empty soul

love is just a lie

[emptyhumanwalkingaround]

I wish to be the girl I once was

The girl with grass between here toes

Twirling among the plants and trees

To wake up with the sounds of nature

To go to sleep with the stars above

To run bare foot with nature and all her glory

With fresh air and sun light filter throw trees

Drink coffee with the sun rise

Watch my little ones grow up knowing the earth and all her blessings

So they can pick fresh fruit and plants

Have their faces and clothes stained with berries

Be able to be careful and free to run and play and shout

Be able to be kids

[emptyhumanwalkingaround]

So tried my head hurts

But every time I go to sleep

My mind replays fragments of my ptsd and regrets

Feeling trapped, feeling scared

Knowing no one is there to help you

Knowing if u reach out people won’t believe you

And if they do won’t or can’t do anything about it

Scared if u tell people seriously that they will think your crazy

Being put back in the shoes of a small child scared of being alone in her own home

Knowing that it wasn’t safe

That you couldn’t get out

Being completely helpless

If hell exist it can’t be worse

Maybe that’s y not death is not scary

It can’t be worse then this life

[emptyhumanwalkingaround]

A home or place u live is supposed to be a save place

Up till 11 months ago that was never the case with me

I never felt safe

I was scared to close my eyes to sleep

Scared to get out of bed

Scared I would say the wrong thing do the wrong thing

Scared they would be in a bad mood

Scared I was the crazy one

That I was the problem

That I made them like this

The worse part is I’ve dealt with it my whole life

But I know if I tell people they won’t believe me

Trust me I want to break down

I did inside till I felt so empty and broken

My skin is croved in the scares

My mind is conflicted constantly and can never trust anyone

[emptyhumanwalkingaround]

Trigger warning *

People who don’t struggle with suicidal thoughts, will never now the feelings of living past when u except

I’m mid 20s now and have no clue how I made

Maybe it’s dumb luck

Slowly it gets better

But sometimes I wish my younger self had succeeded

It’s hard today this but something no one wants to say is sometimes the feeling of wanting to not exist doesn’t go away

Sometimes it’s better and sometimes it’s not

….

No matter what ur mind says u r important and u do matter

[emptyhumanwalkingaround]

I just want to not hate myself

[emptyhumanwalkingaround]

The hardest part of breaking up my relationship

Was realizing how much I changed myself

So they would love me

To realize it never mattered how much I changed

Because they only wanted my till I was there’s

Then they forgot about me

I was the dusty trophy on the shelf

They could pull out to impress people

But nothing I did matter

Because it wasn’t love

All the lunches I made so they would complain about not having to eat

To find rotten in there backseat

All the laundry I did to find on the floor cuz it wasn’t the right one

All the nights I stayed up to spend time with them even thou I was exhausted and falling asleep standing up

All for nothing because I was nothing to them

Till they didn’t have me

They did remember me till I wasn’t there’s

They forgot I never stay where I’m not wanted

I never stayed cuz I need them I stayed cuz I wanted to

I did everything because I wanted to make there life easier

But it ment nothing because I was doing it for the wrong person

[emptyhumanwalkingaround]

Some are convinced hell is fire and brimstone

Others think it’s what u fear most

For me it’s my life

If I’m scared to loses it I do

If I Fear something it’s there

And sorrow has been my campion through it all

Maybe this is payment for a past life

For no matter how much I try to pull myself up again

All I do is tear my self up more

[emptyhumanwalkingaround]

!!!!!!~~~~~~ABUSE TRIGGER WARNING~~~~~!!!!!!

It’s hard to leave

I’ve know this type of life for too long

The damage done is far more then I thought

How blind was I

Telling myself it’s not that bad

It was an accident

He was drunk

I said the wrong thing

I did something wrong

If I had been nicer it would have happened

….

But to realize that no it was on purpose that it is abusive

Makes it hard to continue to live this life

I have a way out now

So my lies aren’t working

…

It’s hard to think some one I love

Took my breath till my sight turned black

Left me with aches

That where more then bone deep

….

Why do people that love me hurt me?

Why to they take so much and leave so little?

[emptyhumanwalkingaround]

Some of us are trying to make a life

Where we want to live

Not just exist

[emptyhumanwalkingaround]

Depression is the best diet

Lost 20lb in one week

And no one notices that I’m not ok

[emptyhumanwalkingaround]

You left me empty

And alone

It felt so cold with out you there

But ur heat burnt till I was ash

So that I no longer knew who I was

[emptyhumanwalkingaround]

Just want to be with someone who cares

Instead of someone who gaslights me

Calls me a bitch

And says he wish he never married me

Not to mention meets up chicks at bars past 12pm and calls me a cheater

Jeez

Just want to be with someone who actually wants me

Not someone who treats me like an item

Wish I could leave sooner

[emptyhumanwalkingaround]

You know it’s bad when u tell ur partner to reset u like a stranger. Cuz they would treat a stranger 100x better then they do you.

[emptyhumanwalkingaround]

It’s finally come to end

It’s been lonely and painful

But also lovely

I never thought it would hurt this bad

Thought I already lost you along time ago

Had my heart already broken

But it was just fractured

It’s crazy

You’ve hurt me so bad

Even almost sent me to the ground

still can’t imagine me without you

[emptyhumanwalkingaround]

Wish we could back to the days

We just sat around and got high

Skateboarded around town

Like there was no tomorrow

Wish we could go back to the days

We’re we didn’t fight every night

Instead we fell on asleep on each other

What I would do to go back to those nights we stayed up late talking

Wish someone would of told me holding on to what we had

Would turn it bitter and sad

Wish we left before the angers fights and pretty tending the other isn’t home took over

So we could look back at the good time we had

[emptyhumanwalkingaround]

It’s hard to say your broken

That you have scars that run deeper then skin

To know that the amount of times you’ve been hurt make up most of your life

I know that my life isn’t as bad as others

But that doesn’t make it good

My goal is to be in a good enough place mentally

Where I no longer fear being alive

Wish I didn’t wake up

No longer fear trusting people close to me

And Believe I can be loved

[emptyhumanwalkingaround]

I wait for you to be with me in some way

Just to sit next to me

To look at me or ask how my day went

You’ll never now how much it hurts

To wake alone again

To find you on the couch

We haven’t been close in a while

But I thought we were getting better

Then I caught you cheating

You denied it

Told me it was nothing

Then you started coming home later and later

Sleeping on the couch

And left I’m alone