everything i could never say... @evrythingicouldneversay - Tumblr Blog

For two weeks I haven’t been able to stop thinking about her. She’s everywhere. Every social media leads to her even when I have muted all the words I could possibly think will lead to her.

The thing is, I recognize a fellow anorexic when I see one. After all, I’ve been in this shit hole for 12 years. Firstly, seeing her pictures triggers me, wants to reactivate so many conducts and thought processes. Secondly, it pisses me off how so many people deny that she’s in any danger at all and even dare say she’s the picture of health.

I am the same height. I have the same build. Not even at my lowest weight, which was very unhealthy, did I look as sick as she does.

Anyway, I don’t even know what the point of writing this is. I guess I just wanted to get my thoughts out.

#eating disoder recovery #pop star #eternal sunshine #petal #just a girlblog #4n4meal #rexiia

i wish i could love myself. i wish i could just be happy with the body i was born with. i know i can’t go back, and i don’t want to lose all my progress towards recovery. but i want to feel comfortable in my skin so so badly. i have gained the weight, rejected those unrealistic ideals, done all the hard work… i just need this one more giant step. maybe it’s not even possible. but if i could just not hate the way i look, life would be so much easier.

#recovery #healing journey #body goals #self love #self esteem #eating disoder recovery

a sinking feeling i can’t escape

overwhelming thoughts that never seem to fade

my health, my time, my life, i gave it all away

for the promising picture of your embrace

happy and perfect, worthy of love

superior to everyone, the envy of all

safe from all danger inside your concrete walls

but this isn’t heaven

i hurt and i cry

this isn’t heaven

but i’m so close i could die

my bones are fragile, my heart is weak

i keep running out of air every time i speak

my hair’s falling out, yet more grows on my back

my hands won’t stop shaking, and my nails always crack

this isn’t heaven

turns out you lied

this isn’t heaven

but i can’t bear to say goodbye

Being home alone is the best thing in the world, it gives me lots of peace. I can be myself, wholly and truly, without anyone judging me. And that amazing feeling immediately ends the minute I hear their car pull over, they’re keys jangle at the door. Everything is much better without them around.

I have a whole in my heart. I feel as if something’s missing, a part of me or perhaps something in my life. The emptiness is shattering, and it won’t let me sleep at night.

it’s been only one week and I already miss you like crazy. i just want to be next to you, breathing, existing…

How do i get out of here

I’m losing my fucking mind

evrythingicouldneversay

I’ve been crying my eyes out every day this week and i’m done feeling so shitty. It didn’t used to happen like this anymore, it used to be a day or two of feeling bad, not a whole week or more...

*crying intensifies*

evrythingicouldneversay

Fucking shit it’s happening again

Like I was dying during the last two weeks fir a good reason and then I was fine for like A DAY AND A HALF and now I’m bad again and for no fucking reason at all apparently. I don’t even know why I feel the way I do, I don’t have any arguments that explain it; my life’s been pretty good and I can’t be happy about it?

What the fuck is wrong with me

I’ve been crying my eyes out every day this week and i’m done feeling so shitty. It didn’t used to happen like this anymore, it used to be a day or two of feeling bad, not a whole week or more...

*crying intensifies*