Knight of flame and chaos

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Speak up, suicide isn’t the answer

https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

We all reach downs in our life some more so then others. We have hit the bottom, and feel that all we can do is wallow in despair as we find ourselves at the bottom of the hole. We feel that their is no chance of anything getting better and that there is only one way out. That is wrong, Their is always a way out always a way to make things better. It may not be easy or even be able to do it all at once but there is a way out.

I know because I personally have contemplated  suicide four times and have attempted to take my own life twice. I lost the battle with my own demons and decided that there was only one way. I thankfully was talked down both times and have since gotten help for my problems. Have I completely won my fight against my demons? No i haven’t, I probably never will. But I have learned how to seek out help when it all seems bleak, to seek out others so I don’t have to fight alone.

Suicide is not the answer, it may seem like it is but it is not. Depression and self-loathing are two of the most common demons that we fight and they are difficult almost impossible to fight it seems sometimes. Trust me I know, I suffer from chronic depression and I know how hard it is to fight, to reach for a helping hand. Often we are so busy looking down in our pit of self loathing and despair that we miss the things around us. Our minds are clouded and vision hampered by the feelings of self doubt, depression, other negativity. We miss or don’t even look up to see the blue sky or that the wall may be easier to climb on the other side of the pit that we find ourselves in. We miss the helping hands that others are reaching out to us.

In life there is no greater opponent then ourselves and sometimes we need to ask for help. There is nothing wrong in asking for help. If you have or someone you know is or has contemplated suicide. Please speak up let them know your there and/or call the prevention hotline [phone] its 24/7 and toll free.

You are not alone. There are people there to help.

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Shard of Rage   (aka  Just let it go)

Anger.

Rage.

Hate.

We all have it no mater what we do, say, think, or believe. Its there burning inside. We also all know that there is a point when you realize that having all this rage,all this hate, all this stress. All any of it is doing is killing you.

You know you need to let it go, tell your self to let it go, even acknowledge it needs to be let go and thus you let it go.

Or at least you try, see no matter what we say even to our selves we can’t  just let it go. We can’t let that little shard of spite go. Its still there, sometimes we don’t know its still there. But often we do know. We know it and can feel it pestering like a wound. A poison so vile, we can’t help but keep it close. And we let that poison sit, that shard of hate and rage simmer in all its toxicity. No matter what we do or say. We have still have it hidden carefully away from the surface just boiling away. 

But sometimes, sometimes  something amazing happens  we wake up one morning, we go about our business. Not realizing something is off. Just that we feel better then we have been. But then you realize that shard of rage, that ball of hate, that poison that is stress. Its all gone it burnt it self out. We have truly and finally let it go and that feeling of freedom you have when you realize that fact is more powerful then any drug or intoxicant that exists.

You realize it doesn't fucking matter how big that ball of hate is or how sharp that shard of rage is. No matter how sweet it whispers to you to give in. To let it run wild. You realize that's all it is. A whisper. Not a whisper from a malevolent master holding the leash. But by a shadow, a monster under the bed. Something you realize only holds what power we surrender to it. Your mind says enough is enough. It forces you to look at the looming darkness and shines a light upon our nightmares only to reveal that is all they are.

A hidden fear of our rage, our hate, ourselves. And then you know, you realize that it holds no power. It disappears like dust in the wind.

But it will be back, it always comes back. It will fester and grow until it consumes you. Until the cycle repeats itself and once again the darkness  in ourselves is banished. For we have truly let it go

[badtunesboi-deactivated20180307]

“Sweet dreams are made of this. Who am I to disagree?“

[phoenix-phoenix-deactivated2019]

Holy shit this fucking super power. The avengers did Quicksilver WRONG.

[professor-maple-mod]

Holy shit

[alexi-bear]

My favorite scene of all time tbh

[jennstarkid]

About a week ago I posted this.

I’ve been getting horrible messages like this in my ask for months, including:

and my personal favorite

After getting the message saying “Just go kill yourself” I was completely done dealing with this person’s horrible messages and replied with just an “Okay.” and logged off tumblr.

About a week later I logged back on with 17 messages in my ask, most of them from the anon. I scrolled down and at first when I logged off, the anon messaged me things like

I scrolled up more and all of a sudden they started sending me more and more messages like

This was extremely surprising to me. I thought “After all those horrible messages you sent to me for MONTHS about hating me and wanting me dead, you say ‘sorry’ and that you ‘cant be responsible for someone’s suicide’?”

