I’ve never publicly identified myself as anorexic…even on Quora. I toyed with the idea of answering this question anonymously, but I’ve changed my mind. Ever since I was diagnosed about two years ago, I’ve hidden my illness to the point of insanity. I lose weight very easily…. Anorexia is like a permanent glass cell; it impacts my every decision and activity. I’m constantly thinking about my weight and which meal is next. I’ve always been skinny. When I was younger I was just naturally thin. I could eat whatever and however much of anything I wanted, without gaining any weight. Being thin wasn’t even on my radar screen, it was completely natural. But when I turned 22, my metabolism changed completely. The change was almost imperceivable. I gained weight very gradually, but when I went to get my license remade, I suddenly saw a very different version of myself. Holding my old and new license up next to one another was like a lightning bolt. Suddenly, I could see reality clearly. I was fat. It was a shock…I’d never been fat before. The change was hard to take. After that moment at the DMV, every day was a horrifying new nightmare. Every mirror I looked into, every pair of pants that just barely fit anymore, every floorboard that creaked, and every crowded hallway…subconsciously, I could feel every fat roll and imperfection on my body. The solution was simple. Food had gotten me into this situation, and food would get me back out. Meals became so tedious. I cut out dairy first, and then I stretched my diet to cut out regular sodas. Fried foods became my next target, then starchy foods, and after that I removed sweets. But I wasn’t loosing weight fast enough. I could see the results, and I wanted more. After doing some research, I decided that counting calories would be easier and more effective than simply cutting out certain food groups. I dove in headfirst, picking an average calorie intake of 800 calories (always intending to go up in calories once I reached my target weight). I started to see results…and fast. As my weight decreased every meal became harder to eat, and every calorie was harder to record. After a few weeks of my new diet, I added in another critical component, exercise. I began taking bike rides after meals to burn off some of what I ate. I did crunches, and lunges, and sit ups and push ups while I studied. I ran in place, I bounced on my toes, I started feeling guilty if I was still for too long. No one asked any questions so I didn’t provide any answers. I’m sure some people noticed my new behavior, but no one seemed excessively interested. I continued with my dieting and exercising, and one day I was finally rewarded with my target weight glowing on my scale. I had done it! The hard work paid off and I was finally free…or at least that’s what I had always pictured. But the control I now had over my body was deceiving. Once I reached my target weight I was unable to stop. The rush was just too inviting. Every pound lost felt like a touchdown, and I had trained too long to give up right before the Super Bowl. I started exercising harder, pushing myself further and further. I was proud of my accomplishments. I heard the chatter of others, of course, I’m not blind or deaf. People whispered that I was too thin, too….skeletal. I was secretly proud of that word. If I was skeletal, there was no way I could be fat…right? So why was I still seeing the fat in the mirror? It didn’t matter how much weight I lost, I still felt fat. I wish I could wrap up my whole story into a nice little bow, provide all the facts and sentiments needed for closure, and we could all be on our nice little happy ways, but that wouldn’t be realistic. This isn’t a Hollywood film that can be dismissed or denied. I had 552 calories today, and just finished my workout. I’m underweight, and I’m beginning to notice changes. My performance is suffering at work and school. I’m tired all the time now, I’m losing circulation in the tips of my toes and fingers, and my bones seem to creak in the cold or in the rain. The truth is that I don’t know the end of this story, and I can’t pick the right words to clarify my thoughts. I’ll leave this unfinished, and maybe someday I’ll come back to this little corner of Quora, and I’ll bring along some words and maybe a little closure as well. Until then, I hope my answer has been informative.
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