Evol Me

“So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be.” -The Perks of Being a Wallflower

[evolme94]

Its so weird being me. Being 2 in one. a constant duality. Theres a constant war behind my eyes. endless lethargy from invisible battles. Short choppy flawed sentences or long flowing eloquence but its all the same story. A painful confusion of a life. Striving to do good but falling prey to the demons in my head. I just need to pour out my soul and look at it in a petri dish. Examine its hills and valleys. But i fear that it will be a potent toxic that singes all that it touches and melts the petri into a twisted chared crisp. Loving myself would mean loving the demon. But can I do that? Should i love that which corrupts me? If only I could slay the dragon so that i could fall in love with the princess. but can i love her now despite the dragon? 

[evolme94]

So last night I had a dream. Well, not a dream. A nightmare. One of the worse I've ever had. And one that didn't necessarily stop upon awakening. I don't remember much details but it seemed like the setting was composed of raw emotions. We were on the floor our bodies were twisted up in a convoluted mess. I couldn't exactly see him but I didn't need to I knew who he was. The weight of his body pressed on me robbing me of any chance of air. Every inch of my body was racked with red hot pain. Every terrible emotion swirled out of my lungs filling the room with ugly twisting tendrils of black smoke. I screamed until my throat was raw begging pleading for someone to help. And then she came from around a corner. My ninth grade research teacher. I was so relieved tears ran down my face as I called her name trying to reach out to her so she could free me from the labyrinth of anguish. She looked at me her eyes filled with pity and shame as she scurried away as though she was never there. Then everything went black. I opened my eyes swollen from countless tears. In my hand I held various pills of shapes and sizes. I didn't know what they were for or why I needed them but my mother insisted I take them. The bitter tablets singed my esophagus. "Now don't you feel better?" My mother asked in a sickeningly sweet voice. I wanted to scream I wanted to run I wanted to tell her that I'm not the broken one! That I'm not the one that needed to be fixed! But instead I nodded and dropped more acid down my throat.

[evolme94]

[evolme94]

I feel as though I'm climbing a mountain. As I get higher up the mountain the scenery becomes more beautiful and I'm proud of myself for the new height that I've accomplished. But then it happens. Like a forceful wind I try to hold on brace my self fight against it and continue my ascent but the wind is strong and somewhat refreshing so I give in letting the wind blow me off the summit. Cascading through the air. A free fall of adrenaline and guilt. A mixture of excitement and fear as I plummet to the ground. And then it's over. I lay on the ground a mangled mess. Stretching my neck to see the peak from which I once stood. How can I keep letting this happen. Why don't I fight more? The self loathing creeps over me like a dirty blanket. I consider climbing back up the mountain but I'm hesitant because the higher I climb the further I fall. I wander around the darkness bruised battered and alone. I want to climb the mountain. Reach its highest peaks see the breath taking views and feel the surge of accomplishment. But the higher I climb the stronger the winds. Maybe next time I should pack a windbreaker.

[evolme94]

Painful Shameful Power

A small distant pang warning me that it’s time to go home Swim against the current don’t give in fight it. I make an attempt putting on my shoes to leave. But he’s not quite ready to take me home yet. A dull ache creeps across my abdomen. I sit on his bed hugging my knees to my chest trying to will away the pain. Play it cool and find a way out. He unfolds me and flattens me onto the sheets. He kisses my neck sending painful jolts through my body. I want to push him away and yet I pull him closer.

I hate how much I love it. I don’t know how to escape it. I have a distant memory 8 years old praying that I stop the dirty stuff I thirst for it like flavored acid Sickeningly sweet as it singes my throat. I siphon his power growing stronger as he struggles to breathe. This newfound strength floods me with pleasure and shame A terrible tango that I know all to well Pain and power swell inside Swelling to the point where I nearly suffocate the panic sinks in Why did I do this. How can I always let this happen. I hate how it feels but I love how it makes me feel.

[evolme94]

I'm feeling a mixture of anxiety and discouragement. It kind of makes me feel bad that I'm feeling this way because it makes me feel as though I'm not trusting in the lord. I know that Matthew 6:34 says not to be anxious or worry about tomorrow but I find it really difficult to shake this feeling. I'm trying not to be anxious but the more I try to fight it the more anxious I feel. I guess it's sorta normal to feel a little anxious about a new semester especially since I'm starting school again since my hiatus. I feel discouraged cause I have yet to find a car. I really didn't care either way whether or not I have a car I'm content with just long boarding everywhere but this winter break my parents have really been pushing buying a car and convincing me that this is something I really need. So I took out a loan and car shopped the entire break. And now I go back to school tomorrow completely carless. I was fine not having a car before but after putting in all this work for one I kinda expected to be driving myself back to school. I feel like I wasted all that time waking up early going from dealer to dealer just to end up with nothing but feeling that way makes me feel bad too. I know that my family and I have been praying for a car so I guess I just have to wait on the right one. My parents said they'll keep looking and drive it down when they buy it but i just really would have rather found one before going back. That way the money's out of my account and I don't have to worry about my spending. But I guess it's all in due time. I suppose patience is a virtue I just hate when I get my hopes up just to be let down that's probably why I rarely let myself get excited about anything. But I'm sure God has a plan so I guess for now I just have to wait and have faith.

