Existential Dread and Sass

she/her. I kinda just want to have all my writing in one place, so I'll post it here from time to time. If you like or hate anything, lmk!!

[existentialdreadandsass-blog]

the ballad of mother moon

i wrote a love song

it was 10 years long

but it didn’t matter

all along

i stared at the ceiling

it was talking to me

i wish that i could find out

how i can be free

i don’t know you, thought i did

thought i could

i said i’d stop it

guess i lied

knock on wood

[XXXXXXXX]

it’s true

miss you

misused and bruised

you know too much

i run

i hide

from the rising tide

just me, the sea

[XXXXXXXX]

twisting turning stomach churning

spinning shifting too

and i will change upon this stage cause i am not you

but you are me

till’ then we’ll see

what’s left for me to do

i will not cry

but i’ll still try

when you’re feeling blue

oh mother please i’m on my knees

tell me ?i am who

[XXXXXXXX]

the moon shines down on my sleeping body

i dreamt i saw her in a mirror at a party

i wasn’t invited there, nobody invited her either, but it still felt pretty good

that moon is the same one that cleopatra saw

and julius ceasar saw when they fucked

and the soldiers in the trenches in 1918 saw when they ducked

and it’s the same one i’m gonna see when i drop dead

or get married

or finally feel good in my head

who knows if i’ll feel good about myself

maybe the moon knows

she’s seen a lot of people like me, after all

she’s pretty too

dear moon, i wanna look like you

this is the ballad of that woman at that party

she’s just a little late, or maybe she won’t show up at all

i think her name was [REDACTED]

something like that, who cares

i don’t even know her

[existentialdreadandsass-blog]

Gun Slut

words stuck in my head

20 years, hundreds dead

like no one hears what we see here makes you wonder what Congress hears

i put them first

we’re put last

what hurts most; it’s not the last

Semi-Automatic

they’re still static

while you and i become a stat it’s...

i want action 

want it today

silence, marches- not parades

call me frantic, NRA antics

in their pockets from Pacific to Atlantic

money makes them shut

like they’re the gun’s slut

but people dying, parents crying 

that should all add up.

[existentialdreadandsass-blog]

2036 excerpt

Summertime Heat: I

The ​heat​ around me felt surreal, as if my whole life and everything I’d thought I knew had merely been some abstract dream I would momentarily wake from.

All the mistakes.

All the wasted time.

I would never get it back.

I would never get ​them ​back.

I would never get ​you ​back.

The irony of the situation was in a way humorous to a grief-stricken version of the girl who wanted to be alone.

The girl was me, and frankly, it’s obvious that I am to blame.

The cackling laughter of the fire around me was the only thing that grounding me to the true reality. I had to run, I had to escape, I had to survive. All those years i’d rather forget, only to have it end here, huh?

In a haze, I was brought to my senses by yet another threat to my life. Standing in the burning hallway, echoing footsteps signified someone approaching me at a rather quick pace. The loud rhythmic tapping of cleated boots made a man in a worn, yet admirably ornate fox mask known. The manner of his approach awoke some ​feeling ​in me, and in a moment I knew he had purely malevolent intent. 

The ​heat​ from both the sun, seen through holes in the now threadbare roof, and from the fires around me singed my pale skin. In a moment’s notice, I was armed with a pistol that had lain in the stiff hands of a corpse I’d ​forgotten ​about. Gripping the pistol curiously, I held it up to the man with the mask before noticing the glass bottle in his hand. In the heat​ of July it isn’t hard to act on animal instinct, and that I did. Moving my trigger down on the old-timey revolver that ​someone...someone special ​had shown me how to shoot, the masquerading aggressor soon flung forward, his now deceased body carried by his former momentum directly at me. The bottle in the fox’s hand crashed against the floor, its liquid spewing out, and my body was consumed by ​heat​.

Opening my eyes, I was once again brought into the true reality. I inspected my nude body in the cracked mirror of my room, leering at the leathery texture of the left half of my person. Running my left hand across my thigh, I found myself lost in an ocean of thoughts, my right hand gripping the pistol on my side instinctually, my body shaking. 

Here’s another excerpt from the Light Novel I worked on a bit in summer 2017, it’s name is Nighttime:2036. The main inspiration for the writing style and themes is the Kagerou Daze light novel series by Jin, who surpasses my skill as a writer and musician 10,000 times, I love you, Jin. 

Anyways, the Novel is about a young woman (who’s name is currently XXXXX YYYYY), about 20 years in age, living in a futuristic city. She performs a role as a law enforcement officer, who herself is exempt from all laws. Crime rates in this future have gone up exponentially, but with her trusty AI-Pistol-Professional-annoyance-and-comedic-relief Sidekick Sapphire on her side, she’s probably fine. Basically it’s a yuri-sci-fi-existential amalgam of my stream of consciousness, so that’s great. I’m planning on rewriting the first few chapters in the future (hopefully before the year 2036!), so if you would like to see this mystery unfold, get in line.

[existentialdreadandsass-blog]

In this moment

In this moment 

the sky fades to black

the heavy haze of heat we call summer clings to the air

the glowing ship on the horizon is consumed by the sea, painting the world in a rose glow one final time

In this moment

the familiar hum of a strong downpour comforts me

each drop a part of something bigger

like a cog in a machine

cold against my skin 

warm against my soul

In this moment

the oak tree swings to the rhythm of the night, beaten but not defeated, clinging to the soil so that it not be taken away by the intrusive zephyr

strong, but changing

changing, but familiar

familiar, but new

The moment is gone

You’ve left, it’s true

And while the sun has set

while the clouds have emptied

while the wind has blown

In that moment, I loved you. 

