Noah Kahan
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d e v o n
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YOU ARE THE REASON
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@emptydistractions-blog
No matter what we feel—sadness at a miscarriage, relief at an abortion—women are told their feelings aren’t legitimate. Someone—a politician, a friend, a member of the clergy—invariably tells us to buck up if we’re devastated by the loss of a wanted pregnancy, and/or to hate ourselves if we’re not devastated to end an unwanted one.
Marjorie Ingall, My Abortion, My Miscarriage, and My Right To Have My Own Feelings (via rhrealitycheck)
Full Term.
And I am pretty sure that by today, I would already have become a mother.
6 Months.
I would have been 6 months pregnant today.
In another time Another life In another situation I Would have made you mine Would have taken time To make sure you'd be fine I could feel you coming I knew you would And I never imagined You'd be so good And it hurts me so Yo let you go I want you to live But I'm not all I wanna give Right now, nothing can be right Right now, nothing can be wrong All I can do is keep believing I'm giving you back, to the ocean I'm giving you back, to the stars I'm giving you back, to where you came from (I..) And I'm not forgetting who you are With you in me I was beautiful Two months of joy Before the impossible Every second I Long for the day When you come back Come back to stay When the time is right When there's no wrong I'll be there for you And I'll be strong And I promise I'll be All I can be I'm still open If you still want me Right now, nothing can be wrong, Right now, nothing can be right All I can do is keep believing You made me see a lot clearer Heaven is not that far One day I hope to be closer To be as pure as I know that I know that you are
First Period.
Like clockwork, my body started a period five weeks after the abortion. I am constantly surprised by how my body has hormonally not reacted to this. I thought I would experience loss, pain, sadness, and my body would be sensitive to it too, afterward. But there is nothing except normality. Strange.
This period is super heavy though. It feels like the abortion did, minus the blood clots. No cramps though, just headaches and a bit of tiredness. Next week I start birth control again, and I hope it doesn't give me headaches because I don't want to switch again. My body has been through enough these past few months, I think.
5 Weeks Later.
It is difficult to believe that all of this happened only a month ago. It feels so far away.
Surprisingly, I don't think about this every day, although I sometimes do. Last night, my boyfriend was laying on top of me, and my belly didn't hurt. I liked that, but it made me think of when he did do that when I was pregnant, and it hurt. It was a reminder that I wasn't prepared for, and it made me momentarily sad.
That aside though, I am doing OK. I am exercising, eating healthy, making good life decisions, planning our future. Our sex life is back to normal, with 3-4 times a week, and we can even joke about it a little. We are being super careful while I wait for my first period after the abortion to start, which is when I can start the birth control cycle again. For now though, no naked genitals near one another unless the condom is on... things like that.
I have noticed it's harder for me to get off lately, as in, the past few times I haven't at all. That may just be paranoia. I am not as carefree about sex as I was before, because I am constantly worried that something could happen.
Now, it's just a waiting game until my period finally comes back. It has been just over 5 weeks. Before, I was on a 5-week cycle, but I wouldn't be surprised if my body is a bit messed up and it takes another week or so to get back on track. But won't that be a relief...
Follow-Up.
Today was the day of my follow-up appointment. Of course, it was 9 in the morning during the holiday break, so the actual waking up part was less than pleasant, but we made it in time.
My appointment was with a different doctor - there are two who run this facility and all my dealings have been with the first, so I was surprised to meet with the other, but it was completely fine. She spoke English as well, and was ready for me. I also like that the receptionists know who I am as well. Granted, I have come in four times this month and for something a bit unfun, so learning who I am is not only likely, but also something to make my experience easier. But still, it was one thing that went more smoothly for me.
The examination was fine. She asked me a few questions and I answered them, letting her know that my bleeding has essentially been done for a week, with the exception of super minor spotting. She asked if I still felt pregnant and I told her no. The "attachment" I felt of the implantation has been gone since the third day maybe, and my symptoms (especially the tiredness, soreness, and sickness) have all been gone.
We got on to the ultrasound and she said my uterus is totally clear. The entire pregnancy is gone, and there is no remaining tissue, which means that I will not have to have any additional things done. For all intents and purposes, I am done with this too.
At the end, we discussed birth control... it was the old birth control causing headaches for me that made us revert to only condoms, and that's what got us in this mess in the first place (and likely from some semen getting in during outercourse, because we otherwise weren't having unprotected sex). So she prescribed something new, which I will try out and see if it is effective. Unfortunately, the low-hormone birth controls are the ones that are bad for skin, and I have always needed the kind that helps the skin, so there is a bit of a catch-22 there, but we will see. I told her I wanted the pill though, and no IUD or other "contraption."
And that is that. The new year comes in a few days, and I, for one, am ready to put December behind me. I don't feel sad, or guilty, or regretful, like I thought I would going into an abortion. Just ready to move forward.
