Another Internet thing for me to largely ignore

[heppyfunny4]

[lmessentialoils-blog]

Konjac sponger for face cleaning

White   //    Black

Code: xmas30 (30% off)

[botanyshitposts]

how dare u post about konjac sponges without including info on the boi who produces them, amorophophallus konjac

[twentybrokenipodclassics]

Does “amorpho phallus” mean what I think it means?

[botanyshitposts]

yes. “amorphophallus” is the name of the genus of this species. it means “misshapen dick”. 

more species from this amazing plant group that i love with all my heart:

amorphophallus titanum (”giant misshapen dick”). its the largest unbranched flower inflorescence in the world. this is considered a small bloom.

amorphophallus bulbifer:

amorphophallus gigas (recent studies have been suggesting that the ancestor of titanum might have been a natural hybrid between this one and another in the family)

Amorphophallus paeoniifolius:

you see the trend. there are about 200 species of these plants found so far. also some of them heat up and most of them smell like rotting flesh lmao 

anyway just something to remember when u use ur misshapen dick sponge

[botanyshitposts]

@gallusrostromegalus what now

[gallusrostromegalus]

My fiance is a generous and loving man who Tries To Be Romantic but I am an fucking goblin, so when he asked me what my favorite flower was, He was thinking along the lines of roses or poppies or something else suitable for a bouquet.

I am a terrible person with a degree in Botanical illustration and a warped sense of humor, told him honestly that my favorite one was Amorphophallus titanum, but we got interrupted before I could explain that it was my fave because it’a a giant stinky dick-plant.

So my Poor Betrothed, who knows nothing about plants, spent the next few weeks leading up to our anniversary calling all around to various florists to FIND the damn thing and have it delivered and SOMEHOW none of these people explained to him that “No, we don’t have that. Nobody has that. Your intended is a weirdo and you are on a wild goose chase.”

Except for one really weird guy in St. Louis who claimed he had one but wanted $5K for it, so maybe Missouri has some kind of underground arum ring IDK, but Fiance knew better than to get involved in that.

Some come the anniversary, I get a very lovely Protea instead and apologies that he couldn’t find my favorite, he’s very sorry.

..I might have fallen out of my chair laughing in the restaurant.

[thenatsdorf]

“Get this thing outta my bed.” (press play for audio)

[the-memedaddy]

Meirl

[naamahdarling]

Oh shit that’s me. God help you if you get me to a party in a friendly mood. Everyone will learn about possum nipples, flower language, and anthropodermic bibliopegy.

[jennitheodd]

I want to learn about possum nipples.

[tharook]

Present for my mum: a Lego Julbock for her wintery village.

[tharook]

Calamity! Disaster! Arson!

[obi-juan-keno-bri]

I think my favorite thing about being engaged is when I ask my fiancé “Who’s my future husband” kind of in the same way you’d ask a dog who’s a good boy and he gets really excited and goes “ITS ME, I AM FUTURE HUSBAND”

[obi-juan-keno-bri]

News update we’ve been married for almost 6 months now (6 months in three days) and he still gets excited when I come home and say “Where is husband?” He’ll pop up from wherever he is or whatever he’s doing and say “HELLO ITS ME I AM HERE”

[keenarnor]

Goals

[pinkmanthedog]

My horse Squidward loves the water so I took her out to a river to swim and she got so excited she shoved her whole fat dumb head underwater which I have literally never seen a horse do before

[pinkmanthedog]

@itsapollo78world

[pinkmanthedog]

I give ONE horse the good Christian name Squidward and every godless trashrat on this hellsite comes slithering out of the woodwork to criticize me

[whatifwekilledgodandwebothgirls]

Id just like to point out that

[pinkmanthedog]

Incredible contribution

[pinkmanthedog]

Apparently this is going viral on Instagram? Follow me at @haydenkristal

[pinkmanthedog]

DEAR HATERS

[valtsv]

allow me to slip into something a little more… comfortable *is enveloped in fog and disappears never to be seen or heard from again*

[earhartsease]

They will be sorely mist

[mickstjohn]

@thebibliosphere vlad

[browsethestacks]

The Mummy

Art by Stephanie Pepper

[bixbythemartian]

this art is FANTASTIC

[sharkodactyl]

do you want to see a movie where you have no idea what is going on for the first forty-five minutes? jupiter ascending is the film for you! other highlights include:

a ten minute long spaceship fight with no context or purpose, which destroys a city. “no one will remember” channing tatum growls as they leave the city, as if youtube does not exist

“here’s a latke for you, bitch”

someone using a menstrual pad as a bandage by slapping the sticky part onto the wound, leaving the actual blood-absorbing part just kind of…waving around

actors chewing the scenery so hard i’m surprised beautifully over-constructed bits of space metal aren’t just falling out of their mouths

a man trying to shoot thousands of bees in the middle of a cornfield

a gun that makes dog noises. it barks. the gun barks. 

oedipus complexes so beautifully twisted and terrible that you will spend half the movie mouthing “oh my god” to yourself

related to that, the climactic line of the movie is “i’m not your damn mother,” so take that as you will

a breathtakingly gorgeous and complex universe used as a background for a romance between woman and a man. granted, the man is a wolf angel. but still.