[existentialdreadandsass-blog]

“What’s it matter in the end?”

“What differentiates a dialogue from a monologue?”

“The simple answer is that a dialogue is between two minds, whereas a monologue is one mind reflecting to itself.”

“But characters are just reflections of the author, based on the authors perception of real-life beings. In a way, a scripted dialogue is really just the author using the medium of literature to convey their own thoughts and feelings.”

“Hm, I suppose i’d have to agree with you, me.”

“That’s right, we’re just the authors thoughts, all intermingling through her perception of others. We, being characters, are just what she thinks of the people in her life.”

“Well then, who am I?”

“You are the you that exists in her mind, in the same way, I am the me she sees through the lens of her consciousness, I’m as much a part of her as she is a part of herself.”

“I have to hold the people around me close to me, their and my relationship is what gives me a sense of identity, and through that a sense of purpose. At the same time, if i’m only what they see, do I even exist?”

“One cannot exist in their thoughts alone, I think you’re a mixture of the thoughts of others, but they themselves are mixtures of thoughts too.”

“But being together is scary! I have to let myself be vulnerable to truly connect with others, and if I do that, they may try to hurt me.”

“But you know that if you run away, you might as well not exist at all. You cannot go on in being without the trust from those you hold close. You cannot exist in your mind and your mind alone. You know all of this. I know all of this, yet you still run away. What’s it matter in the end?”

“What am I?”

“You’re whatever others see you as, and at the same time, you are what you see you as. Your relationship to yourself is the exact same type as your relationship to the outside world. Do you hate yourself?”

“Yes I hate myself! I’m awful. I can’t make up my mind! I run away from all of my problems! I’m ignorant and-”

“If you are just the perception of you, why hate yourself? Why not show the world your true colours? Something that someday you’ll be able to not hate.”

“Because then the world might hurt me! Because then i’d have to change something and stop using this rut as an excuse to lay around and let it all go to waste! What’s it matter in the end?!?!”

“It matters as much as you’ll let it. You can breeze through life, an amalgam of untethered emotion, or you can let each and every moment mean what you want it to. That’s about all you have, in the end.”

“Why ask questions that don’t have answers? Is there a meaning in going on if all I’ll ever be is uninformed and confused?”

“I don’t know, is there?”

“I don’t know either.”

“Nobody does, so for the last time i’ll ask you, What’s it matter in the end?”

[existentialdreadandsass-blog]

“to the fairest...”

“You should probably leave.”

That’s right, after all, this is my space to crawl, my space to whine and weep and be genuine. Awful things would happen if someone else were to see that.

She sat opposite me, legs crossed, hair let down, wearing absolutely nothing. It took a moment to inscribe the phantasmagoric scenery into my mind. One moment, we were in a park on a school campus, dimly lit with lush greenery and the soothing white noise of flowing water, the next, we sat together in an empty fluorescently lit classroom. Sometimes the scene felt split between two familiar odors, feelings, sights and sounds, even the air’s flavour was stuck between two hazy memories.

Her voice rang into the bellows of my consciousness like a euphony, the epitome of beauty and grace and femininity, an ideal, at the same time a symbol of sorrow, doubt, pity, discord, and isolation. Biting into the forbidden fruit of my soul, a shimmering golden apple, she held it out to reveal it was inscribed with the words “to the fairest”. Innocence lost, the shape of her words finally became known, and with another crisp crunch, the apple was gone.

“Get out of my mind.”

“Get out of my mind.”

“Get out of my mind.”

“Get out of my mind.”

“Get out of my mind.”

Cold and apathetic, she whispered, filling the changing room with her voice.

“Pathetic.”

“Useless.”

“Make them all go away.”

“You should go away.”

“Even here, you are not welcome.”

The scenery dramatically changed, and instead of being everywhere and nowhere at once, the walls around me told me I could only be here, forever. One by one, the walls kept the scenery from interrupting me and her, and by the conclusion, we were in a room with only a white wall and a window, which she sat on the other side of.

“Get out of my mind.”

“Get out of my mind.”

“Get out of my mind.”

“Get out of my mind.”

“Get out of my mind.”

“Now it’s only you.”

“Only you and your thoughts.”

“Only you and your sadness.”

“Only you, forever.”

“If you let them in, you’ll be hurt.”

The window cracked, and her face was split in two by the newly formed imperfection in the glass pane.

“Now it’s only me.”

“Only me and my thoughts.”

“Only me and my sadness.”

“Only me, forever.”

“If I let them in, I’ll be hurt.”

The window in the white room shattered, and the mirror fell to shards, she wasn’t here, it was just me all along, just my and my thoughts, just me forever. I wasn't me. She was I and I was they. If I looked a little closer, i'd notice it was all blurred together, forever.  

[existentialdreadandsass-blog]

2036:Prelude

It seems I have forgotten…

This tale.

This strange, strange tale.

It was one doomed to be forgotten from the start.

And although my life will soon pick up once again.

And the pattern of things will soon return.

And my life will once again become boring, and I will once again become bored.

Before I forget.

I will say, in a way very strange to me, that I loved all of it.

And you.

So until the next time I wake up…

Goodbye.

[existentialdreadandsass-blog]

When I find the moon

When I find the moon I'll finally see myself I'll smile and laugh and feel alright And jump so high I'll touch the stars But I don't know where it went The moon is supposed to be up, there is no up in space So I cannot see myself I cannot laugh, I cannot feel alright All I see are stars Where is up? Where is down? I'm lost Up is where I say it is There i'll find the moon Myself is who I say I am There they are, smiling at me I finally feel alright.