Adventures in Securityland @exneph - Tumblr Blog

I blame a friend for this.

It's been years. I struggle with depression. Apparently. Every day it's just uphill. I feel this life holds nothing for me on a constant; despite all I have.

I fail to see the good in humankind. I despise so much in this world. I'm not fueled by spite, I have no real drive. I just exist.

I'm tired. All the time. I can't communicate how it feels. I don't know how to even explain it without contradicting myself.

I'm an introvert. I don't like to go out. I don't like to talk to people unless absolutely necessary. Which is harmful given my current profession where I have to talk to clients and co-workers daily. I share nothing in common with the latter, and feel I don't belong.

The only way I can get by without offending people is by reading them; letting them speak first, getting a base understanding of who they are; then adopting their views, their mannerisms. It's incredibly difficult doing this daily when speaking with clients, contractors, co-workers, bosses.. And further reflection makes me feel that I'm a blank slate, with no chosen path. Someone who can't make a decision on their own.

I hate this life. I hate who I've become. I hate the world. And yet I can do nothing. Well. I'm sure I can, but I can't bring myself to do so.

I have my first virtual appointment with a psychiatrist soon. Guess it's a first step. I think. I don't know.

That's all. At least all I can write due to travel to another job site. Work. Hooray.

Haven't seen anything fun in a long time. That and I'm losing interest in pretty much everything again. Ah well. Have this gem.

If only it worked that way.

#i still hate hashtags #dusty ass room #normally open or closed?

Been a while.

So, while not dealing with fun job sites, instead have a couple of pictures of the outdoor cat that we've adopted.

He's so friendly. One of our town residents had him fixed, which is another long and amusing story.. but he's been doing great. Love the little stubby tailed guy. Who is also now named Stubbs.

#i still hate hashtags #not a dusty ass room #kitty #big stretch

Because devices need to be installed in areas I hate to climb through.

Supposedly there were lights. Somewhere.

#i still hate hashtags #dusty ass room #succulent housemeat everywhere #instant itchy

Well, something neat. Nothing like power handling in large buildings.

#i still hate hashtags #dusty ass room #yay power #want to push the button

Still nothing fun from sites. However, it snowed.

I fucking love winter.

#i still hate hashtags #not a dusty ass room #weeee #winter

Haven't found anything fun yet at a work site. So, have a picture of one of the most important beings in my life.

#not a dusty ass room #i still hate hashtags #finnish lapphund #the best lapphund

That feeling when you pop a ceiling tile and find out the space is lit better than the area underneath.

#i still hate hashtags #dusty ass room #they painted the windows #it couldve been a mezzanine

Since I haven't found many interesting things at sites this past week, have some birds.

#i still hate hashtags #dusty ass room #birds #northern cardinal #dark eyed junco #house finch #house sparrow #white breasted nuthatch #i think i classified them right

"We need to find the end of line and change out the resistor."

"Where's it at?"

"Somewhere in the basement."

Meanwhile, the basement:

It looped around to the left more at the end, but unfortunately I didn't get video. Also unknown if you could hear children playing upstairs, which added more to the "Why am I here" vibe. Loved the tiny door where I had to crouch-walk through.

#i still hate hashtags #dusty ass room #incredibly dusty ass room #felt abandoned #someone's probably buried down there #Yay trash

So for about three years now I've had a camera up on my roof, so I could watch birds. Throwing snacks out here and there for the crows. Had an unforeseen visitor, though.