This is a journal.

[exphilosophy]

Please let everything be okay, please.

[exphilosophy]

I’m coming home and I swear I’ll never leave you like this again.

[exphilosophy]

Resolutions

Cobra is back and I've become a hermit. I haven't spoken much to anyone really, it's just been about putting myself back to work. Because I owe it to my family now to provide something, to make myself useful. 

All the stress is wearing me down though, running around from venue to venue, event to event. I want to be back in New York, I want to be able to go and unwind. I've posed ideas to William about seeing someone, about him seeming my domme and just sitting down and discussing things with her, and I don't know how that's going to go. 

[6mastermind9]

Inizio giornata, colazione.

[siraxman]

[arkhamscumslut]

theme of the day - whips

[smugkittenn-deactivated20190115]

[exphilosophy]

Ignore Me if You See Me Cuz I Just Don't Give a Shit

Gabe was nobody's bitch. Gabe was not a bad guy.

Depending on who you talked to or who you were.

He was the big tall guy who was reckless and snuck into girl's rooms to make out with them on school trips in hotel rooms. He would pick up the gay kid being pushed around, but he would also target people, the people bigger than him. Was being a bully to bullies really morally correct?

Either way, he was out for anybody who was out for him. Nose kept down only half the time, he loved to scrap with people, whether it be playful or not. Later on he'd realize this was part of his masochism. He wanted to kick some ass or get his ass kicked, he was laughing through both instances. That wouldn't change through his adult years.

So it was there he found himself behind the gym in the parking lot, held against the wall by a big burly football player. It was an adrenaline rush, equivalent to the kind he got when he was practicing bass. He was grinning and the jock wasn't having it, but he felt so good. He was the hero of his own shitty life, he was in control of all of this.

The guy got in a few punches, but that was it, that was all Gabe was going to let him have. He had cracked him across the face and then uppercutted his nose and it was all over for the both of them. They stumbled back to class with damage done to both of their faces.

But it was worth it, it was a battle wound. He might not win the war, but Gabe would always win the battle.

[exphilosophy]

Through Being Cool

If there was one thing Gabe was, it was unafraid of high school.

It was early fall, leaves were everywhere, upperclassmen were watching from the steps like birds of prey, sniggering, giggling, smirking birds of prey.

He wanted to flip them off.

But he'd promised he'd be good and keep himself out of trouble. And it's not like he got into it in the first place, trouble seemed to follow him. He was reckless and he knew it but he wasn't stupid. Well, at least when his friends weren't around. That was the thing though, he was "that guy" who people could get to do anything.

Speaking of anything, he was halfway to his locker when he noticed a group of cheerleaders clustered around the water fountain. Short skirts, thigh high socks (he'd be really into those later in life), a freshman's wet dream. The words were out of his mouth before he could even process them.

It was just a "good morning ladies" in Spanish, but he'd practically purred it, without meaning to. At nearly six foot tall at only fifteen, Gabe later realized he probably didn't look like a freshman. So the stories about him being some exchange student could have very well rung true.

The amount of closets he nearly got pulled into to make out that day, was a ridiculous number.

[sukitteiina-yo-deactivated20170]

[valkaels]

[exphilosophy]

I'll Move Myself and My Family Aside

Ricky, age twelve was watching him play guitar on the porch steps of their temporary guardian's house. Temporary in the sense that Diego hadn't wanted to call her their "baby sitter" as Gabe was too old for one. In actuality, he should be the one watching Ricky, just him, alone. But he'd been told he was still to be a kid, not to have the responsibility of completely taking care of his younger sibling. Parents always pulled that shit. They wanted you to step up but yet they wanted you to be a kid. 

"Guess."

He was in a good mood though, guitar pick between his teeth as he tuned, eyes watching strings tighten. This was supposed to be some kind of "vacation" from home while their father was still trying to get his doctorate in the US. Hence the glorified babysitter in the form of a little old woman who insisted on calling him "Gabriel" and force feeding him baked goods.

Strumming a couple of chords, he couldn't help but mumble under his breath a little.

"I need an easy friend I do with an ear to lend I don't think you fit this shoe I do won't you have a clue."

"It's by that Nirvana, right?" Ricky sounded hopeful, vying for approval. And he was right, but at the same time he knew that the whole house was pretty aware of his affinity for anything Cobain related. Still, the sentiment was nice.

"Yeah, 'About a Girl'." Gabe obliged him, smiling softly before letting out a little sigh. They were on their own together now, in a way. Shit, Ricky was on his own. Which wasn't fair, not at all. Family came before stupid high school hijinks with friends, before music. But at the same time, Gabe knew music was what would maybe get them out of here, out of the poverty stricken state of their broken little family.

"I love you, kiddo." he all but mumbled, letting go of the neck of the acoustic to wrap his arm around his brother's side, lips pressing to the side of his head.

I love you and I'm going to get us out of all of this one day.

"Don't be weird." Ricky scoffed, though it still sounded mildly affectionate. "Come to the corner store with me. I saved quarters for ice cream bars."

Normally, he'd have chastised him for ruining his dinner or complained that they'd just eaten, or even mumbled about having too many sweets to begin with. But hey, they were on "vacation" and had some time to bond.

"Bet I could race you there."

[fouette]

sleeping in your boyfriend’s arms has got to be the most safest and comfortable place in this world

[exphilosophy]

This feels so good. Like I'm not just sitting around watching my friends anymore, I'm actually doing something. It's almost like its own headspace.

[exphilosophy]

It makes me feel awful to see these gif captions as if the dom is just saying their sub is just their's to fuck and abuse and that's not fucking it at all. These are all little tumblr girls and boys who have a mild kink and then turned it into something awful and perpetuate the stereotype. I don't want William to see it like that.

[exphilosophy]

OH HUN I AM SORRY WHAT EVEN IS YOUR CAREER?????

[exphilosophy]

It's a weird feeling to really want you and then to be afraid I'm going to hurt you. Or bother you into it because I want it. I actually feel kind of like you only want to appease me.