Eritas Daily

The #1 News Source in the Sombrero Galaxy

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Austin Government Says Police Have to Knock First Before Arresting Birth Control Users

Austin Government Says Police Have to Knock First Before Arresting Birth Control Users

(Austin, TX) Last weekend, Austin residents voted on Proposition A, an initiative to decriminalize marijuana at lower levels and ban no-knock warrants. The proposition was passed by a wide margin and was met with celebration by Austin’s progressive base. After the story of Breonna Taylor, more cities are planning to end no-knock warrants, which had previously allowed police officers to enter a…

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Elon Musk, Number #1 Boy

Elon Musk, Number #1 Boy

(Austin, TX) If you’ve been keeping up with the news this week, it seems as though all you hear is Elon Elon Elon Twitter Ukraine Climate Change is Almost Unavoidable Elon Tesla Stock Elon. But why is that the case? Why is Elon Musk suddenly the center of attention yet again? Some of you might be thinking that it is due to his attempt to purchase Twitter for close to $43 billion dollars, which is…

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Report: Big Vampire Lobbyists are the Reason Why We Still Observe Daylight Savings

Report: Big Vampire Lobbyists are the Reason Why We Still Observe Daylight Savings

(Somewhere in Pennsylvania) Twice, every year, people around the country are subjected to the strange quasi-holiday known as Daylight Savings. In these glorious moments, we come together as a society to turn our clocks backward in the Fall and forward in the Spring, creating a non-zero sum game. Yet, despite its historic roots in farming and capitalism, modern Americans are sick and tired of…

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Report: Middle Schooler Ruins Bible Study by Telling the Truth

Report: Middle Schooler Ruins Bible Study by Telling the Truth

Sources from within the small group at Waterdale Baptist Church have reported that this Sunday’s bible study was completely ruined by a local student admitting his sins and asking for prayers from his peers. “I come to church to hang out with my friends and play games, not look at myself introspectively and find bigger meaning in life,” reported one student. It seems as though everything had been…

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Area Man Forgets

There’s something I am supposed to remember today, but for some reason I just can’t. What could it be? I’ve been asking people as they pass me on the street, often scaring them slightly as I jog them out of their focus by directly questioning them ‘what do I need to remember today?’ But so far, no one has given me a good response and I am as confused as ever. What have I forgotten?As I try to…

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Scientist Develops 'Minority Report' Machine to Predict Which Bagels She Will Eat in the Future

Scientist Develops ‘Minority Report’ Machine to Predict Which Bagels She Will Eat in the Future

(Newark, NJ) Today, in a huge step for the world of time travel and predicting the future, one scientist has done the impossible and developed an incredible invention we want to tell you about. The scientist’s name is Uma Gomez and she has created a machine that resembles what you would see in the 2002 film Minority Report. Only, she’s not attempting to stop crime for the PreCrime division of her…

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Nation Spends Labor Day Checking Work Email

Nation Spends Labor Day Checking Work Email

Happy Labor Day, Reader. Since 1887, a day like this has recognized the worker in this country and all that we, the working class, do for everyone else. It’s on this day that we are given the day off as a sort of ‘good job’ for not taking time off the rest of the year. (Of course, we’re really only talking about corporate workers, since obviously we need to have retail and service industry…

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Opinion: Stop Believing in Democracy

Opinion: Stop Believing in Democracy

If you, like me, were raised in the United States of America, you were told that Democracy and Freedom should be held above all else. Yet, from the moment you were born, decisions were made for you and true freedom is more often than not simply a myth used to get you to buy a new car. And yet, if you ask someone on the street whether or not they believe in the democratic process and the rights of…

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How to Teach Your Children to See Flying For The Sin Against God That It Is

How to Teach Your Children to See Flying For The Sin Against God That It Is

Do you remember the first time you flew on an airplane? Reflect back on it now and then answer this question for me – did it feel natural to you or were you petrified with fear the entire time? Your answer likely depends on when you first flew. Personally, I flew for the first time when I was old enough to know better, around 7 or 8, and from that moment on my life has never known peace. It is…

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Report Finds That 93% of All International Business Travel is Done to Escape the 'It Follows' Entity

Report Finds That 93% of All International Business Travel is Done to Escape the ‘It Follows’ Entity

(Airport Lounge, Anywhere) Today, a new report published in Forbes Magazine has the business world on the defense as the article describes an elaborate world of business travel all predicated on the concept of forever being followed by some sort of entity out for your blood. For those familiar with the film It Follows, you will know exactly what we are talking about. For those who aren’t, we’ll…

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Poll: What Problem Should Elon Musk 'Solve' Next?

