This is the story of a man named Apolonio, who calls himself 'Pol'. Pol studies Philosophy in UP Diliman, where he is running for latin honors and studies in the Palma Hall Building. He lives in Fairview, he knows how to drive, and is two years younger than Eren. Pol is hot! Pol came into Eren's life when he dropped a "hello!" in his inbox on Growlr.
This guy's cute, Eren thought. Eren hasn't been seeing anybody for a while now, and with his flame with the teacher slowly dying out, his occasional use of the app wasn't for nothing. He was curious: all he saw in the profile was a picture, a few stats and an empty description box. He thought it wouldn't be a bad idea to reply to this stranger. He was doing volunteer work, but since it wasn't labor-intensive, he took the bait and soared with it. "Hello," Eren replied.
Eren didn't know that this would start a particularly intense three days. They would chat on the app about trivial things like, "you're the first guy I've met who's into Russell Crowe like that haha cool!" or "wahaha i would actually consider myself a graphic designer din 🤓," Pol would say. This amused Eren. The two would chat with mutual interest about the surface-level facts about each other's life. Pol was also a graphic designer. Eren saw a pattern in his dating life, a pattern he didn't choose but nevertheless attracts him. When Pol would ask if they could switch messaging platforms, Eren suggested Twitter, and off they went.
They would talk more, and deeply. They learned a lot about each other: what's your name? do you have pets? where do you study? why do you resent your father? These were some of the many topics they shared, and it was clear to anyone that both parties were starting to have a connection. They haven't even met yet.
After the first day, and after messaging in the late afternoon, Pol would mention how he expected Eren's message early in the morning, to Eren's surprise. I did want to chat, but I was a bit shy. I waited for your chat as well, Eren would say. Naghihintayan? This was the day Eren went to Maginhawa without his glasses (important later) to accompany his siblings in satifying their Chick Chicken cravings. Unknowingly, this was also the 1-year anniversary of his leaving Seiji and the final time of seeing each other in person. This was also the day he cried like his world was going to end. Eren going back to Maginhawa St, you would think this would curtail his efforts to happiness. Add to that that that day was graduation day, and there were sunflowers on the campus. No doubt Seiji was here, he's part of the graduation too. To Eren's future relief, this was unkonwn to Eren only after that day. Perhaps there was somebody else occupying his mind?
They would converse with each other from 17:00 until 23:00. Not a dead air or blank thought was sighted. Eren thought that Pol was extremely fun to talk to, especially their conversations about intellectual things. What's your thesis about? What's your favorite dialectical method? Did you know Marx wasn't only known for his philosphies? Maybe you'd be interested to go out and eat? Yes!! What time do we meet tomorrow and where? After the plan was set, Eren would send a good night text. Pol responded with the same but added his personal flair to it:
Pol gave Eren terrible anxiety, to no fault of the former. Eren thought that Pol was insanely attractive, that it was doubtful why Pol would even choose nor want to date somebody like Eren. This sent Eren into an actual panic attack on Sunday. Eren never had one before, he thought. It's clear Eren still had so much stuff to go through with his self-esteem, nevertheless he pushed through, only vomiting all he ate the night before he would ask Pol for a date on Monday, the next and final day.
Eren didn't sleep all night that night. It was hunger mixed with nerves mixed with anxiety mixed with hope mixed with kilig. There's just no way this guy is real, Eren would think to himself. It got so bad he had to call upon his best friend, Juliane, for advice. You're hot, girl, he's not out of your league, Juliane would text Eren. Alright girl, not too much.
The dreaded day came. Eren would only sleep late in the morning and early in the afternoon. Eren and Pol would chat the noon away like they had nothing to lose and everything to gain. What's your favorite song? What are you listening to currently? Your favorite YouTuber? Pol was at school in the afternoon. He would send Eren pictures of a lecture he had already attended and talk about it. He would then be offline from 15:00 onwards for his actual subjects. It was about syntax and semantics. For the next 5 hours starting from 17:30, Eren would feel the most intense emotions the limited time of 5 hours can offer.
Eren was unfamiliar with the UP Campus. He didn't commute here alone before. Yet Pol would talk to him and would guide Eren. Eren was on the verge of melting. The tachy heartbeats, sweaty palms, and the urge to vomit, this all contributed to an overall feeling of nervousness that he had never felt before on a first date, not even with Seiji, not with anyone he remembers. Eren would finally see Pol in his self-described dark blue polo, walking amongst runners of the University campus, trying to act cool, and Pol would see Eren back, nervousness also reflecting in his body language as he approached. Eren stood up and greeted Pol. He looks better in person, Eren thought.
Seiji couldn't even fucking compete. Eren didn't really think that. He more on felt relieved that his nerves were slowly fading, and that the guy he was dreading to meet was already there, in front of him, not running away and not flinching, seeing Eren at face-value. This was real and this was happening.
Pol was talkative. His voice was calm, soothing. Eren would be taken to A2 where he would mention that this is where his previous classmate lived. Pol took Eren to an open-air foodplace that Pol frequented. They ordered food and ate before the sun would completely hide underneath the horizon. During eating, Pol would show Eren, without being asked, facts and things about himself: Here's my video project we did for that one subject, here's that design work I did for this one organization. I don't know why I'm showing you this, Pol would say while hiding his face. He had a certain calmness and non-agression that could only be likened to a puppy. This is going great so far.
The sun was still out, Pol took Eren to see the UP Film Institute, and to a place he said he likes to go to: the lagoon. It was getting dark, and while you can't see the true magic of the lagoon, as Pol said it was most glorious during the day, it still felt nice. The sun was a quarter gone this time. Pol's company made it good. They walked through the lagoon. Next, Pol guided Eren to see 'Oble,' a name so nonchalantly said it was like it was somebody he knew well. The sun has dusked, officially. Gusto mo makita si Oble'? They would spend the better part of the evening in front of the oblation, talking about school, lectures, life, and anything that interests both of them. You could see the connection building.
