something for ME. For that, I know Zayanna would be proud. That is all that I wanted from the moment I found out I was pregnant with her. I know I will never have all the answers, but I hope that by the end of all the poking, prodding, and spilling my guts out to random strangers I find out something about myself.

onlinecounsellingcollege

6 Things to Tell Yourself Today

1. I matter. 2. I’ll get through this. 3. I am a beautiful. 4. I deserve to be loved. 5. I can find peace, happiness and contentment. 6. I have the power and the will to survive.

quietlyiwillnot

You wake up every morning to fight the same demons that left you so tired the night before, and that, my love, is bravery.

11:17pm, 1/14/15 (via nefelibatedwords)

11:17

(via spacebabe-spinnin-round-ur-head)

Too Many Cracks Eventually Break the Glass

So I read somewhere that many couples divorce/break up after losing a child. It puts a lot of stress on that relationship. Sometimes it makes the couple stronger and sometimes it makes them distant and angry with each other. I was part of a couple who didn't make it. Among other reasons, I believe this to be the main contributor. It's the sad truth of one of the many aftermaths that happen as a result of losing a child. Sometimes you try as hard as you can, but things aren't meant to be. Regardless of this, I will continue to tell my story and tell anyone who will listen about my beautiful Zayanna. Though we haven't spoken in awhile I hope her daddy keeps her in his heart as well.

Things Zayanna Has Taught Me

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how much Zayanna has changed me. Whether we believe it or not we as women change when become mothers. No matter how long they were here.

These are the things that believe Zayanna has taught me:

1. Cherish every moment you have in this world, you never know when it can be taken away. For once in my life I am perusing the things in life I have always wanted to do and the person I have always wanted to become.

2. Jealousy and blame can tear you apart. For a long time I blamed myself for what happened and told myself I could have done this and that. At times I still do. If you never realize it was simply out of your control you will never be at peace. I constantly battle with my inner demons when I see women who get to be with their children. You’ve just got to separate your life from theirs and they are fighting their own demons.

3. Death doesn’t mean our babies are gone. They are just farther away from us. Zayanna gives me signs that she watches over me. It keeps me sane thinking that she is out there somewhere.

4.When I feel at my lowest I think of how strong Zay was for me, how even after my water broke she held on for days. I think of how she kept bringing even while struggling to so much. I will always live knowing I am beyond proud of my daughter. She inspires me to be strong for her every day.

5. Love without limits. Keep the ones you love as close as you can and as for long as you can. She has brought me and Kevin so much closer. She is our bond that nothing can erase. Whenever I look at him I know that I have a piece of her on Earth that is still with me.

There are many more to name, but those are the main ones. What has your angel baby taught you today?

Question for my Followers

How do we move on with our lives knowing chunks of it are missing? Question of the day for my followers, how do you cope? (With the loss of anything, not just from death but parting with those who are still living). Just curious.

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