"with love, kisses and hugs "NOTHING TO LIVE FOR..."
petrified, cold hands, chain bracelets on both wrists.
Each one of them hangs over my hand, they weigh, they burn, they hurt.
each chain in my brain, each one, an emotion, some feeling, several goodbyes, a lot of pain.
I used to dance to the rhythm of the wind, I used to be that petal that shone when that ray of hope reached me.
The ray of hope stopped being warm, the wind stopped being comforting, now only dark light... spiders instead of courage, blood instead of purified water.
darkness, rubble, all in one place... my mind, me... that beautiful place, which was a refuge, a beautiful house, is just a collapsed and dark house .
Denial is something that few understand, happiness neither, fear will always be surrounding me, pushing me away, I saw it face to face, I kissed it.
Every time I whisper it becomes a sentence, one more cut, a cut so deep, that at times it terrified me.
The sentence is sometimes so strong that all my air leaves me... the air I kept in a safe... my life supply, Vitamin A, a cleansing drink, warm light, everything I didn't have.
I hide, I run away, used to rejection... it's not rejection, it's not fear... maybe it's my way of surviving.. People are so inhuman, incapable of feeling, of seeing beyond... Could you break through that wall for me?
I could have immersed myself in drugs, really, they breathed down my neck... for so long, several Christmases... several Halloweens.. Could drugs revive me, allow me to escape, be able to breathe, escape from the void, rise to the surface... If I try them, will I be sure I can breathe?
At least I will see the sunlight run over my skin, illuminate and reflect on the bracelets on my wrists..
Now I'm standing in front of a black railing, next to the stairs, the sun shines on them, there are dark parts that the sun doesn't touch.... But why? Why don't they light up that elegant color? ... You only see what you want to see, what I want you to see... and yet, I don't see myself, you don't see me..
They're thinking of banishing me... to hell... in fact I'm already there... I'm exploring the cavities, the tunnels, its bowels, it's so "beautiful..."
It's beautiful, I love it, I would like to stay here forever.. Hell has burned all my skin, left me scarred, and blinded me... but it hasn't killed me yet? But why?
I've walked for days here, in some places, I've seen the sunlight, and I've stayed, but then the lights go out, the oxygen turns to acid, and every time I think it's going to be okay.. it withers..
I managed to reach the tower... I went up with her, I saw the devil... he's kind, comforting, but such unusual behavior...so unusual, I live with him.. I've fought with him, he burned a certain part of hell for me... something the angel in golden armor didn't do.
The devil is so stupid... so stupid, but no one understands him, he pretends to have dominion and understand everything... You may be the devil, but you don't know your demons...
In my nightmares I left the tower, I left... but still the lack of emotion, of air, of white clouds, clear sky, sunset, and birds flying...
nothing was easy, not for me, this is about me... about me either, It's about my soul... I can't purify myself... there's no one here, I'm alone, no grey days or in-between, just black...
with love and kisses... there's nothing left to live for.
(Writing this was so... refreshing, soothing, taking a break in a tropical forest. I wrote this in just 3 hours. I wrote an extra one, but I'll post that one after this one.. 💓)
Gracias por leer, tqm, sigueme para más ✨