my patronus is probably a frog

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[dictionaryofobscuresorrows]

The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows—the book. 12 years in the making. 300 pages, 70% new definitions, including longer video-like essays, otherworldly illustrations, and some thoughts on language and the meaning of life.

Pre-order your copy here (click any of the links on the right side of the page): https://www.simonandschuster.com/books/The-Dictionary-of-Obscure-Sorrows/John-Koenig/9781501153648

Coming November 16, 2021 from Simon & Schuster. 

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Remus: my trauma made me mature

Sirius: my trauma made me funny

James: my trauma made me...I dont know what my trauma made me

Remus: your trauma just made you sad

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Draco Malfoy after getting his license

Draco: get out of the way, you bitch!

Draco: sorry, I almost said a bad word.

Harry:

Draco: I almost called her a fucking cunt.

Harry:

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*thunder rumbles in the distance*

Remus: oh, that is the SEXIEST thing i have ever heard

Sirius:

Sirius: explain?

Remus: *panics* uh, i'm—i'm sexually attracted to thunder

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Remus: *walks into the common room*

James and Sirius: *loudly reading faerie smut*

Remus: *leaves the common room*

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The marauders as things my housemates and I have said

Sirius: If there are two things that I love, its terrorist attacks against the British and potatoes

Peter: all of you need to go to horny jail

Remus: I don’t need horny jail because I’m on antidepressants

Remus: *beating raw chicken with a mallet*

James and Sirius, in unison: 👏🏻BEAT👏🏻THAT👏🏻MEAT👏🏻BEAT👏🏻THAT👏🏻MEAT👏🏻

Bonus:

Regulus: If I had to choose one of the TERF-queen’s houses to be in, it’d be Slytherin

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sirius: i cant wait to go to hogsmeade and get butterbeer. honestly? the best thing ive ever put in my mouth.

remus: excuse me?

sirius: well, maybe second best

remus: thats better

sirius, whispering to james: its definitely the first

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*on remus's 21st birthday*

James: so, remus, do you feel fundamentally different now that you're 21 years old?

Sirius: like an alcoholic, perhaps?

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Sirius: *gushing about how talented and wonderful Remus is*

Remus: yeah some people don't deserve to live, I agree

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Regulus: *says hi to someone in the hallway*

Lily: *gesturing* see?? You do have friends!!

Regulus:

Sirius:

Regulus: that's my brother

Lily: oh

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Marauders Spice:

Sporty spice: James

Baby spice: Peter

Posh spice: Sirius

Scary spice: Remus

bonus:

Ginger spice: Lily

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remus: aw, look at these stickers, they're for the bottoms of your shoes, and they say "she's mine"

sirius: nuh uh, bro. if it ain't a "he's me's" kind of relationship, then I don't want it.

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james: does anyone want some of my circumsized cucumber?

sirius: oh, i do! i love circumsized cucumber!

remus: please just say 'peeled.' please.

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Wolfstar as things my friends have commented on my fanfiction

Remus: I am UPSET but it's fine

Sirius: REMUS NO YOU'RE A PERFECT LITTLE CINNAMON ROLL AND WE'RE HAPPY YOU'RE HERE

Remus: Yeah, that's right, kiss the ever-loving SHIT out of me, buddy

Sirius: We get it, you’re horny for hands 

Remus: STOP CALLING ME OUT LIKE THIS

Sirius: rubber up for narcissa

Sirius: *hands on hips* gay stance

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Remus, during a zoom meeting: yeah, it was really interesting to hear that perspective on—

James, kicking the door open: WHAT UP, PEASANTS?

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Harry: if it starts raining chocolate milk in the dining room, do not be Alarmed

Draco: what

Harry: i said do not be Alarmed

Draco: too late, i'm alarmed.

[sugarglider-s]

Kinda gay to make a wanted poster... why do you want that man? So you can hold him?