Thatās the first line I wrote in a now-hidden tumblr post about wanting a man to be mean to me in the bedroom. Twenty-two-year-old me wanted a no-nonsense dom whoĀ wouldnāt hesitateĀ to slap her around if she didnāt listen. I wanted sternness and hair-pulling, spanks and nipple-twisting, threats of the belt. I wanted to be afraidāafraid in the way that makes your breath catch and your thighs feel like liquid.Ā
Five years later, I still want those things. The only difference is that Iām actually starting to get them.
BB and I are doing the D/s thing for the first time, and for a while there was a push-and-pull with the power exchange. Sometimes I bent the rules, or tried to. Sometimes he struggled with telling me no, or didnāt discipline me when he should have.Ā Even though Iām naturally submissive, giving up control in certain areas was hard. And BB had to learn how to put his foot down even if it upset me, to hurt me in ways that were safe and exciting, and to trust that I would tell him if he crossed a line.Ā
Now, BB is closer toĀ āmeanā than heās ever been.
The other night he had me on my knees with my nipples clamped while I sucked his cock. His hand was tight in my hair.Ā
āRub your pussy,ā he ordered.Ā
I obeyed, moaning around a mouthful of him. It felt nice to rub myself while sucking his cock, but I was overwhelmed by sensationsāthe pulling of my hair, the painful clamps, the dull ache of gagging on cock.Ā Rubbing my clit felt like extra work.
Stupidly, I let my hand drop.
He yanked my head back from his cock and slapped me, fist still tight in my hair.Ā āI said, put your hand on your pussy.ā I had about a second to apologize before he was fucking my face again.Ā
A minute later, my hand dropped again. I think I had lowered it to steady myself on the floor but then never brought it back to my clit.
He pulled my head back and slapped me.Ā āWhat did I just say?ā His voice was stern and he pointed a finger at me.Ā He slapped me a second time.
āWhat. Did. I. Just. Say?ā Another slap.
āPut my hand on the pussy,ā I said weakly.
Slap.Ā āWhat was that?ā
āHand on my pussy, sir.ā
āThen why the fuck isnāt your hand on your pussy?ā Slap.
My insides felt hot. I was aroused and ashamed and so, so turned on.
āIām sorry,ā I whimpered.
āDo you want these clamps off?ā
āNot yet. Put that fucking hand back on your pussy.ā
I obeyed and took the face-fucking through a haze of glorious sub-brain.
Once he was done using me, he took the clamps off and IĀ nearlyĀ sobbed from the pain. Then he had me on all fours and fingered me until I did. Afterwards, he put me in my robe and we cuddled on the couch and watched TV.
But reader, I could not stop thinking about the hand-on-my-pussy scenario. Heād never sworn at me before, had never responded to disobedience so swiftly. I even dreamtĀ about it that night! Out of all the kinky things weād done, it was so simple but it felt profound. It was a moment that felt plucked right out of my fantasies.
It made me think about how it really is the simple things that hit me squarely in what I can only describe as the G-spot of my libido. Iām a girl whose #1 fetish is corporal punishment/spanking. It was the first thing that ever hinted at a submissive sexuality long before I knew what D/s was. Itās no wonder that I get a crazy rush from being scolded/disciplined/spanked. Still, sometimes I am blown away by the impact it has on meāespecially when Iām not expecting it. Itās not just physical arousal i feel in those moments. Itās love and intimacy and closeness and attraction.
In a way, his being āmeanā is really the kindest thing he can do for me.
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