“A shame-based person tries desperately to present a mask to the world that says, “I’m more than human,” or “I’m less than human.” To be more than human is to never make a mistake. To be less than human is to believe that you are a mistake. Dealing in a healthy manner with our mistakes is crucial for the maintenance of self-love. Reframing our mistakes is a way to handle them. Reframing, as I’m using the word, means changing your interpretation or point of view. You put a new frame around a picture or an event to change the way you look at it. This new frame will change its meaning for you. Reframing mistakes means learning to think about them in ways that remove their catastrophic qualities. Instead of awful catastrophes, you view your mistakes as natural and valuable components of your life. This is exactly the purpose of your healthy shame. When you are connected with your healthy shame, you know you can and will make mistakes and use your mistakes as occasions for new learnings or as warnings to slow down and look at what you’re doing. Mistakes are like the buzzer in your car that warns you of the dangers of driving without a seatbelt. If you get a speeding ticket, it can be a warning to drive more slowly and to concentrate on your driving. Such a mistake could ultimately save your life. Toxic shame with its mask of perfectionism changes the warning into a moral indictment. You become so preoccupied with defending yourself against the inner critical voices that you miss the opportunity to heed the warning of the mistake. Get into the habit of refraining the mistake as a warning. Focus on the warning, rather than the culpability.”
— John Bradshaw, Healing the Shame that Binds You (via weltenwellen)
