Little reporting about myself
What i wanted to say in this post is that iām finally realising completely what iāve passed through.
Before i left for England i was trying to tell myself what to do because i knew that i was hurting other people, but i didnāt know really why. My mind was settled in the same way as two years ago.
It all started at the beginning of the 2014 summer, when i realised i gained weight, and then all my (right ,now i think) innocence went away. I started restricting, even if at the beginning i didnāt have any ill purpose (or better, my mind didnāt have one). And at the same time i was quite depressed, because i wasnāt happy with myself in general and i had problems with friends. The problem was always the fuckinā perfectionism, because everything i did was NOT ENOUGH. And itās not like these silly girls that want the world to be staring at them, i was opening a battle with myself, iāve never cared about others.
In the summer it all went up and down with my depression, depending on staying or not with friends, and if what i thought i would do was exactly how i was thinking about it. But i lost some weight and at the end of the summer i was like before, at an healthy weight and also thin. My weight was not abnormal. The thing that was so was my mind and what i did to compensate my sadness. And this fortunately didnāt last a lot because school started.
But the thing was that then i had more and more commitments and so extra work because i wanted to do all in a perfect way. The real problem then, was that if i take 5, i want 6; if i take 100 i want 200. And it never ends.
This way of thinking was completely destroying my life, like my relationships with friends and family and my mental equilibrium.
Another thing that made it more and more complicated was my family situation, because i was used to care too much and to be the parent of my parents. The good thing to be a young adult is that you are always on the top and different from others and you feel so good about yourself. But when you start to get used to it you want more, youāre never satisfied. And at the same time when people make you simply favours you take them as something really special.
To summarise it, i was punishing myself and rewaring people who didnāt deserve it. I was completely wasting myself.
Then i lost a lot of friends because of reasons that didnāt regard me and my family situation became worse.Ā
So, i wonāt describe everything because iām not ready for it..but i started restring more and more and sometimes i also forgot to eat because i was totally killing my appetite. But when youāre alone and depressed you have to find something to control, and i started being satisfied about myself, because i felt different and i felt like i could control everything, if i could control something vital like eating.
But when you have this illness youāre in aĀ ālimboā all the time, you feel like on drugs because you are not giving energy to yourself but youāre alive and so you feel invincible and itās like thereās someone else in your mind that tells you what you CAN do and what you CANāT.Ā
Obviously i started feeling always cold and not to breathe well, and i had to take every night Ā some chamomille in order to sleep. But at the same time i couldnāt see myself clearly. I was no more able to see the shape of my body. I saw myself huge and all the others were fit and thin and beautiful.
When my parents told me that i had to stop and they cried, they told me that in a really rude way, because obviously they were frightened. But in a mind of an ( i wonāt say this name...right now it really hurts me) it all turns wrong. It means : start the fight.
So started to pretend everything, but i arrived at one point when i was super stressed about everything and everyone that i started eating a lot a lot and nothing and the circle seemed not to stop.
I was going to a therapist at the time, and he was like my only friend, because he was the only one that understood my fucked mind obviously. Because itās all a mechanism of your unconscious : when youāre a perfectionist, you donāt accept anything about yourself and you want more everytime. It also regard the real life, you want to getĀ āto the topā ( i wonāt say anything in particular..) because real life is not enough. At the same time iām a sensible person, so when i loose someone itās the end and i always feel guilty for everything. So you feel depressed. And you obligate yourself to do something extreme to make others notice you for one time. Because you always take care about others and not about yourself, and at the end youāre tired, because others take advantage of this and they use you.
So i was starving me to death, because when you have this mood for a long time, you want to stay in it and you canāt be better without help. What i was trying to do was doing something extreme to make others notice what i was becoming and in the case they wonāt do it, i would probably die.
The really sad thing of this is that you donāt know anything about it until youāre not ill anymore. You think itās normal what youāre doing and you feel only sad and angry everytime.
But during the summer i started seeing some of my friends and my therapist did a lot in 5-6 months, and i started being better.
But when i really healed was during the months in England because i started to live.
I was apart from my parents, without stress, without all the people that were and were not with me in reality and i was experiencing.
I was studying what i liked, i was free and i was travelling. Iāve met so many beautiful people and it really was the best period of my entire life.
So... i will continue this soap another time ahahah!
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