// m u s i n g s

"we play this game until we come to love, and i realize that i am terrified (jugular vein) of what might come"

[deathgasmic]

half avoidant on my father's side

[vampzip]

half anxious on my mother’s side

[bodegaowner-deactivated20190930]

my kink is when people tell me they were thinking about me

[inkskinned]

oh you don't seem to understand. i told all those people about you so i could never look back. i knew what power you had over me. i knew your name was ringing in me still. it wasn't easy. i knew exactly the size of the bridge i was burning - i told the people i knew would bring me the kerosene.

you never protected me - but they certainly will.

[diabolicjoy]

you can start learning anything you always wanted at any point in your life. & how nice it is to remember that

[apocryphics]

begin again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and

[inkskinned]

these days when you close your eyes, what else do you want but to be loved in a warm and permanent way. the open soft hand, the lowered voice, the blanket around your shoulders. you want to be loved like hot chocolate, like spring flowers, like dawn. you want to go to sleep protected and wake up fully rested. you want the wounds in you to matter, you want someone who is patient around your scars.

how greedy. these days when you look around, how many little ways are you assaulted by the notion that it's wrong to need others. individualism! capitalism! bootstraps! every time you try to language it, you need to cover up your desire into a carefully-worded soundbite: of course no single person can fulfill every need and we must invest in communities and i must be responsible for my own mental health and

but the yawning in you doesn't understand logic or sound or reason. it only sees sundays, only sees what you do-not-have, only sees the look others share and that you so desire. sick with dread at it, sick at how it makes you want, how you yearn in no direction.

no matter how many people you take with you to bed, no matter how many hands touch the tattoo you share with your sibling, no matter how many times you kneel with your knees bleeding. always, the ache that never stops chewing, the desperate sick loneliness that never quite abates. it never stops humming, i need i need i need. you burn your inner child for warmth and scatter the ashes into your morning coffee.

so you shut up and you load your life like shotgun shells and you try to make yourself whole in the way that others are whole. you let your father's words spill out of your mouth. you make a quick joke rather than tear your heart open. you sing into the mic and go home with stars in your eyes. your life is beautiful and you're lucky! you have everything a person can need!

but it would be nice, is the thing. to have a love that feels like peace.

[bakwaaas]

to have failed is a sign you tried…. the mistakes, the relationships that didn’t make it, the job you didn’t get, the plans that fell through…. you tried, you lived, you loved.

[inkskinned]

can someone invent a type of letting go that actually feels good instead of feeling like your soul is getting ripped out via large intestine

[hopelessvalentines]

[eqqbyte]

@ineloquent-creature // @lilcowgirl7 // @inkskinned // unknown // For M, Mikko Harvey

[bakwaaas]

and for my next trick: delaying the inevitable

[inkskinned]

it is a slow and dampening torture when no one will listen to you. hydraulic press on your tongue. a whistle that screams through your blood. when-and-if you explode, you are treated as if radioactive; others flinch in shame.

are you sick? are you sad? are you actually in pain? it is selfish to be attention-seeking, right. they will tell you that it is "brave" to ask for help, but when you ask for help, they'll suggest a hotline. the hotline will suggest you see a doctor before disconnecting. the doctor will suggest you drink more water and lose weight.

are you asking him to put in more effort? to plan dates? to actually-clean around the house? to be genuinely interested in your life? someone tells you that you should never beg to be loved, but if you leave him, they'll ask why you didn't try talking it over first. if you leave because he doesn't wash the dishes, you're being unfair. if he cheats, you should have treated him better. you're a nag and a witch and now you're ruined goods.

are you struggling? how's that rent check. well, keep hustling! it'll be okay slapped in a bumper sticker over your face. good luck, babe.

at a certain point you stop trying to shout. there's no point anyway.

[reckonner]

it was never gonna work out but i experienced all these seemingly profound unreplicable moments that were romantic and moving and made me feel alive and still none of it actually means anything in the long run. but thats okay. sometimes a beautiful moment is just that. a moment. and you have to leave it alone and just be grateful that it happened. woooow

[inkskinned]

realizing i am thinking about you instead of the audiobook and going back 15 seconds on the libby app. realizing i am thinking about you instead of the groceries and i have been in this aisle forever, just staring at bread choices. realizing i am only on instagram to send you things. realizing i am thinking about you in the middle of my morning routine like you pardon the early hour just by existing.

little hopscotch moments where i get to nest in the memory of you. i get stuck, candycoated in the sound of your voice. the shape of your hands. the little spray of freckles over your cheeks. your hair fanned across my bedsheets. realizing i am thinking about you instead of applying for jobs. realizing i am thinking about you instead of writing poems. realizing the sound of your name has become a second heartbeat somewhere in the rabbit warren of me.

[stuckinapril]

[stuckinapril]

being a girl in your early 20s is the equivalent of sitting on your porch at the earliest hours of dawn and waiting for someone to fall in love with you

[lamignonette]

[stuckinapril]

(girl who has isolated herself from all her friends for weeks on end voice) why do I feel like shit right now