Commander Peepers

I am Commander Peepers, Lord Hater's right-hand man and the commander of the Watchdog Army! Ask me something and I'll try to get to it when I find the time.

[c3rvida3]

It is so, so fucking vital to your health and safety to be in cahoots with at least one person at all times.

[eyeballcommander]

@monarchofmayhem

[shirtsthatgohard]

[eyeballcommander]

@albertbutyoucancallmebert

(Previous) “Okay, so, this is a little bit better..,” Bert started, his voice quieting. He scooched his chair closer to Peepers and stared intensely into his eye. “You might already have an inkling of this… And it is imperative that this is kept so very secret from everyone. But Teddy and I have our own big plans to assassinate that bastard of a bishop. We are assessing our options.” Bert then leaned back in his chair and gestured dismissively. “Oh, and there is this other Glornist that is working with Teddy on this. The priest, Mike. Don’t know if I trust him completely, though.”

Peepers tilted his head to the side in confusion. A little better? Well, he supposed that anything else they did seemed mild in comparison to murder attempts...

When Bert moved closer and stared into his eye he did the same. Then he wildly grinned as he exclaimed, “That’s great!”

Peepers scanned the room for potential evesdroppers before leaning so far forward that their faces were nearly touching.

“The one with the thin glass?” He put his hand to his chin as he whispered, “Y’know... I’ve suspected that he’s the one really running the show for a while now...” Peepers briefly paused to consider what he’d say next.

“...And the Glornists only take my threats seriously when I get Teddy to “leak” my plans... So I can’t say I’m surprised about wanting to overthrow a useless liability... He knew that feeling all to well. But when it came down to it he was too loyal to Lord Hater to even seriously consider it. “Although he’d probably get rid of Teddy if he became one himself...”

Then he smiled again. “Anyways: How can I help?”

[eyeballcommander]

@albertbutyoucancallmebert

(Previous) Bert let out his own forlorn sigh. “Um, probably. I heard from Teddy that he heard from another Glornist that Percival has big plans for him. We don’t know what those plans entail but we can not imagine it’s anything good.”

Peepers let out a frustrated groan while clutching his head. “Well that’s just great!”

Then he reluctantly asked, “So what else am I missing?”

[eyeballcommander]

@albertbutyoucancallmebert

(Previous) Bert frowned deeply as he watched Peepers pace and gesture, knowing all too well how he must be feeling. He particularly sunk when he mentioned how honest Teddy used to be. “I am sorry, Commander. This is exactly why I am here today, to tell you everything.” He paused for a moment when he realized he was hiding the fact that Teddy killed Sam. He figured it wasn’t a good idea to confess that to anybody, especially when he was to go on trial soon. Hell, Peepers would probably be proud to hear that he bumped off a Glornist, though! After a moment, Bert offered, “Is there anything you might have a question about?”

“Yeah.” Peepers plopped down in his seat with a sigh. “What else have they done? Better yet: Is anyone else trying to kill him and/or his loved ones?”

[eyeballcommander]

@albertbutyoucancallmebert

(Previous) Bert flinched when Peepers slammed his hands on the table, he looked at him wide-eyed. “Ah… He never told you..,” Bert said in a small voice. “It surely was an attempt on his life…”

“No! All he ever says is,” Peepers air quoted, I’m fine!”

He started to pace while wildly gesturing with his hands. “I shouldn’t have believed him! But he used to be so honest! It was only a matter of asking the right questions!”

Then he groaned and clutched his head. “No, I was just pretending to believe him because it was easier than confronting reality! Even if he obviously isn’t!”

[eyeballcommander]

@albertbutyoucancallmebert

(Previous) Bert sighed and ran his hand over his head. “Well… He once told me he was holding back. Worried that they would exploit his strength, or something to that degree. Which unfortunately made him a big target for Sam… The one that died.” He gestured with his hands as he continued, “And that Glornist really had it out for him. Remember when Teddy dislocated his shoulder? That was Sam. Remember when Teddy’s brother was stabbed? That was Sam. So now Amy, the friend, probably thinks he did it in retaliation, or something like that.”

Peepers continued to nod along to Bert’s explanation right up until he said that Teddy became a big target. He sighed. “Guess that’s the cost of avoiding their dirty work...”

When Peepers heard the true cause of Teddy’s injury he grimaced. Then Bert dropped an even bigger bombshell. He leapt to his feet and slammed his hands on the table as he exclaimed,

“They what!? Was it just an attack or were they trying to kill him!?”

[eyeballcommander]

@albertbutyoucancallmebert

(Previous) Bert fretted during the long pause, but soon smiled with hope when Commander Peepers said he’d staff the crime department. His smile faded when he asked about Teddy being a suspect. Bert averted his eye as he briefly considered his answer, then again met Peepers’ gaze. “A suspect in the death of a Glornist. Their friend thinks he did it, so that is why she attacked him yesterday. It has been going on since they went missing after that devastating battle against Sourdough’s forces.”

“But why now? Hasn’t it been awhile?”

Peepers pushed his food aside, then crossed his arms and leaned towards Bert. He had a hunch that it didn't start there.

“Better yet: Why him? Do they even know that he can fight?”

