Am I A Horrible Person?

I've been told that I tend to do things and say things that aren't totally right. So I've found a pattern of me asking people "Am I a horrible person?" after explaining things I've said, done, proposed to do, or hypothesized about. So here it is, Internet. Stories about things I've done or that other people have done, all laid down for your judgment. Am I a bad person? Please submit your own anecdotes and I'll proof them for posting!

[epic-eps]

20.

Incident Report:

Today, I was trying this "going outside" thing that people keep telling me is a "good idea" and something I "need to try." I went for a walk and was minding my own business and, within 100 meters of my building, I was viciously attacked by a bird. Viciously. It bit my upper arm and there was a little blood. It flew away and hissed at me from a tree about 1.5 meters away. Of course, I yelled "Well, [censored] you bird!" and hissed back. To which it took exception to. The bird then dive bombed at me while I made a... Strategic retreat... then flew back into its nest.

This, of course, would not stand. So I went across the street to McDonald's, bought a 6 pack of chicken nuggets, waited for the bird to leave, climbed the tree to its nest, and put all the chicken nuggets in the bird's nest. Then promptly fell out of the tree while climbing down.

Am I a horrible person?

[epic-eps]

gypsy-skipping-stones answered your question: 19.

do it again

My dear, I do it all the time.

Here's one of my favorites:

There once was a man from east Kent, Who's d*ck was so long that it bent. To save girls the trouble, He folded it double, And instead of "coming," he went.

[epic-eps]

19.

My boyfriend told me to text him to wake him up for exams. So when the time came, I texted him a total of about 10 dirty limericks, 5 dirty jokes, and a couple horrible haikus. He thought they were hilarious, but told me never to do that again. Am I a horrible person?

[epic-eps]

18.

When I was a child, I used to take my sister's barbie dolls and take all their limbs off and put them back in the wrong spot and then left them around her room for her to find. Am I a horrible person?

[epic-eps]

codykazzam answered your question: 9.

no you are wonderful for giving the gift of glorious showtunes

Why, thank you! I'm just really glad those are the lines he remembered.

[epic-eps]

17.

In my web programming class, we were learning how to write php and it made absolutely no sense to me. I couldn't get my page to load and muttered "f*ck php." Except it wasn't as quiet as I thought it was. The teacher starts laughing and says "Yeah, it is kinda a b*tch, isn't it?" Am I a horrible person?

[epic-eps]

16.

At least twice when I was a child, when my mum took me to the shops, I would leave the stores when I got bored without telling my mother. She and my father bought me a backpack with a leash attachment so I wouldn't wander. I may have been a difficult child.

[epic-eps]

15.

When I was 8 years old, my family had a reunion in a park. I went exploring on one of the side paths. Apparently, my parents and grandparents thought that I was "lost" for an hour and a half before I wandered back because I was hungry.

[epic-eps]

14.

One time, my sister was running around the house in a bra and sleeping pants. She didn't believe that I would lock her out of the house and dared me to do it. It was late November and about 10 degrees Celsius outside. I did it. She had to run around to the other side of the house to get back in. Am I a horrible person?

[epic-eps]

13.

My sister, two cousins, and I (all between the ages of 10 and 14) used an entire two containers of shaving cream and paper towel rolls to have an epic war across the house. It resulted in an hour of cleaning shaving cream, showers for everyone, a couple of bruises and some minimal bloodshed. Were we horrible people?

[dadistabsurdism]

I have the self esteem of that bag of shit that was set on fire and left on that asshole neighbor’s front porch. And then stomped all over.

[epic-eps]

12.

A few years ago, Ness and I spent an entire afternoon testing mosquito ringtones in a house of crowded people. Without telling them first. For science. Are we horrible people?

[epic-eps]

11.

On multiple occasions, I've hidden small, light sensitive robots that make a high pitch buzzing while the lights are off all around the house. Including on top of the fan blades. I was the only one impressed by it. Am I a horrible person?

[epic-eps]

10.

One time, I was going to put red food coloring in the tank part of my younger sister's toilet so all the water would be red. I got caught while trying to take the tank lid off. Am I a horrible person?

[epic-eps]

9.

I tried to teach my 3 year old cousin the lyrics to "Master of the House" from Les Misérables. My Aunt thought he was adorable because all he remembered was "Master of the House/ Keeper of the Zoo/ Ready to relieve 'em of a sou or two." Am I a horrible person?

[epic-eps]

8.

When talking puns with two of my friends, Ness and I spent at least 10 minutes making period jokes at the expense of our guy friend. Are we horrible people?

[epic-eps]

7.

A friend of mine and I were sitting in the middle of a crowded Chili's and spent 10 minutes making abortion puns over dinner. Are we horrible people?