The persistent ringing of his doorbell cuts through the silence in his flat. It’s dark in his bedroom. When had it gotten dark? Eliott shifts to his side.
He knows it’s his mother. Lucille probably called her. Told her the things she told him. “This is exactly like last time, Eliott.” and “You don’t really feel that way, Eliott.”
It hurts to remember her say it. He closes his eyes in an attempt to shut the memories out. She’s wrong. He knows she’s wrong. This isn’t like last time. This isn’t just some infatuation. Lucas is … he’s everything.
Eliott’s chest aches. Lucas. He hasn’t talked to him since saturday. Shame wells up in him when he realises he’s not even sure what day it is right now. He thinks it’s monday….or tuesday?
It doesn’t matter. He takes a shaky breath. It doesn’t matter because either way it’s been too long. That saturday seems so unreal now. A dream completely out of reach.
His eyes stare into the dark room as he lets the memories wash over him. Soft skin basking in golden light. Big blue eyes, so open. For him.
The doorbell rings again and he closes his eyes tighter against the harsh sound. The interruption lets him remember that he left Lucas. Left him after he told him he’d stay. And he wanted to, he meant it but then… he just couldn’t. Even though he so, so wanted to.
He lay there, Lucas beside him on his stomach, snoring ever so softly. It warmed his heart, his chest, his whole body. Fingers itching to draw Lucas. Not just doodle the tiny hedgehog his school notes were full of, but really draw him.
But the thoughts that raced in his mind weren’t on his side, as always. He kept thinking about what this meant. He had to talk to Lucille. He cheated on her. Yes, their relationship was over in a lot of ways and had been for a long time, but neither of them had ended it.
Lucille obviously stayed because she felt obligated to do so. Thought he’d not be able to go on without her.
He swallowed. Because he wasn’t sure he could do it without her. She had been there - from the moment of his diagnosis until now. And fuck. He just went and cheated on her.
Guilt spread through him. For betraying Lucille but also for thinking of this special, beautiful thing he experienced with Lucas as something he did to his girlfriend.
The guilt threatened to turn this magical morning ugly. So he left.
To end things with Lucille.
He didn’t expect it to get so bad afterwards.
It wasn’t because he still loves her. Her words had played right into his insecurities. Even though he knew his feelings were real- are real. It had drained him.
The cocktail of all those intense emotions broke his neck.
With the third ring of the doorbell a silent sob drives through him. He’s not even sure he’s crying right now. Isn’t sure he has any tears left in him. It feels more like his body tries to cry because it doesn’t know what else to do.
He just wishes his mother would leave already. Thankfully she doesn’t have the spare key to his flat yet. The thought of her insisting voice makes him pull the blanket up over his head.
*
Lucas forces an exhale past the lump in his throat. Tears make the stairs swim in front of his eyes as he makes his way down from Eliott’s flat. He doesn’t know what he expected. Some explanation? Had he really been hoping for Eliott to not be ok? To open the door and have a high fever and no power and that’s why he hasn’t heard anything for the last four days?
Pathetic.
He pushes through the door into the cold and roughly rubs at his cheek as the tears begin to fall.
