I am at despair’s cruelest point now. I am in indescribable fears of loving for the first time. I think of you in weary mornings of sleepless nights And I run to you again with fears. I have the same question in my mind: “What if she loves me?” Thinking what may happen then scares me. For the first time, I realize that I will be defeated. Your confident eyes, lips, and hands before me tell me this. I curse all the years I spent without knowing you. My lips keep saying your name for thousands times now, which I didn’t know before. Sometimes, I burst with happy excitements as if I am looking at a painting. Sometimes, you bewitch me with eternal beauty of an old Greek statue. When your eyes meet my eyes, I remember my weakness and that you didn’t and won’t love me. You can’t imagine how I fall to pieces then. When one looks at the sky and realizes that one is a small and desperate creature in this endless universe, Your beauty makes me think the same things as well. Sometimes I live in blues, sometimes in reds, sometimes in blacks with you. Every word your lips utter grows inside me like waves in the water that a stone thrown into. I hear your half-bleak childish voice in my ears wherever I go and then, your peculiar smell, which is the most enchanting and the most seducing one and your eyes… Your eyes that brings the cold sorrow of a dark evening. Everything that I can see and hear tells me that I should love you. Far gets closer as I go far Worse still, I am scared that I will go far as I get closer. Maybe, I will never be able to tell you that I love you Neither to you nor to someone else. I mean, I can’t even tell myself most of the time. I feel like everything will end and this unique spell will be broken the moment I tell you. You know that deceiving oneself is very hard. I know that this fear of love is actually to love very much but I can’t describe it. I guess, the real fear is not about loving but it is the fear of not being loved that we hide behind loving. We try to console ourselves with little deceptions and we seek consolation in every deadlock we reach. Maybe, we feel the same fears but we don’t know that. To love… To love you to the utmost… To love without caring about anything and by thinking nothing of all the darkness. To hold your hands, to go down those depths, to go there, to those places. There should be you and living you there and, even in a place where you are, Not to be able to be without you with you… Then, not to be able to tell you that I can’t and won’t be able to do without you To keep quiet… To keep quiet… Until I scare stiff…
izzy806
kaledo-art
theartofmadeline
jacobvanloon