[eyeballcommander]

@albertbutyoucancallmebert

(Previous) Bert set his sandwich down and again faced Commander Peepers. “Teddy—Dr. Walters of the C.A.P.T. Project—was attacked by a Glornist yesterday. He is unharmed, physically. But the attacker is at large, with no one to look for her.” He leaned an elbow on the table. “Because she is at large, Teddy fears for his life and is in protective custody. But no one is there to guard him for very long, so he can only stay a few days. After that…” Bert averted his gaze. “His other choice is turning himself in as a crime suspect…” But he quickly looked the commander in the eye again to drive his point home. “The Glornists have been allowed to fester and cause problems unchecked for far too long. The Crime Department does not have the resources to deal with them. Now that my friends are being harmed, I must raise more of a fuss about it! So please,” Bert clasped his hands in front of his face and pleaded, “Let the crime department expand!”

In any other situation Peepers would wonder if he needed to remind Bert that he knew who Teddy was. Yet as horror dawned over him at the mere mention of their mutual friend's name he realized that there were far bigger concerns.

Peepers nodded along as Bert continued to present his plea for help with his eye stuck as wide as it could go. And every time Bert emphasized how there was nobody to protect Teddy, he grimaced.

There was a long pause after Bert finished speaking. Finally Peepers said to himself, “Grop. They’re not in anyone's jurisdiction...”

Peepers got his phone out to cancel the rest of the day's meetings as he said, “Look, I’ll start shuffling people around as soon as possible. But...” He took a deep breath before staring into Bert’s eye.

“Suspect for what? How long has this been going on?”

[eyeballcommander]

@albertbutyoucancallmebert

(Previous) “Oh, where to start,” Bert sighed. He took off his glass and set it on the table. He turned to face Peepers. “I will start with this, because it affects what else I have to tell you. Commander, the Crime Department needs help. Inspector Heath needs help! The staffing situation is pitiful!” He took a bite out of his sandwich.

Commander Peepers tilted his head in confusion. Not because he was unaware of how the Crime Department had fallen, but because he didn’t actually see it as a problem.

The Crime Department simply seemed redundant when the Hater Army was ruled by military law. So when high-ranking officers chipped away at it to get them out of the way he had no qualms with letting it happen. (And he dealt with said officers personally.)

Yet he knew better than to say that in this situation. Peepers decided to prod Bert to figure out why he was so concerned.

“What’s the other thing?”

[eyeballcommander]

@albertbutyoucancallmebert

(Previous) Bert brightened and rushed over to sit next to Peepers. He set his backpack in the seat next to him and unzipped the front cover to release Sherri Jr, but the old sleepy rat opted to stay curled up inside. As he did so, he chimed, “Hallo, Commander! It is nice to see you. Thank you for meeting with me!” He started unpacking his club sandwich lunch. “It’s going, well…” His demeanor fell from bright and happy to grim and serious. “It is going not great.”

“No problemo!” Peepers exclaimed. “It’s good to see you again!”

Then his own smile fell when Bert’s demeanor shifted. “What’s going on?”

[albertbutyoucancallmebert]

Yesterday was a lot. Amy made an attempt on Teddy's life, Bert almost thought he died when it took a while to return a text, they learned about the sad state of the crime department, Bert professed his love, and then Teddy was locked up.

But now it was a new day. Bert's highest priorities were closely related and both involved Commander Peepers. One was to follow up on the promise he made to Inspector Heath by asking him to beef up the crime department. The other was to complain about the Glornists and fill him in on their affairs.

Even though these were serious matters to discuss, Bert was giddy to see the commander. He always was! But he especially was now because it had been a while since the two of them spent time together, given their busy schedules and piles of projects.

Bert galloped up to the commander's war room, lunch in hand and rat in backpack. He swiped his card and strolled on in, excitedly looking for him.

@eyeballcommander

[eyeballcommander]

Peepers was admittedly nervous about what Bert had to say after being so uncharacteristically serious. He picked at his zoodles as he pondered on what could be bothering him. Was another lieutenant harassing him? Or... was it the Glornists? The latter seemed more likely.

When Bert excitedly walked in he let out a relieved sigh and waved to him. “Hey Bert! How’s it going?”

[eyeballcommander]

How does it feel to be the watchdog representative of the lgbtq community aboard the skullship?

Who said I am? Don’t you think I’m a little too ~problematic~ for that?

[eyeballcommander]

Respectable and fearsome Commander Peepers, I have something important I would like to discuss with you. Preferably in person. When and where would be a good time to meet? I know you are busy but I would greatly appreciate this.

Hey Bert! What's up? You know you don’t have to be so formal with me!

How about we do lunch in the lieutenant break room?

Wait no, my war room. This is something confidential, isn’t it?

[albertbutyoucancallmebert]

Yes, that sounds perfect. I will see you at lunch time! Thank you Commander!

[eyeballcommander]

Great! See ya there!

[eyeballcommander]

Respectable and fearsome Commander Peepers, I have something important I would like to discuss with you. Preferably in person. When and where would be a good time to meet? I know you are busy but I would greatly appreciate this.

Hey Bert! What's up? You know you don’t have to be so formal with me!

How about we do lunch in the lieutenant break room?

Wait no, my war room. This is something confidential, isn’t it?

[eyeballcommander]

Can get money for eating metals, question? Amaze amaze amaze!

Where sign up, question?

The toxicology department would love you! And you’ll make a killing! Don’t worry, there a measures in place to send your paycheck to a recipient of your choice in the event where you unable to collect it personally

All you have to do is submit an application on:

https//uww.skullship.gov/research/toxicology/volunteer

Or, if you're a watchdog, you could request a referral from the medbay to simplify the process.

[eyeballcommander]

Cowardice from the commander of the hater empire….. utter cowardice. I eat rubidium all the time with NO consequences.

Hey, I bet you could make easy money if you participated in a case study!

Send me the results when you do, alright? Because it’d be pretty interesting if it’s true!