Reflections on Beijing
My study abroad experience has been far from perfect, consisting of many ups, downs, and in-betweens. Often times when I read friends' blogs, they seem to convey a sense of absolute satisfaction and elation with their experience - they recount wonderful adventures exploring and meeting new friends, trying new foods, visiting beautiful spots and famous sites, discovering who they are, etc. While I've experienced all of these abroad, my time in Beijing hasn't really been a fairytale study abroad adventure - it's actually been more of an explorative opportunity for me to learn a lot more about myself as a person and as a Chinese and Korean American.
Perhaps unlike others' experiences in more Western-friendly and comfortable places, my time in China hasn't been a dizzying, ecstatic blend of adventuring/partying. For me, it's served much more as an exploration of my identity, an attempt to more deeply understand US-China relations and the business environment in China, and a true interest in trying to understand the local Chinese perspective more and apply it to my own life. I haven't been able to reach strongly definitive answers, but all of my experiences in China are rich ones that I'll keep with me forever.
The ups of these four months in Beijing include: living and navigating in a completely foreign city on my own and going from culture-shell-shocked to living comfortably, exploring the numerous unique cultural landmarks, places, and quirky characteristics that a bustling, rising city like Beijing (and Suzhou, Hangzhou, and Shanghai) has to offer, fun nights out exploring new eateries/clubs/bars in Beijing, gaining international work experience and a broad understanding of the issues affecting American businesses in China and the US-China trade relationship, immersing myself in the different academic and social environment of a top Chinese university and observing Chinese college students' study and living habits, getting cheap massages - no wait, cheap EVERYTHING, forging valuable friendships with local Chinese students, exchange students and coworkers from around the globe, but perhaps most importantly, getting to visit my Chinese relatives in Changsha and Yueyang (in Hunan Province) for the first time and more deeply exploring and discovering what it means to be Asian American while in China.
There have also been not-so-positive shades of my time here in China, which include moments of severe culture shock, identity crisis as a multi- generation Asian American, a bout of food poisoning (to be expected), less than ideal weather (hello Beijing pollution), a two-week cough/cold, frustrating agent/landlord/apartment issues, countless instances of feeling lost in translation, dealing with classmates that flake and just don't want to do work, missing home, LA, my family, friends and my boyfriend, just wanting to hear English for a change, and having to deal with the constant uncertainty of whether there is a clean bathroom anywhere nearby (trust me, this can be quite traumatizing).
I'm not sure I've ever felt complete "balance" during my time here in Beijing, but actually, my time in China really came full circle when I finally met my family in Changsha. I was welcomed with open arms, stuffed to the brim with food, and showered with love that can only come from family members that accept you with complete understanding, no matter your Chinese speaking level ability or familiarity with the place that you're in. I think this is what I was missing - people that wouldn't judge me for my lack of fluency in Mandarin, and a sense of feeling taken care of. After those five days spent with them, I finally began to feel at peace with my experience in China. While there are moments where I've felt completely relaxed and at peace walking around Beijing, and others where I've wanted to curl into a ball and hide, I realize now that my time in China would not be the same without all of these aspects - both positive or negative - that add color to my experience here.
What my time here has ultimately taught me is that hey - it's okay to not be fluent in Chinese and to not completely understand what the Chinese are thinking. How could I, having spent my entire life in the US? No matter how much you read or learn about China, nothing compares to living in the country itself and experiencing everyday life here. What's important is that I continue to make a constant effort to get better at speaking Chinese and understand more about China to bridge the gap, and as long as I keep learning and keeping my mind wide open even when I return from China, that's all that truly matters.