Every Needle Has An Eye @everyneedlehasaneye - Tumblr Blog

RIP

I don't usually post personal things here. I've tried not to bring much of my personal life into this blog at all. Tumblr is the only social media I use and I don't know where else to write about this, so here goes.

I am in my thirties, and I have battled with anxiety and depression for most of my life. I grew up in a troubled home. When I was a teenager, my parents separated. Some things improved, and others stayed the same. I struggled with getting my life started. I wasn't well enough to live on my own, so I stayed with my mother. We took care of one another. As I grew older I gained some independence, but I stayed with her because I knew she needed me as much as I needed her.

In 2017, my father died. He had isolated himself from everyone in his life, and his death went unnoticed for 2 months. He was a hoarder. The house was a mess. Very little could be saved. We had to trash pretty much everything from my childhood home. I got my love for music from my father, and I lamented the loss of his massive record collection. This is what led me to collecting records from the 1960s. It was a way for me to honor his memory, and replace some of what was lost.

In 2018, my mother was diagnosed with small cell lung cancer. We had just moved into a new home that we purchased together, and she was preparing to retire from her job. Everything happened all at once. I became her full time caregiver. Treatment went well at first, but took a sharp turn this summer. We were told that the tumors were stable, despite her declining state. They weren't stable. We discovered, too late, that her cancer had spread rapidly in the 6 weeks prior. She died on Labor Day.

As my mom's condition worsened this past spring and summer, I used music as my escape. Listening to the music of the 60s was a way to connect with both of my parents. I'd show my record store finds to my mom, and she'd reminisce about the music of her childhood. Posting in this blog was a way of sharing that enthusiasm. It was the one thing that relieved the stress of everything that was going on at home. I guess it seems silly now, but at the time it felt like the only thing that was helping me keep it together. I collected over 100 new (old) records this summer. Life feels so uncertain now. I don’t think I’ll have much time for record shopping anymore.

I'm not sure what the point of this post is. I guess I just wanted to say thanks for being along for the ride with me. I wish we'd been able to keep it going a little longer.

#text