I keep floating down the river but the ocean never comes Since the operation I heard you're breathing just for one Now everything is imaginary, especially what you love You left another message, said it's done It's done When I hear beautiful music it's always from another time Old friends I never visit, I remember what they're like Standing on a doorstep full of nervous butterflies Waiting to be asked to come inside Just come inside But I keep going out I can't sleep next to a stranger when I'm coming down It's 8 a.m., my heart is beating too loud Too loud Don't be so amazing or I'll miss you too much I felt something that I had never touched Everything gets smaller now the further that I go Towards the mouth and the reunion of the known and the unknown Consider yourself lucky if you think of it as home You can move mountains with your misery if you don't If you don't It comes to me in fragments, even those still split in two Under the leaves of that old lime tree I stood examining the fruit Some were ripe and some were rotten, I felt naseous with the truth There will never be a time more opportune So I just won't be late The window closes, shocks roll over in a tidal wave And all the color drains out of the frame So pleased with a daydream that now living is no good I took off my shoes and walked into the woods I felt lost and found with every step I took
Empty.
Today is the first day I feel empty. Since I have been pregnant, I could feel where the embryo was attached. And even as the abortion was underway, I could still feel it there. Maybe not the embryo, but the tissue. The weight of it. And now, as of today, it's not there anymore. It was difficult to get comfortable before because I could feel it there, attached, growing. And now I don't. This makes me feel good in the sense that it seems as though the abortion was successful–with the pill there is always a 1-2% chance that it will be incomplete and the aspiration method has to be used on the follow-up. But the blood is slowing in intensity and growing darker, which means it is older. So I think that is a good sign, that things are progressing without complications. Fingers crossed.
BJs.
Although I am still in a slight amount of pain, I have been super horny the past couple days. It feels slightly strange, since I am three days out from my abortion and bleeding out tissue from my uterus, but want to have so much sex. Bodies are weird.
Last night we had some naked cuddling before bed, which was long overdue. My boobs are still super sore, but feeling slightly less sensitive than a week ago. And that much touch and closeness was helpful in relaxing me before sleeping. Tonight we fooled around again and I gave him a blow-job, which ended in him jerking himself off. And it was awesome. Passionate, sexy, natural.
I still feel ridiculous from the super fast weight gain of five or so pounds but that didn't bother me tonight. Nor did I get emotional about it, which I was slightly afraid might happen. More so, I don't think that sex is everything in a relationship, but in our relationship, it's important. If we go more than a few days without it, our closeness diminishes a bit, and we are less tender and patient with one another. For me, it's a valued communicative aspect of our relationship, and so being able to touch one another and express that–especially after almost 3 weeks of no sex–was what we both needed.
Taking a Toll.
It's hard to explain all the feelings going on inside my head right now. I do not feel the slightest amount of regret now that the abortion has already happened (or is happening, depending upon how you look a it). I don't feel shame, nor do I feel as though God is judging me. I feel completely overwhelmed with relief and grace, two things that I am incredibly lucky to have in my life.
But my relationship with the boyfriend is definitely a step-by-step thing. In bed, on Thursday night, we had a long discussion about our feelings afterward. He told me how he thinks I am incredibly brave, doing something that is both scary and against my personal moral beliefs, because of him. That felt good to hear, because I needed some recognition in that sense, like a "thank you," because the truth is that I did this for him and for no one else.
Yet aside from these little, occasional heart-to-heart talks, things are distant. Today we got in a fight over something entirely minuscule – the kind of thing that we never would have argued before over this. After a lot of crying and cooling down on my part, we talked it out, and I told him that I am so frustrated with this feeling that, for the first time in our relationship, we are not on the same page. Prior to the pregnancy, our relationship has been a dream. We agree on nearly everything, we love spending time together, we finish one another's sentences, and we make a great team without even trying.
But this, this has damaged us. I am confident we can get back to where we were, but it won't come naturally, and that's what is hard. He doesn't see the situation the same way I do on a moral or religious level, nor does he have these hormones coursing through his veins. It's just a bunch of cells, dead cells now, and nothing more to him. And that, the fact that he can't see how much it hurt me, is where the disconnect lies.
Pain.
Right now, the pain is pretty manageable I haven't had any cramping since last night before bed, and my bleeding is similar to my periods. It's strange, because I only have gone less than two months since my last period but it feels like it has been so much longer.
Right now, my uterus feels a bit like it has been through the ringer a couple times, and any kind of walking feels strenuous. And while part of me feels that I am well enough to do normal things, I know sitting in bed and doing close to nothing is the best option for the weekend. I just hope it doesn't get better and then worse again, but in the back of my mind I keep thinking that it could.
Second Set.
Yesterday I slept in until past noon, and then got ready to head to the doctor's. Before I arrived, I stopped at the nearby bakery to add to our stash of food, and as I walked out, a taxi pulled up and the boyfriend stepped out. We headed to the office, checked in, and waited.
