Our Lady of the Damp and Rain @exquisitefrogprince - Tumblr Blog

matchagirl

fmd-art

❤️💮

animentality

creekfiend

sometimes kind and effective are the same thing when it comes to social interactions. sometimes people get mad bc they interpret stuff i am saying like "be kind to people who do x because they deserve it" when what I'm really saying is "approaching this kindly in this specific way will make the other person more able to hear your feedback without becoming defensive and thus hopefully improve your communication with them and thus the relationship"

I'm not responding gently to my terrible grandmother's passive aggressive bids for attention because it's kind and she deserves it. I'm doing it because responding gently to her passive aggressive bids for attention is the more effective method of getting the outcome I want in my interactions with her in the future. 🤷 I know sometimes I make this sound like supervillain shit but like honest to god. sometimes the emotional impulse IS TO PUNISH bc punishment feels good. it feels good to pretend I have no idea why she means and watch her dig herself into a deeper and deeper hole trying to escalate her passive aggression until she gets a reaction! but it's not effective at accomplishing anything. I don't want to have visits with her wherein I spend hours pretending I am unable to pick up on her increasingly angry bullshit. if I can cut it off and redirect her by politely inquiring clarification about what she is trying to say to me, I vastly prefer the outcome of that option. it has the additional benefit of her interpreting it as a kindness that I am showing her. this makes her feel positively towards me and decreases chances of antagonist behavior at future visits.

idk. people are like "well that's not my responsibility it's her responsibility" sure. okay. but I'm not doing it because I think it's my responsibility to compensate for her poor communication skills. I'm doing it as part of my sinister strategy to experience less aversive grandmother visits. its not actually more emotional labor than the ignoring method for me. 🤷

creekfiend

although if we ARE talking about passive aggression my technique is generally (and I have had a LOT OF PRACTICE developing it lmao) is to interpret what I think they're implying and then say "are you asking me to (x)?" in a very polite tone with a friendly (sincere! not mocking!) smile. I find that this often 1. ceases the tiresome cycle of ignoring passive aggressive behavior -> behavior escalates -> ignore it -> it escalates, and on and on that you get if you simply ignore it, 2. lets the person know that in the future they can just fucking ask you directly for god's sake, and very importantly 3. although I strive not to sound condescending when I do this, it is inescapably and obviously something that I learned to say when talking to toddlers. the people I use this with the most (mostly older female relatives but not infrequently on men as well) will often catch a hint of that and sort of realize that their method of approaching me was childish, not in a derogatory sense, but in the sense that they don't need to try to get me to do stuff in the way they got used to working in the past. they can do it differently.

obviously how effective this is varies wildly based on the relationship, or lack thereof, that you have with the other person. but I find it effective with people who are In Your Life but don't meaningfully have any control over you. quite often it DOES result in increased directness in the future, especially if it's something I end up doing fairly often. and it's not rude; I'm just politely seeking clarification about what is being communicated. it makes the person have to think about what effect they were expecting their behavior to have on my behavior, and then just... tell me straightforwardly. but without escalating the situation or making the person feel 'called out' most of the time.

its very simple but I so much more often see people say "always ignore passive aggressive communication" and while I think that's absolutely a good approach much of the time, especially especially from strangers. it is not especially EFFECTIVE at helping them change how they're approaching communicating with you in the future. in my experience. so. I prefer to use my method when I determine that it might be effective.

gayofgaymark2

I use this technique on my grandmother a lot.

She frequently makes requests by telling me what I want, eg "oh wouldn't you like to.." "don't you think it's be nice if..."

It used to drive me up the wall, but now as an adult with better understanding of what's happening I say "Actually I'm fine with x, but I'd be happy to do y if that's what you want?"

One day she actually asked me, "Why is it so important to you that I say that y is what I want?"

and i got to say "Well I don't like being told what I want. I have enough life experience to know my own desires and limitations, and I can advocate for them when I need to. However your opinions do matter to me and I want to take them into account. It's much less stressful for me to do so when I'm not guessing what's in your mind."

And folks, she Actually Listened.

Later that day she wanted something that ended up not being possible, but because she said so directly I was able to help her find a different way to achieve the same goal!

She still slips up, of course, but it was so good to see her Understand.

creekfiend

I love thissssss. yes I have had similar experiences modeling this behavior for older female relatives. I think a lot of them got real used to having to be indirect to get their needs met and it becomes maladaptive but they get stuck.

toasthag

me .01 seconds after emphatically saying yes to plans

pastabot

nsfw

nobody’s safe from wonderwall

goth-gay

You never know if today is gonna be the day that they’re gonna throw it back to you

someguyiguess-deactivated202511

spiders have got to figure out contracting I need to be able to call my local spiders union and be like "hey can you send a guy out for a few days the fruit flies are back" and then pay it in spider currency. I'll learn the conversion rates. I'll be generous with my rounding. please.

wizardarchetypes

i think avoidance is such a little-recognized ocd compulsion. all the time i talk to people with ocd who are like "i was always having intrusive thoughts about using kitchen knives and harming myself or others but i'm okay now because i just stopped using knives ever 👍 so i'm good now"

and i'm like unfortunately i have bad news.

lilith-tokisaki

Signed Victorian Silver cherub heart locket pendant.

organicmatter

i fucking love when halloween music is just surf rock with a ghoul laughing in the background

memewhore

natalieironside

spooky youtube guys will be like "Here's the big scoop on a secret conspiracy nobody knows about but I was able to uncover the dark, hidden, unknown truth with my groundbreaking research" and then tell u abt stuff they read on wikipedia