So, I was going to post in my old Wordpress again, but I saw that there are a lot of AU people active on it, so in my self-consciousness I stopped myself.
David came last night and it was weird...We attended the white coat ceremony and maybe because it’s post-PUC campmeeting, but there were a lot of people wanting to talk to him and to hang out with him...that it made me want to leave. I see how people see him now--the real-life prodigal son. Those sermons you hear of how God can do a total 180 on your life, that’s him in the flesh. But I get so turned off...I think, “You guys are the ones that outcasted him when he did questionable things...you guys are the ones that could not understand why he did the things he did and judged him for it...He was the one that you guys looked to to make you feel better about yourself”, and now that he comes back with bible verses and EGW quotes, he’s idolized.
It turns me off, because at the end of the day, what I see in the church is awe when someone is “spiritual”. The most respected are those that can go beyond and not only quote the text, but the book and verse it comes from, the ones that lead out the bible studies, the super nice people that you know have that “air” of Jesus with them. And I mean, I know the catch-22 of my thoughts because it’s nice to have role models, people to look up to, but what about everyone else in the church that is trying...By placing people on pedestals, you unconsciously create divisions, and with divisions, you create comparison, and with comparison, discouragement...
I have a problem where I have this obsessive compulsion in running away when I’m uncomfortable, and yesterday, I felt the discomfort of being part of a church again (I would pawn this off as being a “Korean-Adventist problem, but let’s be real, it’s not). It’s hard...it’s hard because I feel different. To be completely honest, it’s hard because the God that I know isn’t who I see when I hear testimonies or in most sermons...and I think that maybe the problem is me......Maybe my view of God is skewed...because right now, when I hear about people telling me how God changed their lives and what not, I can’t relate, and I get frustrated and I just block it out. Because right now, God isn’t someone that makes everything just beautiful and magically happy and pretty, someone that just makes good things happen to you, God was never that person to me. It’s always been a fight to choose to believe that He cares, and that present sufferings are temporary, and that despite everything, it’ll all be worth it in the end (a kind or girt-your-teeth, and being hopeful when the clouds are thundering and the pain is real).
Okay, I’m done. This got dark really fast...I just need time...
I need to just shut everything out and get it together. Yea...just get it together.
amandla
vaporwave
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