But I guess the lesson goes like this:

DONT TELL ANYONE TO KILL THEMSELVES UNLESS YOU ARE PREPARED FOR WHAT MIGHT ACTUALLY HAPPEN

[galaxywarrioress1234]

DON’T TELL ANYONE TO KILL THEMSELVES EVER.

[red-rioter]

THIS POST IS SO IMPORTANT I WANT EVERYONE ON TUMBLR IN THE WORLD TO SEE IT

[serenityhayashi]

This needs to be reblogged. I couldn’t scroll past this if I tried, I got a message like that but not for me, it told me to my friend to kill them self, I was livid! I didn’t answer it because a message like that doesn’t deserve an answer but I don’t see what is so funny about telling someone to kill them selves! I really don’t! It’s sick and it’s wrong. This person though, I take my hat off to you. You taught that bully a lesson.

[dressedlikeadaydrexm]

this.

[luna-bane]

This will always be number one on the list of things that aren’t okay

[lovelyseptics]

Ho-ly shit.

[mr-white-eyes-cosplay-deactivat]

I’ll never not reblog this

[norc-ara-deactivated20160821]

If you dare scroll without reblogging this you have no soul…….. i mean you do but reblogging this wont ruin your blog……. please just spread the word.

[anon-of-the-shadows-archive-dea]

Please people don’t send anon hate your just hurting yourselves…

[goopy-amethyst-deactivated20250]

“I CANT BE RESPONSABLE FOR SOMEONES SUICIDE NOW STOP COME BACK ON”

Did you mean: I’m a fucking asshole but I don’t want people to know it because it would destroy me  I HAVE FEELINGS TOO BURR BURR 

[ubeshibe]

In a hypothetical situation, had OP actually killed themselves, you can’t just, “stop” and “Come back on,” the deed would have already been done.

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Words hold more power then you know. And while this didn’t in tragedy It could of easily done so. Considering I myself have attempted to take my own life I know all to well the fine line that people sometimes can be on if they are considering suicide. Shit like this written by an asshole who is a waste of space could be would be something that pushes someone over that edge. And no amount of sorry would change the fact that someone is dead because of a few hateful words by an asshole with apparently nothing better to do.

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This amuses me far more then it should.

My Wither killing box. The blocks are reinforced obsidian I believe.

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Here we have the library/myst craft station. The top one is from the citadel the bottom is the opposite next to the stair case to the second floor.The big gaping hole is the top of an aquarium that I had squid in. This one I had mixed feelings on I liked the way the bookshelf s turned out and the general layout but it was missing something to keep me from being truly happy with it. You can also see what would be my AE2 on the far side.

The actual  aquarium itself. I built this so I could farm ink sacs which where needed for ink vials which I needed for myst craft

The basement of the library with the enchanting table. I got a garage door on the left side that lead to the ink farm machinery.The door on the right leads no where.

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Here we have some more construction done to the Citadel. The ground elevator/main entrance lead up into the Portal Room.

The Portal room a multi-floor teleporting area.The blue circles are Crystal portals from Myst craft. The original plan was to have a quick travel system set up to everywhere I had something. As I didn't know how much I was going to build I built in excess. I never around to using that excess as the most I ever  had was 6 active Portals I believe at one time or another. Another plan was to change out the cobblestone for something a little more industrial like. However that never came to be as I found I built the thing to thin and never got around to changing it as I lost inspiration to continue.

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This is the beginning construction of the Floating citadel I decided to build as my main base.Sadly while I got decently far with it I never finished it.

The slanted glass is carpenter blocks back to back. Due to the clear glass I was using to color the blocks it had odd render errors. I Never was to sure if liked the effect or not. I do like the view though.

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This is the Alter of the Twin Snake aka my blood alter needed for blood magic

A tier 5 if i remember correctly. This room and the attached catacombs took me around a week to build and yes everything was done legit. The box structure is a mob spawner with cursed earth and corresponding ritual to harvest said mobs below it. The Alter  itself should automated in that it will harvest nonstop thanks to the mob spawner, the ritual and I got a chunk loader...somewhere. I also did automating in making the various plates/runes.Underneath the center I got a Steve’s factory that will automatically remove or insert the orb make whatever I need and then remove and replace the orb. I also got so it takes excess blood and stores it or if I just did something that drop the blood pool below a certain point will fill it. Rather that was the plan , while the automation system worked it still had some hiccups that keep me from calling it a complete success. The next problem is  the mob spawner worked a little to well and I had mobs breaking out literally in several cases. That and the there where a few spots in the room in general that where dark enough to spawn. I got around that by putting a magnum torch in one of the walls to stop spawns regardless of light level, the Cursed earth allowed spawns to happened regardless.

inside the spawner. I am under the effects of night vision. Got a sound muffler in the center and 4 white lights attached to a redstone wireless with the other end attached to the automated system down below. It when the alter reached a set amount of blood in it would turn on the lights and deactivate the spawner by burning the Cursed earth back to its original single block. When turned off the curse would spread quickly back. There was also a master override switch attached that would turn on the lights regardless.