We had to pay that day, and it ended up being 285€, or $373. I hope that's not just for the pills but for everything, as I don't want to be receiving additional doctor's visit bills from my insurance. The boyfriend paid for that, and he said it's up to me if I pay half or not. I want to, because of ethical reasons and fairness, since we split everything. But then again, we did talk that I am having this abortion because of him, so it is his penance in a sense. I don't know what's right. We did discuss, however, that from here on out, we use two forms of birth control at all times and we split that cost evenly.
Anyway, the doctor took us into her office and gave me the second set of pills, which were no problem. Then we were taken to a back room with chairs and a couch, a hot water bottle, water to drink, low lighting, and even a few barf bags.
We sat down and, even though the pills are supposed to take about 30 minutes, I already started feeling awful at 10. I tried to deal with it while we watched Dexter on my laptop, but eventually, around 30 minutes, I got up and went to the bathroom. Not much happened, although there was a little blood, so I went back. I passed a nurse on the way to the bathroom and she saw how in pain I was, so on my way back she informed me she had put medicine in the room.
When I got back there was "Schmerztropfen," which is basically liquid medicine. I was given Novalgin, which is a super special kind of pain relief, let me just say. Right after I took it, I began feeling queasy, and then promptly vomited the contents of my stomach (not much at that point) into a barf bag. But I sat down, and began to feel better, as the medicine started working.
I spent the next 30 minutes or so laying down on the couch with the water bottle on my belly. Meanwhile, the boyfriend sat next to me, holding my hand and talking to me. And eventually, when I felt better, I sat up and we continued watching Dexter.
There was a bit more bleeding and passing of blood clots, but nothing too heavy, and around 5:30 or so, the doctor told us we could leave, giving us emergency numbers to call if needed.
We immediately got on the bus and sat down, and that's when intense cramping began. The bus ride was 30 minutes, so dealing with the pain and all the people on the bus and bad air kind of sucked. But we finally got to our stop, and as soon as I stood up, the blood just started coming.
We still had another 700 meters to walk to get home, and we did that very slowly. Thankfully I had an overnight pad and dark sweatpants on, but it was uncomfortable. When we got home, I immediately went to the toilet and that's when lots of blood came out. I'd also completely soaked my underwear, so we started laundry right away.
For the next 6 hours, the blood continued, and I had to change my pad every hour or so. That was the worst part, I think. The pain was not bad any longer, but just the discomfort and the mess.
We went to bed at midnight, and I took sleep aids to hopefully not be too distracted. I woke up once at 3:30, and had to change again, and then slept until 10 a.m., when it was clear that the flow had slowed down.
It seems like the worst of it is over, although I know to expect bleeding on and off for the next week or two, and in varying states. Right now, I am really enjoying hanging out in bed and watching TV, reading, and sleeping, but I hope I don't get too stir-crazy.
Home.
I am home from the doctor after nearly four hours there. More on the experience later, but there is a lot of blood, a little bit of throwing up, and painkillers. Right now I am curled up in bed with a heating pad and an attentive boyfriend not too far away. And I really want to sleep, but might just end up watching TV or something.
"...as I pursued my career as an OB/GYN, I saw the dilemmas that women found themselves in. And I could no longer weigh the life of a pre-viable or lethally flawed fetus equally with the life of the woman sitting before me."
Bleeding.
The bleeding started last night around 11 p.m. It actually began with bad cramping, which felt like one of my heavier periods. I stood up and felt a lot of something about to come out of me, so I reached my hand in my underpants and, sure enough, blood. I hurried to the bathroom and ended up releasing a blood clot. After that, I put on one of the overnight pads, then turned on the heating pad and watched TV. The boyfriend brought me ice cream and chocolate to eat while watching shows, and not long after, we went to bed.
This morning I woke up with no new blood (which is good, since the first pills aren't supposed to really cause much, if any, bleeding) but also feel like someone has punched my boobs. Before, my nipples were sore, but now all of my boobs hurt. My guess is the hormonal changes my body is going through. The pregnancy has already ended, but my body needs to flush it out, which is what happens today.
As for my emotions, I am surprisingly OK. I don't feel regret yet, just sadness. What's done is done. I know that a child is not ideal for us, nor does it fit into our plan, and with my health insurance coverage and our impending marriage, it would be a financial mess. So I feel relief in a strange sense, which I never thought would happen. And discomfort of course, but I deserve that.
The hardest part is seeing all the pregnant friends of mine. I can't talk about this with anyone, or at least, I don't feel like I can, so I have to be reminded of this over and over again. I know it will be my turn someday, and I already know I am not going to be that person who posts a million pictures and updates about an unborn baby on my Facebook wall, because you just don't know... who had an abortion, who had a miscarriage. There's no telling.
