I am actually starting to think that men are RAISED to be narcissists, and women to be neurotics.
I was reading recently about the difference between character disorders and personality disorders. The old thinking used to go that at the core of all narcissists was a wounded being–a core of self-hatred–the narcissist was trying desperately, through his masks, to obscure. However, as more research was done psychiatrists and clinical psychologists began to discover that in some types of narcissism (which they dub a “character disorder”) in fact there is no wounded core; these are simply people (and most narcissists are men) who believe themselves superior, usually because of how they are raised (coddled) as children. They really believe themselves to be faultless, while manipulating people to their own ends, and have very little in the way of empathy or the ability to see (much less meet) another’s needs, simply because they never needed to (not the way they were raised).
Now, interestingly, this kind of narcissism can be MIXED with self-hatred (which shows, at least, a level of awareness–that they are not as ‘special’ as they were raised to believe, and that they have done and routinely do terrible things to people). I think it’s part and parcel with how trauma causes men to act out (externalize), attacking or killing others, while trauma causes women to self-harm (internalize), with cutting, suicide attempts, or masochistic relationships; WAY more women than men experience childhood sexual abuse, and yet they don’t grow up and become serial killers. So I think actual trauma/actual issues MIXED with the toxic, narcissistic entitlement men are taught in our society can result in a dangerous, unhinged kind of narcissism (that swings between violence and self-loathing); similarly, unadulterated narcissism/psychopathy that actually believes in its own superiority can also result in violence (if you are superior, no reason to cry over the inferior others whose lives you are ruining); Ayn Rand was obsessed with this idea in her notion of Objectivism, which is why she idolized a serial killer–William Edward Hickman, who dismembered a twelve-year-old girl; to her, the lack of a conscience was an asset, not a hindrance or threat to society, and a person not possessing one had every right to feel superior (and trample over inferior others)…this justification has often buoyed the one percent.
On the other hand, neurotics are often desperately fearful of hurting others’ feelings, fearful of abandonment, and will constantly pick through all social interactions to think about the ways in which they failed to please; they make VERY GOOD VICTIMS for those with character disorders (character disorders being defined as a disorder in which the person knows the difference between right and wrong, but chooses to do wrong–a disorder of moral character; whereas neurotics–who may or may not have personality disorders, for example borderline personality disorder–are not doing wrong on purpose, are not deliberately manipulative, and in fact are severely anxious about doing the wrong thing and are easily manipulated).
So, is it any wonder that most narcissists are men, and most people diagnosed with “borderline personality disorder” (which many see as related to or even indistinguishable from PTSD, and which is characterized by fear of abandonment, a pattern of disorganized relationships and trouble in life in general–holding down jobs, being responsible–black and white thinking, self-harming, and suicide attempts) are women? Most of whom have a long history of trauma?
And is it any wonder that these two often end up together? Narcissists generally prey on neurotics (of all stripes–those with low self-esteem, with anxiety disorders, etc.), because they are such pleasers and so easy to manipulate. For example: wife says to the husband: I think you should spend more time with the family. Husband says: I work ALL DAY LONG for us, you NEVER appreciate anything I do, all you DO is complain, you are SO controlling, it really hurts my feelings and makes me feel like a guy can’t get a break, can’t I do anything right? And the wife apologizes profusely for being such a controlling, ungrateful nag, and goes off to care for the kids and make dinner, and the husband goes back to watching his game.
This is also a pretty classic interaction in terms of gender dynamics. So, neurotics, who may be afraid of abandonment and also have been raised to be pleasers and are terrified of hurting others, are easily manipulated into believing they are the guilty party when it comes to problems they identify in the relationship (or for not being “good enough” for their narcissist)…they are groomed, basically, to be supply (which is what the narcissist needs).
How is this NOT a metaphor for gender roles? Women are raised to be afraid of male abandonment, to place all their hopes in the idea that some man will want to stay with them (in many cases no matter how he treats them), they are raised to please men and please in general, to avoid hurting others, on and on and on…(at their own expense). Men are raised to believe they are superior and entitled by dint of that superiority to women (and other inferiors) as supply. And yet they NEED that supply to give them a sense of “self” and “purpose” since the definition of masculinity is such a fragile one (since it’s an invention, and men don’t have a super-obvious purpose, like giving birth, to fall back on for self-definition). So men NEED something that is inferior to them (where the hate comes from, I think); and men who are hurt by this but nevertheless buy into it fall into the category of “wounded-core” narcissists (while men who truly have no conscience/feelings–who really buy into it and DON’T feel hurt by it–fall into the category of “pure narcissists” who never have a moment of regret, weakness, or self-doubt).
I think this pretty neatly describes gender roles.
Which is to say, GENDER ROLES ARE A PATHOLOGY. They are pathological. They do not create healthy, whole individuals who can have healthy, moral relationships, civic or personal, with others.
Obviously I have been doing a lot of thinking about this but I think it needs saying…gender is a pathology, as defined by the DSM (I mean, if you look at character trait lists of what makes men men and women women), and it needs doing away with.
And since men are the narcissists in this equation, OF COURSE they will always find a way to blame the victim, blame anyone (but themselves), blame women, for making them do it (wearing short skirts, say) or simply imagining it, as you say.
And women, as you say, are taught to look inward, to self-blame, and to feel they are at fault (the perfect complement to the narcissist’s blame); to accept and glorify their role as subservient, lest they be “shaming” male sexuality and masculinity, which just has a need for domination, which is totally healthy under controlled circumstances (totally). Let’s not “shame” these narcissists for their destructive, manipulative behavior now…basically, with liberal feminism (as in so many other areas of life) men are acting exactly like men and women are acting exactly like women (under the prescribed rules of gender roles): narcissists and neurotics (whom you could call enablers, but would that be victim-blaming)?
I think a study needs to be done about masculinity and femininity that examines the nature of pathology, the interlocking nature of some pathologies (for example certain neurological studies of the brains of people in DV relationships show that both parties get a dopamine rush when the pattern of violence followed by apology and bonding occurs; they become, at a physical level, addicted to each other and to the abusive behavior) with a direct and unwavering focus on gender AS A PATHOLOGY that is holding back mankind rather than as something neutral or inevitable.
Maybe I should do it. Somebody should do it. In an academic way that people will take seriously (because chatting on blogs on the web without a million white male citations is something that women do–yak yak yak–and who could take that seriously? Women. But when will men)?
It could be called, “Narcissistic Masculinity Disorder”: When Supply Enables the Man (or is that too punny?)