The automation program.

A few random picture of place as I was building it

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The entrance to the catacombs and Temple of The Snake God.

A dead end...or is it?

Yep another hidden door.

More alters

After another flight of stairs,3 traps and yet another hidden door we have arrived at the Temple of the Twin Snake God Of Blood.

back side of the twin snake entrance.

Close up of the Twin Snake.

Now in case you haven’t realized this entire complex was made for the mod blood magic. The small alters are used for simple magic though i never got around to actually loading them for use. The Alter itself is beyond the door here. Overall the complex and the alter itself which I will show in another post is the biggest build I have ever done.

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The Temple outer entrance.

This is the Temple doorway closed and open.

Those discolored spots are actually invisible pressure plates 6 on each side of the door and wired  in such a way to have the door closed when nobody is on the plates. It took me a embarrassingly long time to figure out the wiring.

The Temple Inner room.

This is the inner room of the Temple. With a meditation Circle in the center of everything. The water works that flow through out the temple actually are a tradition of mine. When I first started playing MInecraft back in vanilla the first project/build I did beyond basic base rooms, was in fact a fountain. Ever since it has been a tradition of mine whenever I start a new world to build a fountain of some kind. This one grew to be bigger then I thought possible and beyond a mere fountain. It will be tricky to top.

The back of the temple has the secret entrance to Forbidden temple to the Snake God

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The pokeball temple or as I originally named it The Garden Temple.

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This a map view of the base.

 Please note this one is somewhat outdated. The Pokeball actually wasn’t intended as a pokeball it just kinda happened. It was originally supposed to be in that spot just to the north but I couldn't get the thing to fit right so I moved to the mountains which I think worked better over all. The bridge to the right was actually my first major build for this world. Let me know if you want a picture of it. 

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Soooo....been a while huh? Anyhoo I got onto a Minecraft kick not to long ago. I think I will post some of my builds

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Winter? Nah Spring is Coming

Spring is coming. That should be the motto  as opposed to Winter is Coming. It is mid March and the weather is warm the skies are blue and everything is apparently beautiful. Except I don’t care in fact I hate spring well the first part anyway its coming means weeks maybe even months of tissues, pounding headaches, coughing up crap, and stuffy and stopped up noses for people like me. Allergies oh how i hate them  they make my life and millions of other people’s miserable. Can’t breath Can’t sleep Can’t taste anything yeah Spring is Coming

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Job hunting

So  I work a shitty dead end job. That’s normal I know. I’m also trying to go to school and expand my skills so I can what I want to do. That’s also normal I know. However, I find it difficult to find a job in the technology field when I have no experience in a professional environment. I can’t get the job because I don’t have any experience and I don’t have experience because I can’t the get the job. DOES ANY ONE SEE A PROBLEM HERE?  I actually had one guy say to me” I like you kid but you don’t have the experience we are looking for come see me again when you get some experience.” How can I get the experience when no one will give me a shot?

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Let me  say “huh?”

Here we go again this time I’m talking about people and perspectives. Or at least somewhat in this case. Now not to long ago I almost got fired from my shitty job. The reason a cash shortage. Now I am mature enough to admit it was my fault no matter how unpleasant admitting I’m wrong is, It was still no one else’s  fault but my own. The only reason I didn’t get fired was that the customer brought the extra back. She brought back the extra cash I gave by accident and didn’t keep it. I was kinda shocked that someone out there was honest enough to do that. I don’t know if i’m honest enough to do that. So there is that and that conflicts with certain opinions I have. One i have is that people are scum deep down and will always step on someone to get above someone else. The fact that someone did something like this and brought back the cash that was missing when it was literally no consequences for her to keep it is was shocking. To the point of all I can say is Huh. I’ve been proven wrong before and probably will be proven wrong again. But in this case in this scenario even if its just that one little time. Someone a complete stranger proved me wrong like this is surprising.