**well this turned out to be a fucking novel, sorry**
Hey. It's been awhile.
Life is just about the same as it's always been. Still working my ass off for what seems like nothing. Still trying to finish my fucking degree.
But I started dating someone I never would've expected to be with. And he's been nothing but sweet and fantastic to me. If I could've built an ideal man from scratch he would be pretty fucking close.
But of course, me being me and having experienced some of the shittiest relationships you could've possibly experienced and coming out of them with huge trust issues and walls a mile high, I find myself doubting things.
You see, there was the long lived high school romance that soured because of lack of maturity and openness and both of our mental health problems. There was the brief flame that absolutely destroyed me with the abrupt ending with zero closure that started my trust issues. There was the 2.5 year cesspool of a relationship with a toxic, gaslighting, abusive, manipulative, cheating asshole that further wrecked my trust and destroyed my self worth and self esteem. And then boy oh boy. The creme de la creme. The big one. The guy who absolutely crushed any hope of a decent relationship. Almost two years of constant manipulation. Being dragged on with love bombing, trauma bonding, threats, you name it. I was cheated on constantly, played with emotionally 24/7, had my life threatened along with my family and friends, was physically assaulted and so much more.
So yeah. This man isn't anything like anyone I've dated before. He has his shit together. He treats me so very good. I love him, I do. But I'm terrified. I'm so so afraid that this is yet another game. That I'm being love bombed yet again. That this is a mask that will stay intact for a few months and then it'll all drop and he'll be just another sweet talking monster. Because this relationship has echoes of my relationship with Ryan. The flashy dates, the seemingly goofy and light hearted fun. It's exactly how Ryan and I's relationship started and it was so great in the beginning and I thought it was going to last forever. But he completely changed after about six months. And I can't do that again. I know I just can't go through a relationship like that again. It would completely destroy me. And I know I can't keep comparing this relationship to my past relationships because that isn't fair. It helps some that my best friends know this guy and can vouch for him but it is different being friends with someone and dating someone. People are different behind closed doors. There are moments where I know I'm being paranoid and unreasonable and I'm trying to work on it but it's so fucking hard. Like when he likes another girls picture when I know she was pursuing him at some point. Or when he doesn't message me back for hours when he's normally pretty quick with getting back to me. My mind automatically goes to 'he's cheating ' because that's all I know. And then I'm on the verge of a panic attack and there's a huge weight in my chest. I can't breathe. My heart feels like it's being ripped in two. And I can't talk to my best friend about it like I normally would because I don't want to potentially ruin her friendship with him or strain our friendship by putting her in the middle. So I just silently drown.
I know I need to actually talk to someone and work through my trauma but my insurance doesn't kick in until next month. And even then, I probably can't afford it.
I just don't know what to do. I'm scared I'm too damaged to try to have a healthy relationship. I'm scared that if this guy is truly a genuine guy and would be the same wonderful guy forever I'll just ruin it because of my trauma that I haven't completely healed from. I do want a happy healthy relationship. I want that more than anything. I just don't know if I actually know how to function in that time of environment. I don't know if right now I know how to be anything but distrusting and withdrawn. Things are different when I'm actually physically with him and all that doubt fades away but when we're apart I start to spiral sometimes. And that isn't healthy. I'm scared to talk to him about all this too even though communication has been open between us and he's been patient and kind when I've voiced my concerns before. I just worry he'll realize just how broken I am and give up on me too.
🙃🙃