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PUT YOUR BEARD IN MY MOUTH
Today's Document
DEAR READER
#extradirty
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@evans-sam-blog
Isn’t it nice to be back?
Really? What makes you think your abdominals have that kind of power?
Maybe.
People usually don’t stop staring after I take my shirt off. I’m either really hot, or it’s magic. Probably both. My hotness is magical.
If this was a movie, you’d be the cute, little Osment kid and I’d be the Bruce Willis ghost! Not just because you’re the one with the extra sense, but cause I do a great Willis impression.
Why do we get so much homework over break?
That’s almost a full day. I might have to do a snack run first so we don’t starve to death.
Ooh, get doritos! Cool ranch are the best, cause they make you cooler when you eat them.
Isn’t it nice to be back?
You’re so adorable. No. unfortunately, I don’t have any powers although I wish I have!
I just..feel it, I suppose. It’s hard to explain but I just know, you know?
So I’ve been told. Same, here! Although, I am somewhat convinced my abs have hypnotic abilities, so that might be a superpower!
No, I don’t know, but then again, I don’t know many things, so.. Maybe it’s like a seventh sense or something.
You know what, I would love to push you don’t the stairs. Just make sure you don’t hit your head.
Hey. This isn’t about me, Sam, this is about you and the stress that you’re under. I have Tennis.. so I’m not really worried about being a part of some basketball team, regardless of my height. Same difference.
It wouldn’t matter if I hit my head, I’ve been told my skull is really thick so it’ll protect me.
I’m under something? But I don’t see anything on top of me... Wait, I can’t just drop you giving up on your dreams because of some dumb coach. You love basketball, right? Well, you should do what you love. Maybe we could play together! I’ll just like crouch or play on my knees. That’s what innuendo means? I thought it was a type of martial arts or something.
The thing is, I am weak. I’ve stayed up my fair share of nights, but the second my head hits a pillow I never want to leave, and you’d be surprised with how many things my head classifies as a pillow.
That sounds like a challenge. Does you head classify a rock as a pillow? Or food? What about a pillow as a pillow?
Why do we get so much homework over break?
Hey, I’m not a total virgin. I’ve seen the first two films. Gosh, I didn’t realise it was so dire. How do you propose on doing that?
We’re marathon-ing it! Only way to watch them. It’ll be 19 hours of me taking your half virginity, and don’t worry, I’ll be gentle.
I’m much taller than a hobbit, thank you. And I could do that but I don’t know what we’ll do if we encounter stairs.
I assume you would pick the ones you excel in. As an athlete myself, I know that loving a sport doesn’t always mean you’re good at them. I love basketball but if I was on a team, everyone would have to be terribly ill and unable to lift their arms before the coach would put me in the game. So.. dump the ones you aren’t that good in and stick with the rest. Was that an innuendo?
You’re right, you’re more like dwarf size. A large dwarf. A large, beardless dwarf. You could just roll me down them, I’d tuck in my arms and pretend I’m a log.
But I’m good at everything. As long as it involves using my hands, and not my brain, then I’m great at it. That’s horrible, dude, if you love basketball, then you should play it! I’m sure there’s some like short people teams out there. Maybe you could join a kids’ team! No, it was a dirty joke.
I’m 5′3, I doubt I could carry you to class. Would you settle for being dragged instead?
No.. I’m kidding. Unless you really need the assistance. Have you ever thought about cutting down or choosing sports that don’t overlap too much so you can give your body a break?
That’s adorable, you’re like hobbit height. Totally! You can pull me around on a sled all day. And then afterwards we could go tobogganing together!
No, I haven’t, but then I tend not to think much in general. I guess I could do that, but how am I supposed to choose? I love playing with all kinds of balls.
Why do we get so much homework over break?
Isn’t that a Harry Potter character? Were they bad?
Hold up, you don’t know the most terrifying villain that was ever created? Are you a Harry Potter virgin?!? We need to fix that, right away, this is a life or death situation. I'm going to have to save you.
So.. I think I may have signed up for too many sports this term. I can’t move my arms right now. It’s like my brain has stopped working, or my arms. I broke myself. Does anyone want to carry me to class?
Isn’t it nice to be back?
This place had not changed a bit. I can’t believe I’m finally back. For those of you who doesn’t know, I’m Eleanor Fabray, the school’s Head Cheerio and Track Star from All-Star. You can call me Ellie. This school year is going to be the best ever, I can feel it.
You can feel it? Whoa, do you have like magical powers? Where do you feel it, like in your feet or something?
It’s the second week of school since the break, and I’m already behind on sleep. Anyone have any contagious fake-illnesses I can catch?
You don’t need to sleep, just get a constant sugar high going, like me, with all the energy drinks and pixie sticks, it doesn’t matter I stayed up all night before. It’s like that saying, you know, sleep for a weak, or something.
I never thought you could get this sore from hula-hooping. When I asked coach Sylvester why were even doing this in the first place, after an hour or so, she told me that she didn’t know either. I’m not sure if I should feel smart or really dumb right now…
Beauty is pain, dude. Shakira’s hips don’t lie probably cause they’re too busy screaming from being sore. Not literally, though, hips can’t actually talk, that’d be way too cool.
It’s something of a wake-up call when you spend nearly a week sorting through appropriate winter attire to bring along with you from your closet, but somehow forget to pack pencils and paper. That being said—if anyone would like to exchange a few basic school supplies for a pair of comfortable mittens, my dorm is open.
Can I trade something else for the mittens? Like, comics, cause I don’t have school supplies either, but I really want your comfy mittens.
Why do we get so much homework over break?
And why do I put off most of it until the day before classes start? The world may never know.
Because teachers are evil, it’s like they don’t want us to enjoy life. They all have an inner Umbridge.
New favorite song.
