RUN

And there she was, escaping reality yet again, choosing to chase fiction even though she knew it was all temporary.

[taylorswift]

In my Eras era. 💅

[liz-cat-meow-deactivated2020011]

friendly reminder that i have a big heart and i am trying my best

[escapingthisrealityy]

Im turning 28 today.

My face looks like it belongs to someone who’s gone through hell and back. But they say, it doesn’t show, yet when you look closely, you can see scars splattered all over my face. From my forehead down to my chin. To be honest, my whole body is covered with them. Scars full of stories that make me cringe yet also make me appreciate everything I’ve been through in life.

I’m turning 28 today.

28 and I still feel lost, useless. If you’ll ask the 18 year old me, I’d tell you that by now, I would already be successful, yet in reality, I’m still me, just with much more responsibilities and bills behind my back.

Sometimes, all I want to do is curl up in a ball and ignore everything in life. Yet, the people I care about, they’re the ones stopping me from falling deep into the abyss depression. They keep me sane.

There’s a lot of things that I feel is wrong with my life, but they are countless blessings too, and for that, I am beyond grateful.

I am turning 28 today.

I don’t know what tomorrow brings.

I’m pretty sure it’ll still be a mixture of happiness, sadness, frustrations, disappointments and heartaches, but it’s fine. It’s how it’s supposed to be.

I know I’ll be fine. I just know it.

Happy Birthday, self. You did well.

[escapingthisrealityy]

I almost lost her. I was going to lose her already. Damn it. It’s my fault. Everything is my fault. I’m sorry, I’m very sorry.

[escapingthisrealityy]

No matter what you say, no matter what you believe, I will stick to my answer. You were never that thing you think you are to me.

You are so precious that I hate myself for even making you think and feel that way. I boast of me being aware of your feelings yet I never was able to catch up on this one.

I hate myself for this.

Seeing the woman I love and adore with all my heart think and feel this way. I hate myself for this.

Yet instead of dwelling, I will move forward. I promised to be the best, and I will be. I will turn things around.

I will be better. Forgive me, love. But I promise, I will make it up to you.

[escapingthisrealityy]

Your hand is the only thing keeping me away from completely crashing, yet, I feel it slipping from my fingers little by little. I try to reach for it, to grasp it once again, but I couldn’t. And all I can do is watch, while my world comes crashing down around me.

[escapingthisrealityy]

And in that moment, I realized, I am, without a doubt, completely in love with her.

[heavyrain-dc]

“Whatever is worrying you right now, forget about it. Take a deep breath, stay positive and know that things will get better.”

— Unknown

[escapingthisrealityy]

I felt a wave of jealousy and sadness at the same time. Jealousy because she noticed how your eyes sparkle when you’re happy. Jealousy because she knows how much you overthink during the wee hours of the morning. Jealousy because she knows you skip meals and you get sick from doing so. Jealousy because she cares for you as much as I do. And sadness— sadness because I felt how she’s accepted that this time around, she has truly lost the fight.

Am I weird for being sad over my rival’s loss? I have no idea. All I know is that she’s a good person and she cares about the woman I love, so for that, I am grateful.

But it doesn’t mean I’ll let her win, ever.

That sparkle you see? I’ll make sure I’m always the cause of that. Her overthinking during the wee hours of the morning? I’ll make sure to be with her and reassure her over and over again that it’s alright, that it’ll be fine. Her habit of skipping meals and getting sick because of it? I’ll make sure I’ll end that somehow.

I’ll be everything she needs, and I thank you for putting that mentality in my head— “She deserves the best. I am the best.”

I’m sorry for breaking your heart, but, I’m not sorry for loving and staying with her. I promise to take care of her more than you think you could. I’ll be the best for her. I’ll make her happy, I’ll treat her like the Queen she is. I’ll love her and put her first, always. You can count on that :)

[escapingthisrealityy]

City lights and skyscrapers, who would’ve thought I’d come back to this view? A few years ago, I was happy staring at the trees, listening to the birds chirping, and now, all I can hear is the constant buzz of the air conditioner and the horns of the cars on the road floors below. I’m back at the city. I’m back at finding my way through this maze called life, yet, I am not alone. I have people with me, always there to support me, and I am happy and grateful for this. I know it’s not going to be easy, it’s going to be one hell of a journey once again, but I know I can do it. I must do it. For myself. For my family. For my future. For her.

[escapingthisrealityy]

Lately, things have changed, and it wasn’t gradual. It was immediate and tiring and terrifying. Yet, sitting on my bedroom floor, staring at the cars passing by floors below, I can’t help but feel at peace. Finally, I am moving out of my comfort zone, finally, I am closer to where I want to be. There are still so many things I’ve yet to sort out, but for now, I am at peace and I can’t wait to see what’s in store for me in the coming weeks.

[escapingthisrealityy]

“I thought about it. But I didn’t.”