[evolme94]

Isn’t it strange how love works?

I’ve recently gotten out of a best friend relationship. It was about 2-3 years long. It’s been 3 weeks since we’ve talked and it still hurts. But why should it when he always hurt me? You would think I would be relieved. And in a way I am. When I told my therapist about cutting him off she was elated and I know I should have been to…But honestly I miss him. It sounds so stupid when I say that though. all the things he’s put me through all the things he’s done to me and yet her I am trying to stop myself from going on his Facebook. I deleted him from my psn and from snap chat but for some reason I can’t bring myself to unfriend him on Facebook. It hurts to think that while I’m missing him his life just goes on. It hurts to think that he can come into my life and cut me so deep and not even stay long enough to see me bleed out. I mean I’ve gotten stitches now but it still hurts and the scars are still there. I just don’t understand how someone can claim to be your Best Friend while simultaneously being your worst nightmare. But I loved him. He never loved me though. That first time with tears streaming down my face I uttered the words “I love you” his reply? “Don’t say that” Maybe I should have taken his advice.

[evolme94]

After his text.

One word and a question mark. Sleep? Bolt up like lightning switch of the lights. Now lay down real quick and just sit tight. One small movement of my shadow will blow my cover. Revealing my lie through the slitted blinds on my window. Still. Still. Inhale. Exhale. Lock squeaks hinges creak as the front door swings open. Breathing stops and my blood runs cold. The foot steps come up the hall. The jingle of the keys against the neighboring door reminds me how to breath. Just my roommate how silly of me. And what if it was him. Why does he invoke such fear He's never hit me I suppose it's not his fist that I am afraid of.

[evolme94]

Christmas today was super great but multiple times throughout the day I would feel on the brink of tears and that worried me cause I didn't understand why that would be happening. I'm doing better and I'm happy so why would I feel like crying? As I laid in bed at 6am those feelings returned so I decided to explore those feelings. I decided not to fight it as I usually do so I could feel it and try and find its cause. Through my tears I realized that I felt it in my chest and it felt like fear so I asked myself what could I be afraid of. And slowly but surely I realized that I was enjoying my family and friends so I was afraid for this semester to start and worried that I would miss them and relapse. I don't want that to happen and I'm scared of being alone again. This morning when I woke up I decided to start the Jesus Speaks bible plan that my campus minister has been trying to get us to do daily and I'm really glad I did. Basically it said not to dwell on the past and not to worry about the future but be glad in the moment and live every second for Jesus. That devotional and this bible verse was right on time! I felt the anxiety fade away as I casted my fears on the lord. He has already taken my burdens so that I can live free. So why do I keep putting myself in bondage? I am free.

[evolme94]

Today I am free! No longer am I weighted down by the burdens of depression. For the first time in a long time I have found my voice. No longer am I that silenced girl filled with self doubt and uncertainty. No longer do I loathe the person in this skin. At long last my depression has lifted and I feel weightless. Though the rain has not passed I am able to dance through the storm until the dark clouds clear.

I AM NOT DEFINED BY DEPRESSION!

I am not defined by the tear stains on my pillow. I am not defined by my failed relationships. I am not defined by anxiety sweating and fretting the day away. I am so much more then my past will ever say because I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I am beautiful. I am intelligent. I am wise. I am caring. I am loving. I am loved and I’m worthy to be loved. I am soooo much more then this world will ever know. I’m not saying this to fill myself with false confidence. I’m saying it because it’s true. I’m saying it because often times I don’t believe it. And when the world is beating me down and telling me that I am less than I’ll have this here to tell me that I am so much more. I am finally free! Today’s a new day and it only gets better from here. If I can do it I know you can too!

[evolme94]

I get sad at night. I get weird. I feel icky and lonely. Sometimes my bears aren't enough.

[wnq-writers]

Self love is so important. Because when you’re all alone and it’s 3 in the morning and you’re lying on the floor crying and shaking and wishing it all would end, who’s going to be there for you? You. You have to pick yourself up and find the strength to carry on. At the end of the day, you’re all you’ve got.

(via luhxor)

[evolme94]

I never finished this pic but….

