Yes, I admit it, I’m on a couple of dating sites. I don’t have the stomach for the bar scene, and there aren’t many ice cream socials for me to attend in an attempt to secure a possible mate. I make no excuses. Dating sites are difficult to use correctly. The men are trying to compete for the attention of women they only know from a brief description, and the women are stuck with a bunch of blathering buffoons sending such thoughtful conversation starters as “hey how r u” and “hey gurl u sexy.” I’m a guy, and I always try to come up with first messages addressing things I saw in the woman’s profile that could be relevant to the “getting to know you” stage. For instance, even if you are completely wrong for a woman, you are still more likely to get a response with “Hi! You seem like the kind of woman I’d like to learn more about. Your love for Johnny Depp movies and cosplaying as Margaret Thatcher make you a rare girl indeed,” etc. than “hay u wanna chat.” Now, this post isn’t about telling other guys about what they are doing wrong on dating sites. I don’t have enough battery life on my phone to scribble out an article on all the ways men are retarded on the internet. No, the true focus of this blog would be the ladies. Point 1: Specific content. I’m sorry, but “listening to music,” “hanging out with friends,” and “shopping” don’t tell me anything about you. At all. What kind of music? What do you do when you hang out with friends? Why the hell would you list shopping as a fucking hobby? Be just a bit more specific. The two things that really get me in the content section are “I like to have fun” and “I’m looking for a good guy.” No shit? Really? I’m glad you cleared up the fact that you prefer not to be bored and that you don’t want to date an asshole. Tell us something more interesting about you. Do you go bowling? Do you collect ketchup packets? Do you enjoy watching reruns of Saved By The Bell? Relay that in your profile! Point 2: Pictures tell a story If you post pictures of yourself in sexually provocative poses, and then proceed to complain that you keep ending up with the wrong kind of guy (or that you are tired of men messaging you for sex), your self-awareness is next to nil. Most guys have just enough blood flowing to their brains to form basic sentences, and will often get the wrong idea when encountering such images. Now, to be sure, post pictures of yourself having fun! Nothing is more attractive than a smile. However, if you just have cleavage shots or pictures of you against a wall pointing your ass at the camera giving a come-hither stare, you should probably know who your target audience is going to be. Could we please please please stop with the fucking mirror pictures, please? Even worse, the Instagram pictures all look exactly the goddamn same. You show a complete lack of originality, which tells me everything I need to know about you. On second thought…. keep it up. It helps guys like myself - who enjoy women that are more interested in the real world than what celebrity X is wearing - separate the wheat from the chaff. Point 3: Lrn 2 grammer gud, plz The worst offenders, to me, are the girls who show a complete lack of ability to spell or communicate correctly. I recently ran across a headline on a profile that read, “loookin 4 a honest guy.” I damn near had a stroke when I read it. In the spirit of honesty, though, I sent her a message that said, “Your spelling and grammar are fucking atrocious.” I now have a date, but that is neither here nor there. I think everyone deserves to end up with a good mate, but if you spell everything like a monkey having a seizure, who do you expect is going to respond? For Pete’s sake, people, there are spellcheckers everywhere on the internet. You want quality people contacting you, so why would you post a profile that looks like it was written by a brain-damaged twelve-year-old? I’m sure these tips will fall on the mostly-deaf ears of the internet. I just… can’t hold it in any longer. I don’t apologize for the fact that men, in general, are mouthbreathing morons whose sole concern are “boobs and beer.” There’s nothing I can do about that. I am hoping, though, that I can change a young lady’s profile for the better, so that she may in fact find a good guy.