Philosophy of mind. Aristotle. Epistemology. Rationalism. These are some of the concepts and topics he'd share during their date in front of Oble. Watching Pol speak with enthusiasm about a certain topic was attractive, and Eren shared things in reciprocation, which he know Pol also found attractive. What was the lecture about? What's your thesis idea about? Sitting there, hearing the splash of the fountain dancing, the murmur and movement of the people around them, Eren would only look at Pol, completely entrenched in the conversation like the rest of the world was not there happening with them.
When they'd get restless, Pol would take Eren to Gyud Food, the biggest food hall in the campus. Full of different stalls and stuff, the place had fairy lights and trees and picnic tables. It was nice there at night. Pol and Eren would continue their conversation there, sitting infront of each other on the picnic table, talking about stuff until it was time for them to go home, signaled by his father's beck and call. You sing? Do you smoke? You have a letterboxd?! They walked from Gyud Food to the bus terminal outside the campus, and Pol would continue their conversation from Gyud Food. You drink a lot? Your parents know you're gay? You think I'm a bad person? Pol would treat Eren's bus fare. They would sit beside this bus and talk more about their lives. Religion, parents, siblings, aspirations. They just couldn't stop finding newer topics to discuss.
They had a lot of similarities, Pol and Eren. They both have gay sisters, were both in the 3rd year, were both graphic designers, were both on Growlr, both had (is having) hoe phases, and they both liked each other. Going home, Pol and Eren would just incessantly talk about nonsense which is important for lore-building of each other's lives. The type of talking that made it seem like there was more to follow, like there would be a second date.
And for a moment, Eren really thought there would be. The 18 minutes it took to commute from Sandigan back to home was enough time for Eren to hope, fantasize, daydream, and again ground himself. He felt a certain pleasure he hasn't felt in a long time. Could this really be it?
That was it. Eren said, this was a great date; I hope to know you better. And while he reflected the same sentiment, he added it by saying something completely unexpected:
I've just gone out from a relationship and I don't think I'm ready for anything serious right now.
Eren has been in this situation before, he thought, but he was the one delivering this news. It was with Seiji, and he dated a guy off of Grindr because he thought he had moved on (or he was lonely). Confusion and dread washed over Eren. All this good feelings form the date, is it all for naught? With the memory of the date still fresh, Eren scrambled to find the right words, right action, right thoughts to deal with this situation that was handed to him.
Eren was clear on his profile: he dates with intention. Eren thought Pol knew that when he wholesome-ly sent a message on his inbox. Apparently not. Ranting to friends help. They made Eren see the truth for what it is: Pol is not ready for a relationship, and Eren is not about to turn into a fucking backburner. Eren asked him finally, why would you even agree to go on a date with me, then? This is what he said:
i'm honestly open to meeting new people! but at the same time i'm also trying to rebuild myself 😆 i was there in that app initially to have physical relations lang xd but i honestly thought u were really cool and after tn i'd really like to get to know u more!! i guess if it's okay with you, mabagal lang? like i'm open to seeing where this goes pero atm, kung okay lang, nothing too serious at the moment? wahahah
How slow? Normal pace slow or indefinite slow? Latter, he said.
i think i'm leaning towards more the latter?? sorry:( break up was Recent recent and ayun nga i was only there kasi i wanted to potentially hook up lang with somenbody hwhashah i do find myself interested with you though, but i guess right now i don't wanna put myself back in that headspace lng
Got it. Here is Eren's ever-so-eloquent response, born from years and years of trying and failing to find love in all the wrong places:
Healing that kind of pain is an independent journey, tried and tested na for me yan, and it took me one year to move on. And I can understand why you wanted the connection, even if you didn't fully know where you stood yet.
A part of me would love to offer friendship, to keep some form of connection. Pero prangkahan, I know that wouldn't sit right with me. I date with intention, and I know I'm interested in you as MORE than friends, so I wouldn't be able to neatly compratmentalize that into a friendship box without me undermining myself and my worth.
So, as much as I'd love to stay connected or even take up your offer for slow, I think the most respectful thing for both of us is for me to take space. No hard feelings, pol! I just know myself, and this is the best decision for both of us (if you know game theory, this is the part where i can say na it's a win-win).
Maybe someday. Just drop me a message here. we can stay moots naman right? anyways, i firmly believe na destiny always finds us where we need to be. This was simply a case of wrong timing. Who knows?
He tried to salvage little of what was left by, other than saying yes, you can message me anytime, he also said let me know if you wanna hook up. How classy. How insulting. Thank God Eren knew better. He has been in Pol's shoes. he knew what this is. Eren was grown enough to know that that won't end well for the both of them. Before he said all that bullshit (which he later withdrawn, as nonchalantly as he likes to apologize), he also formally apologized on not being clear at the beginning. He also said that I do think you are an interesting person, I would've liked to know you more, but that proceeding with this would be unfair to you, which is all correct. Eren needed that accountability from him. He's smart enough for that, atleast.
Pol taught Eren a lot, notwithstanding the philosophy lessons and facts about him. Eren interrogated so many aspects of himself today, insofar as even confronting himself about his own worldview and fragile ego. It was difficult, but Pol, unbeknownst to him, helped. Even if Eren thought, for a few minutes, that hope was possible, this was enough to convince him that love, even at the wrong time and circumstance, is worth living for.
7/9/25 - Eren would cry for two days--first is after writing this entry, then second, on the angkas ride home from an org photoshoot. It was cathartic. He will be rewatching 'The Sum of Us' to remind himself of his values and morals.
