back after over 8 months of not checking tumblr nor posting any updates, tho lbr, i stopped being interested in tumblr long before that
but who’s to stay i can’t come back right
posting an update not because i’m deluded enough to think that anyone cares, but mainly because i like keeping these updates for myself. it’s good to read back on them few years later to see how much (or little) has changed
a lot has changed since my last update though (or has it)
funny!!!!!! a girl who honestly doesn’t believe in love and has antisocial tendencies and difficulty forming relationships with others thanks to said antisocial tendencies
and grew up with parents who had the most trainwreck of marriages, with a dad who’s abusive and a mom who continues to return to said abusive husband
and after much difficulty, started really liking this boy
to the point that he makes me so happy and we see a future together? and i can tell for certain that he loves me too
which is so SO weird to think about!!! really!!!!
all my life i’ve been so cynical thinking boys suck and love never lasts and people fall out of love all the time and get sick of each other
but i’ve met a boy?? who loves me??
but how do i know for sure that he loves me?? heck if i know!!!! hahahahhHAHAHHAHHA
and i can see it in all of his actions?
he listens to me talking endlessly and i knOW he pays attention because he’ll refer back to the little things i say in my long rants from weeks ago
he listens to my troubles and holds me when i’m sad
he calls me cute like alllll the time. and says i’m so cute he can’t stand it
he cares about me more than i care about me tbh. i don’t care about me or my future much but he does and he’ll go the extra mile just to make sure i’m taken care of
he knows i’m clingy and puts up with me being overly-affectionate and returns my affections even when i know he’s tired and it’s late and he needs to go back home
we fight sometimes and though i always have the urge to walk away in the middle of our fights, he’ll make sure that i stay and that we make up before we say goodbye
he says he has trouble communicating his thoughts and once teared up because i misunderstood what he wanted to say and i got frustrated with him. during the brief week that we broke up, he actually broke down in tears while praying.
which is actually amazing. because a few months prior, i asked my guy friends how a girl can tell if the guy she’s dating really cares for her. they agreed that if a guy is willing to cry for you, that’s the real deal.
so yeah!!! these are all the things, little things. that make me realize that maybe he does love me? and maybe i love him back? crazy!!!!
which is mindblowing considering the fact that we’re both religious and initially planned on only having intercourse after marriage
but the horniness won, i guess? and i was the one who wanted to it. he told me no, but gave in in the end. i was really wet and he was hard. he’s always hard around me, he says. he calls it a love boner; an affection erection. meaning he’s not necessarily horny - he just loves me a lot and his penis feels it too.
and we had sex twice so far. he pulls out every time so no pregancy scare there.
i don’t know how i feel about it. a part of me was glad that i finally found out how it feels to have a penis inside you (it feels great)
while the other part felt guilty. whether that guilt comes from a reasonable or unreasonable place, i don’t really know.
he’s still with me in spite of already banging me so yay!!!! take that, horrible people who shame women for having sex and claiming that men only want women for sex and will leave women after having done the deed.
it’s weird how i renewed my intentions to follow my faith in early 2016, but two years later, am having sex.
my heart’s in two places now i guess. i still believe in God and follow my faith. yet i want to have the freedom to feel love and be loved. in a physical sense.
anyway, that’s my love life folks!! am 22 this year and finally experiencing love. a year ago i was still pining over my secondary school crush and wondering if i’d ever have a boyfriend.
a part of me still wonders when he’ll leave me. because that’s inevitable, right? everyone leaves you in the end. love is never forever, nor will it ever remain the same. maybe when we get married he’ll turn abusive like my dad. maybe he’ll love another woman, like my dad. maybe he’ll just stop loving me.
i pray that if this happens, i’ll have the strength to walk away and leave, for the better. that’s also why i’m holding on to my faith. because people change and people will let you down. but God won’t.
jbbartram-illu
yousharknotpass
areudirty
pixelskylines
vaporwave
