I donât think you realize how much you hurt me. Itâs easy for me to tell you that you hurt me bad, because itâs just a word. You donât realize what you did to me. This is what you did to me.
When you left me. Over text. As if we were 12 and in middle school. You didnât even have to the balls to call me or, do it in person. No you just didnât care enough to look me in the eyes. Itâs embarrassing for me to say, because it makes me seem so weak and so dependent, but I wanted to die. I was ready to take my life, I was taking a bath when you ended it. I got out and put a rob on. I layed on my bed and called my friend telling her I canât do this anymore. She called my mother and told her she needed to get home because sheâs worried iâm going to do something. My mom rushed home, went upstairs to find me on my bed diagonally looking out the window, not moving. She ran up to me thinking I was dead. When she realized I wasnât dead, just dead on the inside, I cried on her lap. Scratch cried, I balled. She texted you, asking if you could just see me. You told her no. I have work. That night a friend came over. I pretend to be okay. Laughed it off. Hoping. Believing you would come back to me.
The next week I ate practically nothing. I wasnât trying to starve myself. I was just too sad to eat. I spent every night, rereading the texts you would send me. The most painful ones were the paragraphs you sent me two days before you left me about how much you loved me. Those still burn to this day. While I was in my bed crying, I would see you out partying. Hanging out with girls.
Two weeks later I find out you had sex with one of my friends. And even though we were broken up, it felt like you cheated on me. How could you fuck someone, while I couldnât even think about kissing another guy. I felt so worthless. And I used to never let a boy make me feel this way. I used to be so confident and independent. And you made me feel like the most worthless human. Because if you could do that after what we had, then I was worthless to you, and if you could think of me as worthless, and I used to amaze you, I really did believe I was worthless.
You spent the next 9 months using me. You would facetime me here and there. Give me false hopes. Say things like âI regret what I didâ and âgod I really do miss usâ and then I wouldnât even get a text for two weeks. Until you would here and there come over. Make everything feel like we were back to normal, have sex with me, as soon as you put your clothes back on. You would slap my ass and say âhave a goodnightâ and I wouldnât hear from you again. And you did that over and over and over and over and over and over again, so many times I lost track. And youâre a guy, you donât understand how it feels. But you made me feel so god damn pathetic. I would wake up the next morning, look in the mirror and the sight of me would make me cry. I would cry because I felt so weak to just let you do that to me again. Why couldnât I have just learned from the last time? What the hell is wrong with me? If any other guy did that to me, I would have no problem never speaking to them again. But with you? I wasnât even mad at you, I was mad at myself. I never hated you. I just gave you excuses. Oh heâs just stressed. Oh heâs just trying to figure out what he wants. Oh heâs just confused. And god how I really believed it. I could not get it through my head that you just werenât the same person I used to love. I was just a god damn toy. When my friends would tell me to just block you. I would tell them âI would rather be just wanted for sex, because itâs better then him not wanting anything to do with me at allâ and that is so fucking sad.
9 months of that. 9 months of you using me, of me crying on the floor of the shower praying to god to give me strength to let you go, of me watching you be happy without me, of my friends hearing the god damn same story. And even though I shouldâve hated you. All I wanted was you back.
And I got you back. I did. Weâre back together now. I have found out you have had sex with 6 other girls while we broke up. And I know thatâs normal for guys. But it was so hurtful because while I was balling over you, you were out fucking other girls. I became aware of how wrong I was. I honestly thought that you were still hurt. I thought that you couldnât stop thinking about me either. I thought that you couldnât find anyone else like me like I couldnât find anyone else like you. And now I know it wasnât like that. As much as itâs nicer to think that while I was crying over you, you were crying over me too. But truth is you were getting high every night and fucking girls.
And sometimes I just look at you. While weâre laying down, the sun from the window glaring in between us, our faces 3 inches away. And I just look at you. I look at you and think how the fuck could you. I always said feelings blind you from reality. I couldnât see the reality when you hurt me because I was so caught up in emotions, but now that iâm over what you did, I see things clearly. And now I know how much you didnât care, and how much I did. And it fucking hurts. I feel so bad for the girl I was a year ago. And now iâm back with the man who fucking destroyed me. And iâm not even happy with you. Itâs draining being with you. I have to fake a smile and laugh in fear of you leaving me like you did last time. And I know I should just leave you. Youâll joke and say I know you hate me. And god I do. I hate you for what you did to me. I know I told you long ago I could never hate you. But I hate what you did to me. I couldnât see it then, but I see it now.
But I canât fucking leave you. I am so scared of hurting the way I did last time. And after going through that, I know the pain of staying with you isnât half the pain of being without you. So I stay. And continue to act okay. Like I have forgotten what you have done.
But I havenât. I am reminded of it every single fucking day. And when the day comes. The day I canât do it anymore. Every day itâs more and more draining. And when iâm finally fed up. I will fucking destroy you. I know you will hurt, I am the perfect girlfriend to you now. You will have no bad memories to cling to when I break your heart. I will leave you the same way you left me. I will do it over text. When you call me begging for me back, I will only say âiâm sorryâ and hang up. You will see me partying, you will hear about me having sex with someone else. Iâll facetime you here and there, I will say things like âI regret what I didâ or â I really miss usâ. And then you wonât hear from me until one night iâm horny. I will come over and make everything feel the way it used to. I will have sex with you. And when I put my clothes back on, I will kiss you and say â have a goodnightâ and you wonât hear from me after. I will do that over and over and over and over and over again.
But I wonât come back to you. I will fucking destroy you. The same way you destroyed me.
I guess you can call it karma.
discoholicmusic
jbbartram-illu
origamiaround
turnnoffyourmind
baratheonpilled
kaledo-art
ellievsbear
blakekathryn
titsay
areudirty
romaincrisis
