soliloquies of me

insanity in the making, marked by poems, wonderings, and rambling thoughts. (I can be found more reliably at thornhasalife)

[exploraity]

this world was never built for me

"Smile and move forward, You'll get there one day." But no one can detail How emptiness weighs. My single bed shudders. My hands grasp with pain. And peering for futures Just makes my eyes strain.

[exploraity]

tomorrow comes

even when we are not ready to see it

[exploraity]

pulling back

I’m bracing for the same old fall with bruises hardly healed. My mind plays out the coming blows my heart already feels.

Each superstition seems so real; I see what isn’t there. I wish I could believe in you. This really isn’t fair.

[exploraity]

resistance

You are a warm cup of milk that seeps through my body reminding my limbs what heat is. But my mouth flinches at the memory of scalded tongues.

You are a cliff standing tall and terrifying with a view I long to see. But my stomach lurches at the height of the fall. You are the smell of baking bread, filled with the hearty promise of comfort and nourishment. But my nose itches with the residue of burnt toast.

[exploraity]

failure

My skin is itchy,

Lungs too tight.

I want to scream.

I want to fight.

Each shaky step

Is far too small.

My sorrow bleeds.

My spirit falls.

[exploraity]

sorry

The words on my tongue taste of guilt and remorse and the ‘sorry’s inside me bleed out scratches and sores.

You say I’m enough for you, Tell me it’s fine. But all your words echo With sounds of a lie.

[exploraity]

fold

Screams of past trauma Won’t leave me alone. They echo and taunt me, And turn me to stone.

I’m empty, unwanted, I’ll never be whole. I’m tired. I’m broken. I give up. I fold.

[exploraity]

4:29

Coffee shop whispers Will never be mine. And honestly I wish I thought that was fine.

[exploraity]

weathering

I wish I could write In the ways I once could. With the flash of a feeling That burned where I stood. I wish I felt mountains And cavernous tones, But nothing remains here. Just echoes and stone.

[exploraity]

i never was good at dancing

The future is a gaping hole

That no one seems to see.

But then again, no passing glance

Has ever paused on me.

We're two in one, the void and I,

Both hidden from fate's plan.

We're left alone to stumble through

Our clumsy unseen dance.

[exploraity]

ghosting

The day we kissed

I cried for hours.

Your lips awoke my fear.

I cannot be

Enough for you.

Be done with me. Steer clear.

[exploraity]

doing math

it's been some time

i thought i'd be a better person now.

yet with just one conversation

no more hope and ease abound.

i've longed and tried so long,

but maybe it can never be

cause in all these equations

all the common threads are me.

[exploraity]

tornado

I'm not in my body.

My eyes cannot see.

My brain is just swirling.

I'm nauseous, at sea.

-

The future looms, leering,

but I'm still half-baked.

I'm trapped by my twisting,

entangled in Fate.

[exploraity]

weight gain

The eyes of the doctor press, questioning, into the stillness of the room. Your breath is tight, but the words come anyways. The pills, you say, have been adding weight. Lots of weight. You want to change, to try something new.

“How do you know?” they ask.

Breathing deeply, you sketch out the long days of frustration: the bottoms that dont fit after a few short weeks, the tops that hug awkwardly around your swelling midriff, your hearty efforts to exercise, the teary nights trying to deduce the reason behind this seemingly random loss of control.

“But how are you eating?” comes the cool reply.

You pause, walking the line between self doubt and anxiety. This would-be lifeline has become an interrogation. Short of breath and vaguely dizzy, you describe the diet you know isn’t perfect. Too many carbs. Too many sugars. Only a vaguely passable level of vegetables. And that damn job in chocolate.

A poignant pause fills their eyes. Chocolate? The obvious culprit. Can you just stop eating at work? Ignore the request of your higher ups to accurately describe and depict? Of course you could, but you digress.

The job is not the problem….

(Can you be sure of that, though?)

A shimmering ghastly doubt sneaks out of your heart. What if you’re just fat? After all, there’s not much in your favour. You’re polycystic. You’re gluten intolerant. You’re genetically prone. You’re this. You’re that.

It’s your fault.

They change your prescription.

Okay.

They tell you you don’t have to look at the numbers swing up the scale as they note them down.

You do. You’re scared.

The door swings closed, your hope struggling against the force of the hinges. The battle begins.

[exploraity]

phantom

I’m tired of all these phantom pains From living all alone. I want to stand up strong and firm, Despite my heart of stone. I’m sick of wasting all this time Pretending I don’t care When ghosts I used to grasp with love Turn swiftly into air.

[exploraity]

ache

I want to forget you, erase what I feel, To take all these shards from my heart. I want to forget that these feelings are real, Let everything go and restart.

I want to be fine with the way they all talk, Those stares and those wide longing eyes. I want to let go, to accept that you're gone, But it's killing my heart just to try.

[exploraity]

traits

I shouldn't hate that awkward smile, Its crooked, happy line With teeth that peek out, small and shy, All ordered, straightened, fine.

I shouldn't hate that mess of hair, Its soft, persistent frizz. The way it curls and waves and bends, Content with how it is.

I shouldn't hate those weakened eyes, Their squinting stormy blues That fill with salty ocean tides When faced with cold harsh truth.

I shouldn't hate this empty heart, The way it aches with time. But really what I shouldn't hate Is that all these are mine.