Poll: What Problem Should Elon Musk ‘Solve’ Next?

Over the last 10 years, there has been a handful of names associated with innovation and ‘pushing the world forward,’ but none as highly praised as that of Elon Musk. Between his various companies such as Tesla, SpaceX, The Boring Company, and now Neuralink, Musk has had his fingers in enough pies that most people believe he can do just about anything. Now, with the recent announcement that Tesla…

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Safety Instructor Assures Class That Guns Only Kill People That You Shoot

Safety Instructor Assures Class That Guns Only Kill People That You Shoot

(Liminal Cove, TN) It was a beautiful morning out on the range and the beginner’s were milling about, nervous for their first time behind the trigger. You could feel the tension in the air as the instructors prepared the weapons and passed out the proper safety equipment. After a brief demonstration, the beginner’s were given their own guns and asked to line up and demonstrate that they had paid…

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BREAKING: Texas Governor Greg Abbott Passes New Law That Makes Cussing Illegal

BREAKING: Texas Governor Greg Abbott Passes New Law That Makes Cussing Illegal

(Austin, TX) What the what? In a bizarre turn of events, Texas governor and Covid-19 enthusiast Greg Abbott has announced that after a productive legislation session, he will soon sign a law into place that makes cussing illegal in the state of Texas. “For too long, freedom-haters in this state have gotten away with using the Lord’s name in vain and other types of foul language. No longer will…

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Area Woman's Lifelong Dream is to Die on a Carnival Cruise Ship

Area Woman’s Lifelong Dream is to Die on a Carnival Cruise Ship

“As long as I can remember, I’ve always wanted to die at sea,” was how the impromptu interview began with lifestyle coach and avid ferret collector, Jill Rodriguez. “And when I first saw a commercial for Carnival Cruises, I knew that was the boat to do it on.” This was said to us completely unprompted while waiting in line at a Baskin Robbins with Jill standing in front of us. Thankfully, we had…

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Tucker Carlson to be Featured on MTV’s Revival of Hit Show 'Crabs'

Tucker Carlson to be Featured on MTV’s Revival of Hit Show ‘Crabs’

You heard it here, folks! That’s right, Tucker Carlson will be the guest of honor on My Tortured Vibes’s revival series, Crabs. In the aptly named reality show, ‘Crabs’ will follow Carlson through a newly minted circle of hell reserved especially for him. Inspired by the equally infernal series Cribs, popularized in the early 2000s, Carlson will unveil his house of horrors to enthusiastic…

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Opinion: Why I Think We Should Put on the Green Teotihuacan Mask to Save the World

Opinion: Why I Think We Should Put on the Green Teotihuacan Mask to Save the World

(Mexico City, Mexico) A few days ago, something incredible happen in Mexico that we need to discuss. At the base of the Sun pyramid in Teotihuacan, the ancient city located just north of Mexico City, a mask has been found. Specifically, a green mask made of serpentine that resembles a human face and likely dates over 1500 years old, if not older. Now, the last few years have been full of reports…

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Libertarian Man Believes in His Individual Freedom to be a Complete Dingus

Libertarian Man Believes in His Individual Freedom to be a Complete Dingus

(Omaha, NE) In today’s political climate, it can often feel like there are no right choices. Between people on the Left fighting for equal rights and affordable healthcare to people on the Right trying to overthrow the government, it can be hard to know where you fall and what to say in order not to piss everyone off. Today, we thought we would try something different and interview someone who…

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