But you still thought about it and once again, the Universe slapped me hard in the face for this. Just because you said those words doesn’t mean that I ought to be complacent, because I shouldn’t. You see, every time I do something wrong, the chances of me losing you increases tenfold. And it sucks. I have to remind myself that nothing’s set in stone. That things can change, that I must work every single day to keep what I think, pray and hope is mine. The motion has been set, I’m going full throttle. It’s exhilarating, I hope I don’t end up hurting myself with this one.

[escapingthisrealityy]

Every time I go all in, the world slaps me back into reality and tells me that I’m the only one on this boat. She seems so unsure, like I’m the only one who’s sure. And it seems like, even if we haven’t even tried, she’s already giving up on what we have because of the tight schedules in the next weeks. I do understand the demands of her work, no issue on that one, but I did hope that before giving up, she’d try with me first. And then she says things as well that makes my heart break into tiny little pieces— things that really encompass what’s in her head, how and what she thinks about me— about us. It’s sad, but it’s okay. I understand. Maybe I let myself be too attached. Maybe I shouldn’t have given my entire heart in this very early, wobbly and unsure stage. But goddamn, no matter how much I say these maybe’s, I still will do it over and over again— I’d still give her my heart over and over again, no matter how unsure she is, no matter how alone I’ll be on this boat. I think I love her too much.

[escapingthisrealityy]

She’s crying. She’s hurting. She’s overwhelmed. And here I am, at a loss, useless, no idea what to fucking do to make her feel better. I keep saying I’ll take care of her yet almost all the darned time, I am the trigger for all her tears. I hate myself. This woman — this strong, independent, amazing woman, has sacrificed so much of her precious time and health to be able to accommodate me, yet, here I am, at a fucking loss on what to do. I want to go to her, to hug her and tell her it’s going to be okay. But I can’t because she hates those things. I understand. Yet, it doesn’t stop me from pulling my hair out in frustration because the woman I love, the woman who the Universe keeps on taking away from me, is feeling like the whole world is gaining in on her, like it’s dumping all its hatred on her. And I hate it. I hate the fact that she’s suffering, that she’s sad and stressed. If I could only take all those away and be the one to carry those things, I would, just so that she’ll always have that smile on her face.

[escapingthisrealityy]

Oh well, this world just wouldn’t let me be happy. It’s like every time I feel happy, it swoops right in and drops a bomb that instantly makes my knees buckle and my heart break into tiny little pieces. I know it’s something inevitable yet I had hoped that it wouldn’t come to this. My heart aches just by thinking about it. It makes me want to cry. God damn, I am crying. I shouldn’t have let myself be attached like this. I shouldn’t have let myself fall in love like this. But what to do? The woman’s awesome and the epitome of every fucking thing I want in my life. My soul yearns for her. My body craves her. Yet, it seems like it’s just the wrong time for everything? I don’t know. I understand. I understand it so much that I hate myself for understanding it so much. God damn. It doesn’t mean I like it. It doesn’t mean I won’t be sad about it. It doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t beg for her to stay and try to make it work, because I am pretty darned sure I will. Pathetic? Borderline. But que sera sera, right? Whatever will be, will be. The Universe fucks everything up anyway, so meh. Okay. I wonder if my heart will start breaking this week too?

[escapingthisrealityy]

“Home”

I don’t think there’s another word to describe who she is in my life but “HOME”. Every smile, every kiss, every touch, I can feel my soul be at ease. It’s something I have never felt before. It’s not something I thought I’d experience in this lifetime. I’ve been so battered and bruised that I honestly thought I’d never find happiness in this life ever again. Yet here she is, in front of me, smiling and being happy and I couldn’t help but think “Goddamn, how’d I become so lucky?”

Love, you make me so happy. You make me wake up with a smile. You make every single day bearable.

I’m naturally grumpy yet whenever I think about her, my mouth just curves into a smile. She’s my home. My love, yes, I am in love. My happiness. Road’s going to be so long, but I know that I’d travel through it over and over again if it means traveling with her or even reaching her side of the world.

I thank her for coming into my life. She’s worth it. Always. 💗

[escapingthisrealityy]

Without me realizing, I’ve been hurting her way too much over the last couple weeks, probably months. It’s saddens me a lot as I’ve always told her that her happiness is what I value most, yet here I am, making her uncomfortable, angry, worse, I made her cry. You see, this girl’s different. I like her. My soul likes her. My whole being likes her. Yet, I keep doing things that will definitely break what we have right now. She told me that I shouldn’t beat myself up for it, but how can I do that when all I can think about is that if I don’t fix those things, I’d probably lose one of the most important person in my life? And I don’t want that. I want her. I’m tired of playing and heartaches, I want the next to be the last— her, hopefully. Because seriously? I want the real deal and I’m sure as hell I’ll get to experience that with her. So, I need to fix myself. I MUST.