and chill @evolukey - Tumblr Blog

One thing I’ve learned in life, if you act really self-assured and confident you can pretty much get away with anything.

gh0stcity

For example, I’ve watched someone walk on to a plane with no passport. Just walked right on.

jennitheodd

Once walked out of a dude’s house with a pair of his pants slung over my shoulder. Did all the usual eye-contact, saying-goodbye movements and noises, just… while stealing his pants. He did not notice.

razorlightt-deactivated20161221

I told my English teacher that she graded my final paper(I did not turn one in) and that she told me it was well written. She scrambled 3 days trying to find the nonexistent paper, then apologized to me for losing it and gave me a 96%. Confidence is key

whiskey-and-a-wry-smile-blog

my dad’s mate just walked out of a shop with a canoe and didn’t get questioned

matt-the-blind-cinnamon-roll

Humans are like bees: if they sense you’re an intruder all hell will break loose, but if you get inside the hive they just assume you belong there. Be confident.

minero-tan

Bee confident

88thparallel

This is funny but also true, and a huge tip when traveling. Act like you belong, and you won’t be bothered like other tourists might. Especially on public transportation… do your research ahead of time and look like a disinterested commuter and you’ll blend right in.

butterfly-bandaid

Fun Fact about Bees: they use pheromones to communicate and the pheromone to signal ALARM is the same chemical that makes bananas smell like bananas so if you eat a banana and then breathe on a beehive you will regret it and this seemed relevant when i started writing it

glumshoe

my uncle

-is allergic to chocolate -is physically incapable of laughter (it comes out as a hiss, like steam escaping a pipe) -has weird long vampire teeth -once led a chemical attack on some college students who had bullied his high school chemistry class -named his bicycle Tom Bombadil -got hired twice for the same job as himself and his fake identical twin because his boss wouldn’t hire him full time -is the only member of my family to have shown me open and unconditional support -is a clean-cut nerd… who used to be a psychedelic Deadhead and follow them around on tour -enjoys snacking on an exercise formula called “goo”; his favorite flavor is “plain”. Plain goo. He gave me a box of it for Christmas once and it’s as gross as it sounds. -cannot touch mangos -teaches meditation seminars at his Buddhist temple -has begun studying magic -used to be obsessed with cults, especially Scientology, and would just… spy on their temples -is so fucking weird -used to drive a car that he’d covered entirely in plastic lizards, until someone stole it -is terrified of the flying monkeys from The Wizard of Oz and still has nightmares about them

glumshoe

-is sending me on a roadtrip to the National Radio Quiet Zone for fun and education

glumshoe

-showed up to a family outing downtown this morning, wearing nylon shorts and expensive leather Oxford formal shoes -cried himself to sleep as a child because he desperately wanted a pet alligator -has experimented with god knows how many psychoactive substances…. For Science -is a literal masochist, as discovered this afternoon, when he told me all about how he’s addicted to the “excruciating pain and unexpected pleasure” of physical therapy -has feet so long he has to get shoes custom made for him - they have, in the past, been mistaken for clown shoes -once took his girlfriend on a date to lick the St. Louis Arch, in winter, and later revealed that he only framed it as a date ‘cause he was afraid of going alone in case his tongue got stuck to the metal -told me that he loved how bananas made his whole throat feel tingly, was surprised to find out that bananas are not supposed to have this effect -was disappointed that I did not bring a book on demon conjugation to the family reunion, because he wanted to compare it to his own translation -got banned from going down a slide today because he was dripping wet and had clearly been swimming…. he was just really sweaty from climbing the stairs

glumshoe

-sent me a check but forgot my legal name and put my nickname on it instead (it can’t be deposited and he hasn’t sent another)

glumshoe

this is what he wore to a family outing downtown

glumshoe

He showed up to our Christmas Eve dinner wearing a dress shirt, fancy slacks, and flip flops. All he ate was a bowl of smoked oysters.

thatcandleontheflooroverthere-d

@bunsuh this was a trip from start to finish.

stubbornme25

WTF😲😲

aaliyah-apollonia-deactivated20

This kid is just so freaking cool I’m proud of him

sistermaryfake

fucking sorcerer

cobaltdays-deactivated20210208

saltrat88

killin-the-machine

These people went from lifting chips to pulling off some action movie shit

summer-rose-isms

Chaotic good

curlsandstems

Don’t do drugs, ladies and gents. 😂😭😂😭😂😭

thewanderingnegro-deactivated20

“Whats your safe word?”

curlsandstems

That part had me weak 😂😭😂😭😂😭

paninimami

“You think I’m in pilates?”😭

trashg0d-deactivated20180217

“watch ya fingers bootyhole man!!” Lmfaooaoaoaoooo

justcariii

Lol i need to be his friend

southernbitchface

“Every strong man got a sensitive side”

h3llraizer

Lmaooooooooooooooooo

7thblacksheep-deactivated201907

“Ooo that’s cute”

decolonialtheoryandweed

Bruh I love this dude! Why is he getting arrested and is there a link for us to send money to bail him out?

thisblogdeadyeet

xpineapplethiefx

It’s a mix of hell and outer space.

sobrietykilledtheteenager-blog

how are u going to tell me mermaids dont exist then

listen-to-the-inner-walrus

dont quote me on this but im pretty sure weve only found baby giant squids so we dont actually know how big they can be

we also know like nothing about lobsters since most of them on the ocean floor and some marine scientists predict that, theoretically, there could be submarine sized lobsters

altonzm-deactivated20170213

french recipes: if you’re not making this in paris then what’s the point. fuck you

italian recipes: use the left leg meat of a pig from one of three farms in this specific area of tuscany, or from this day my grandmother will begin manifesting physically in your house

thirdtimecharmed

american recipes: buy these three cans of stuff and put them in a pan congrats you cooked

svynakee

chinese recipes, as handed down from mother to child: season it with a pinch of this and some of that. you want to know the exact amount? feel it in your heart. ask the stars. yell into the void.