I CREATE LIVES……………….

[whispers] and destroy them

[sharkodactyl]

no i’m sorry i have to keep going

“bees can sense royalty”

mila kunis having the powerful realization partway through that she is a furry, an epiphany that changes her life

“i love dogs” she whispers, eyes wide

SPACE BUREAUCRACY. A MONTAGE THAT IS JUST SPACE BUREAUCRACY. THEY FILL OUT SPACE FORMS. IN SPACE.

“bees can sense royalty”

channing tatum, shirtless in the void of space

a room FILLED WITH CANDLES

soylent green nectar…….is…………….peeeeoplllle

“bees can sense royalty”

sean bean’s apparent daughter, who shows up onscreen for a minute and a half, leaves to get supplies for dinner, and never comes back

yeah sean bean is in this too i didn’t believe it either

“bees can sense royalty”

a space wedding. it’s just like an earth wedding. BUT IN SPACE

mila kunis’ character’s name is jupiter

yes i am dead serious about this

she spends most of the movie falling

they really should have called it “jupiter descending” because that’s all she does

  “bees can sense royalty”

[velocigrey-deactivated20160825]

All that repetition of how bees can sense royalty, and you leave out the fact that the bees were an alarm system set up by Sean Bean, who is part bee.

[boogerwookiesugarcookie]

Did you seriously leave out Channing Tatum’s flying rollerskates?

[sevenpoints]

[adulthoodisokay]

i love this movie so much

[alexisthenedd]

all this and no one mentions the zero gravity space orgy fuck bubble, what movie did you people even see

[omghotmemes]

I laughed way too hard at this

[mezimraky]

in case anyone is looking through the notes trying to find the original artist it’s will mcphail !! feel free to check out his site but also here are some other things he made too !!

[smooththegoofyshark]

OOOHHH CLICK ON THAT LINK THIS GUY IS FUCKING GREAT

[evilkitten3]

HOLY SHIT

this guy GETS IT

[ampervadasz]

Unmute !

[notvoid]

[singoallala]

This is a hilarious mistranslation actually. I suspect it originally said something along the lines of "Impregnerad mot vatten", i.e. "Water proof".

Impregnering is the process of making a material resistant to water/heat. The swedish word for water (vatten) is similar to the word for goblin (vätten) so I guess there was a mixup.

[super-sootica]

Yet another Rogue Translator

[bogleech]

been spitballing some ideas for new future stereotypes or social norms that will be pushed on your gender/orientation let me know what u think:

It will be expected of “real men” to pretend to be afraid of all birds

It’ll commonly be joked about as though women blow too much money on an unnecessary number of dracula costumes

Nonbinary people won’t directly wear their favorite shirt but wear clothes emblazoned with photos of themselves in that shirt

Trans people will only be expected to have career goals that incorporate lizards somewhere and it’s always supposed to be in a subtle way where they’ll tell you about their dream and it takes a while for you to go “okay THEEEERE’S the lizard”

Only straight women eat sandwiches where both pieces of bread are the same kind of bread

Lesbians can’t resist chasing, catching and eating moths, but it’s common courtesy for them to say “whoops!” every time they succeed.

Bisexual women like to wear shoes on their hands and feet at the same time when no one’s watching

The 1991 Japanese Science Fiction Film Zeiram will somehow replace Rocky Horror as the movie all straight people assume all gay people are really into

It will go around that asexuals really do turn red and shoot fire out of their mouths if they eat something spicy enough and every time it doesn’t happen their friends are going to pat them on the back and be like “whoa, you can let it out if you need to, we understand” and then the ace is gonna be like “that’s not real or biologically possible” and their friends will think they’re just powering through it to look tough and will humor them politely

Real men should also pretend to be surprised and alarmed every time a woman explains to them that many birds are able to fly, in fact this will eventually come to be the only thing straight people do to flirt

Conversely all other orientations will flirt by casually making up new bones that don’t exist and explaining to one another where those bones are located on the human skeleton while the other person acts like they don’t know it’s a lie

[doctorbluesmanreturns]

Idk who this random suit model is but he gives off the most David Tennant energy ever from someone who’s not actually Tennant.

[wandering-sooty-deactivated2023]

It's him! It's David Lanndlord!

[bandwagonaf]

I am a hockey blog, but tbh this the best Gritty take I’ve seen. Cities should just have monsters, sports or no sports.

[unluckyrose]

three main parts of d&d culture are

1. *drops to 0hp* “I’m dead.” “You’re not dead yet”

2. rolling a bad perception roll and your dm is just like “you don’t have a fucking clue where you are. a room maybe?”

3. when the dm is narrating a scene for another character and your character isn’t even there so when you make a smartass comment about what’s happening the dm shouts “You’re not here”

[opossummypossum]

MOOOOOM

[jadienjaystoriesandart]

@5am-the-foxing-hour

Remind you of Cat Roman? XD

[5am-the-foxing-hour]

Considering that this is how Roman and Remy met, yes