i'm in the bell jar

sprout | 27 | any pronouns

[daddyfuckedme]

[excitedsprout]

coming up on a year without you, mom. maybe shit will get better soon. i hope so.

[tothechaos]

me trying to convince myself that the whole spectrum of human emotions is a good and necessary thing to feel even if its not comfortable while im actively experiencing emotions that make me feel like my bones are being dissolved in acid

[computationalcalculator]

[excitedsprout]

school has been going really well. i can feel myself improving and it's nice to have something that is challenging and also solely my own. it's nice to feel good at something that's tangible. i have straight a's so far! i wish i could tell my mom about it.

[noperopesaredope]

I wish we had more female characters like Eleanor Shellstrop. One of the most unlikable people you've ever met. Read a Buzzfeed article on most rude things you can do on a daily basis and decided to use that as a list of goals. Makes everyone's day worse just by being there. Dropped a margarita mix on the ground and tried to pick it up, only to get hit by a row of shopping carts which pushed her into the road where she was hit by a boner pill delivery truck, killing her instantly. Cannot keep a romantic partner despite being bisexual. Had a terrible childhood but will die before she gets therapy. Best employee at a scam company. Just the worst but also can't help but root for her to improve.

Absolute loser. Girl-failure. Bad at almost everything. Literally perfect female character.

[excitedsprout]

i had my first great day in awhile.

[gettingintoknives]

literally how am i supposed to react to this email my mom sent my entire family

[derinthescarletpescatarian]

by opening the spreadsheet and calling dibs on her best stuff obviously

[excitedsprout]

I MISS MY MOM

[alonesomes]

“[after a half-hearted suicide attempt at age 13] When Daddy comes in, he carries you to bed. Is there anything you feel like you could eat, Pokey? Anything at all? All you can imagine putting in your mouth is a cold plum, one with really tight skin on the outside but gum-shocking sweetness inside. And he and your mother discuss where he might find some this late in the season. Mother says hell I don’t know. Further north, I’d guess. The next morning, you wake up in your bed and sit up. Mother says, Pete, I think she’s up. He hollers in, You ready for breakfast, Pokey. Then he comes in grinning, still in his work clothes from the night before. He’s holding a farm bushel. The plums he empties onto the bed river toward you through folds in the quilt. If you stacked them up, they’d fill the deepest bin at the Piggly Wiggly. Damned if I didn’t get the urge to drive to Arkansas last night, he says. Your mother stands behind him saying he’s pure USDA crazy. Fort Smith, Arkansas. Found a roadside stand out there with a feller selling plums. And I says, Buddy, I got a little girl sick back in Texas. She’s got a hanker for plums and ain’t nothing else gonna do. It’s when you sink your teeth into the plum that you make a promise. The skin is still warm from riding in the sun in Daddy’s truck, and the nectar runs down your chin. And you snap out of it. Or are snapped out of it. Never again will you lay a hand against yourself, not so long as there are plums to eat and somebody-anybody-who gives enough of a damn to haul them to you. So long as you bear the least nibblet of love for any other creature in this dark world, though in love portions are never stingy. There are no smidgens or pinches, only rolling abundance. That’s how you acquire the resolution for survival that the coming years are about to demand. You don’t earn it. It’s given.”

— Mary Karr, “Cherry” (via lifeinpoetry)

[excitedsprout]

of course i miss my mom on my angry, awful, miserable days. what i wasn't expecting was how MUCH i'd miss her with every win. every good day or success is met with a terrificly glaring absence and that's just what life is for me right now. miss you so much mom.

[excitedsprout]

six months without you, mom. i signed up for college and i think you'd be proud. god i fucking miss you.

[excitedsprout]

i had my youngest daughter's first birthday today. i had a mostly good time but i did miss you, mom. the bathroom lights kept flickering only when i went in the bathroom and mem kept saying it was you visiting. i hate going into the new year without you. i love you so much.

[excitedsprout]

she would have loved to see the pictures and videos of my girls opening their presents. i hope she's watching over us. merry christmas momma i love you.

[excitedsprout]

thankful for my family or else this birthday would have ONLY been god awful. i miss my mom.

[excitedsprout]

i could not do this without jon.

[excitedsprout]

i just don't know how to cope with this. it hurts all the time. i think about her ALL THE TIME. i constantly catch myself thinking "i miss my mom" and i can't burden everyone with that. i'm supposed to be a pillar of strength for two children. i love my babies so fucking much i don't want them to feel the hurt i feel. i can't help but feel like it leaks out of me. i don't know what to do about the constant ache inside of me. my mom lost her parents when my brother and i were young. if she were here i could ask her what she did to cope but i know what she did to cope and i can't do that to my kids. i can't do that to my kids. i can't do that to my kids.

[yeehawpim]

I feel like wanting things has been important to being happier for me