ME! Circa 2005

Im currently watching True Life I’m gender queer and it’s got me thinking. It seems like gender variants are on the rise. This could very well be due to the rise in acceptance and for the increase in understanding that there is a gender spectrum as opposed to an either or. As I’m watching this I’m reflecting on my own life and beliefs. I am a straight female but I haven’t always thought that way. Since childhood I have always preferred dressing in what is considered “male clothing” and to this day I still dress in a more masculine fashion. This may be due to the fact that I’m the youngest of two older brothers but I can’t help it it’s what I enjoy wearing. In elementary school I was introduced to the word “dike”. In fifth grade the kids at my lunch table were making bets on whether or not I would be a dike by ninth grade. In middle school my entire grade took to calling me gay and a lesbian. No one would want to use the bathroom if I went in and I was physically, verbally, and socially bullied simply because of what I wore and the activities I enjoyed. I realize I’m not the most feminine girl in the world. I prefer male friends, I was on the varsity wrestling team, I like to longboard and play video games. But despite all that I’m a straight female. In middle school I had heard gay sooo much that I figured It must be true so in ninth I fell head over hills with this girl in my class. I loved her more then life. Or so I thought. As it turns out I was infatuated with her. I was in love with the idea that I was doing what was right for me. And even though we were dating and I was doing my best to be the perfect girlfriend our relationship quickly crumbled. After the break up I was literally in pieces I thought I was being true to myself so why was this happening? In tenth grade I tried again with another girl and it was with this relationship that I realized I was straight. I think what people need to realize is that the world is changing and that gender is a spectrum but just because you exhibit trademarks of a sexuality does not classify you as such. This is 2015 it’s time for clothes to stop being gendered. Clothes aren’t alive they are pieces of fabric that you use to cover your body while simultaneously expressing yourself. There should be no boy section or girl section. Wear what suits your body and wear what makes you happy! All my life shopping with my mom has always ended in tears. She always tried to force me in skirts and dresses and i have given it a chance but it makes me feel very uncomfortable. This Christmas I asked for winter clothes because I really haven’t gone shopping in years (I mostly wear free t shirts from my school and my brothers hand me downs) hopefully by now she’ll have an open mind and let me dress the way that makes me feel like myself. I guess all we can do is wait and see lol

[evolme94]

Have you ever realized how weird a crop symbol looks??? I was considering whether or not I should start cropping my pictures that I draw. Idk if the spirals and such are off putting. I might start idk. I’ll see how it goes lol

[evolme94]

So I know it’s well past fall time but here in the south most of the leaves haven’t even changed yet. It’s legit been in the high 70s so it’s basically a perpetual fall time so here’s a note about fall.

It’s about to be fall time again which is pretty bittersweet. I’m excited but also a little bummed. I love the fall. The leaves changing into a vibrant kaleidoscope of oranges and red. The crisp cold air. The crunchy leaves blowing across the pavement. The early sunsets casting a long Shadow as the light filters through the shedding trees. Apple cider and cocoa with lots of marshmallows and not to mention hoodies and flannel! But I’ve always imagined having a bf in the fall. Someone to hold hands with on windy walks. Someone to hide my face in when the haunted house is too scary. Someone to eat candy apples with and win me a bear at the fair. But I guess that’s wishful thinking. Roy took me to the fair once. But I quickly realized it wasn’t gonna be like I imagined. He only let me hold his hand in the parking lot because “he knows a lot of people here” he never heard a word I said in the fair because he was too busy trying to find the next best thing I don’t even know if he even looked at me once.

[evolme94]

WAIT. WHEN DID CHRISTMAS GET HERE?!?!?!

As I’m sitting in the bathtub eating a piece of pie it dawned on me that Christmas is a week away. I have yet to buy any presents and to make matters worse my dads birthday is on Christmas Eve. So it looks like I need to do some super last minute Amazoning (that’s a word I swear) luckily I have prime so it shouldn’t be too terrible but its just the struggle finding gifts that everyone will love. But of course instead of using this solitary bath time to Christmas shop I instead feel the need to talk so I guess I’m gonna blog tonight lol. I have lots on notes saved on my phone of thoughts of have throughout the day. Lots of them are pretty random but some of them are pretty substantial so I’m gonna start posting some of those. Hopefully they can stand alone but if not. Well I guess I got some splainin to do.

[evolme94]

I’m having trouble finding my voice on here. I know I just started but I hate putting up a huge wall of meaningless text. My therapist says walls talk to walls. What she means by that is when you’re only being surface level with people then you won’t connect and people will only be surface level with you. I want this blog to be personal. I want to be real and transparent but I just feel so bogged down by back story that it’s hindering me from being honest. But now I’ll focus more on what I feel moved to talk about rather then what I feel needs to be explained and maybe that’ll prevent me from being a wall with a face.