Things the Hogwarts Houses say
(loosely based on conversations Iâve had/overheard)
âIf you donât start singing along to High School Musical with me in under 30 seconds you will no longer be my best friend"Â
 "I swear on my chicken nuggets-â
âYes I made that joke up by my self - no itâs not from Spongebob Squarepants how dARE YOU-â
âSpeaking of Spongebob can we just take a few moments to discuss how much of a masterpiece that first movie was pleaseâ
âAh yes, itâs 3 in the morning, time to get emotional and tell all my friends how much I love themâ
âYou made me chocolate??? Oh my God I love you so much thank you Iâll have some right no - THIS HAS RAISINS IN IT YOU TRICKED MEâ
âOh my God yeah I saw that movie, my favourite part was when - oh shit wait thereâs this adorable kitten video I meant to show you last week and I completely forgot let me get it up on my phoneâ
âSorry Iâm late I was up all night watching those videos where kids get surprised with puppiesâ
âAre you awake? Great, letâs start planning our future homes together, I have a pinterest board readyâ
âThis is my favourite photo album! Itâs full of photos of all the cats and dogs Iâve made friends with on my walks, Iâve even given them all namesâ
(crying)Â âStop calling me emotional God damn itâ
 "Of course I remember you said you liked the colour red, you told me at like 1:35 am last year in May"
âWhat? Simplifying equations? No, I canât help with that but I do know all the words to every Simpsons episode in the first 5 seasons if that helps"
âSorry I really canât go out today. No Iâm fine, Iâm just stressed Iâm doing something important. Iâm trying to memorise all the words to this documentary about frogs - What? Yes of course itâs important!â
âI discovered and fully analysed that meme 3 weeks ago, step up your gameâ
âWhat do you mean why do I have a folder full of strategic plans on how to succeed at animal crossing, thatâs not weird?â
âSir, I donât mean to be rude but Iâve been doing my own research and youâre getting all of this wrong. Well yes I know Iâm not the teacher here but - Yes, actually, Iâd love to teach the class my self Iâve already made a lesson plan, thank youâ
âNo, I wonât come and see Jurassic World with you. Because itâs completely unrealistic! Do you have any idea what dinosaurs are actually supposed to have sounded and looked like? Even adult velociraptors werenât meant to be that b - OK you know what, I will come, but Iâll be pointing out every single problem to you. No, itâs too late, you already invited me. Iâm buying our tickets right now, donât moveâ
âYou really think you can beat me at Mario Kart? I have spent YEARS studying this game and honing my skills, spending hours upon hours training until my hands cramp and even my tv is judging the amount of time Iâve spent playing and you think YOU can beat me? Letâs fucking goâ
âI think these guys think I want to murder them because I followed them home but itâs only because I overheard them talking about what would happen if Pokemon is real and I wanted to see how good their logic wasâ
âShut up? Shut up? I havenât shut up for 17 years and Iâm not about to start nowâ
(crying) "I just want Shakespeareâs ghost to be proud of meâ
âIâd love to have a sleepover but it can only be when thereâs a thunderstorm so we can dance in the rain, let me check the weather forecastâ
âDid that bee just try and sting you? COME BACK HERE BEE YOU COWARD IâM GONNA FUCK YOU UP - wait shit no runâ
"What did you say? Donât touch it? Alright.â (touches it as soon as the person turns away) âSuckerâ
âWhaaat? Someone wrote on the desk? No it wasnât me I would never do th - My name was there? Well, Iâm not the only one in the world with my na - My surname was there too? What are the chances?!â
âHelp me I started saying lmao ironically and I canât stopâ
âBefore you say anything it wasnât me - unless it was something awesome then I definitely planned the whole thingâ
âExcuse me? They said what to you? ⊠I have to go for a second, I just remembered something completely unrelated. No, no, Iâm not taking this fork with me for any particular reasonâ
âUm, did you just tell me itâs impossible to sing along to a guitar solo? Stand back. Your mind is about to get blownâ
âI am so not drunk! Iâm completely drunk! ⊠Wait shit I meant soberâ
âIâM SO PROUD OF YOU AAAH LET ME HUG YOU! IâM NOT LETTING GO FOR THE NEXT 3 HOURS, GET COMFORTABLE BITCHâ
âI bet I can stay up for longer than you - what no Iâm not tired shut up - nO THAT WASNâT A YAWN I WAS JUST SHOWING YOU WHAT IT WOULD LOOK LIKE IF I WAS TIRED - SEE I DID IT AGAIN TOTALLY ON PURPO - ok fuck you Iâm going to sleepâ
âOh my God, just tell me what you did already so I can start complainingâ
âSorry, I didnât catch that. Did you say STOP saying fuck, or KEEP ON saying fuck?â
âOver your dead body? I was hoping youâd say thatâ
âIf you even LOOK at them one more time I will take a stick as big as your ego and stick it right up your-â
âDonât come near me or - OK fine, we can snuggle for exactly 15 minutes. Iâm setting a timer nowâ
âHey, I saw you posted a picture of us on instagram yesterday where my eyeliner isnât completely straight? Youâre gonna have to delete that, if anyone thinks my eyeliner isnât drop dead perfect every day and that Iâm not a literal make up goddess Iâll lose my reputation as the Regina George of the schoolâ
âBut keep the one where Iâm wearing no make up so that all those bitches know I still kill it without tryingâ
âOh come on, you know Iâd never do anything to embarrass you! Speaking of which, that video I posted on youtube the other day of you falling down the flight of escalators in the shopping centre has reached over 1000 viewsâ
âMy dad told me tattoos were trashy so I got a giant tattoo saying âtrashyâ on my back Iâll send you his reaction laterâ
âIâm not a sentimental person but if you touch my teddy bear I will turn you into a stuffed trophy to put next to himâ
âWhat do you mean I look smug this is my normal faceâ
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