The fear of rejection and not being good enough
Social Anxiety Disorder or so its called SAD (thereâs a pill for that too) is a "Condition" many people struggle with and was my reality most of my life. I never understood why until recently I had so much fear around people. I just assumed it was something I was born with. Something I was cursed with. Something I just had to accept for the rest of my life.
Having issues in nearly all social situations I was terrified of and masked those fears in some manner with adaptive behavior or seclusion. I accepted my condition and never thought or learned that I could change these feelings and belief system. I became so adept at hiding it and though I worked in public relations, DJing, acting and front of the house management no one knew the struggle was real.
Some of my insane crazy behavior I hid from others:
- Not going into stores to browse because I was embarrassed not to buy anything. (Because what right do I have to bother the shopkeepers if I wasnât spending any money)
- Not leaving my room if I could hear someone was in the living area for fear of the awkwardness of saying hi, even to my roommates. (Because its rude to come into the room and then go back into my room without hanging out for a while)
- Being trapped in my house if my neighbor is outside gardening or fixing something. (Because I never make an effort to talk to my neighbor so he knows Iâm only being friendly because I have to because I see him)
- Not being able to leave a party until very last because it was awkward to say goodbye to some or all the people at once (who and how do I say goodbye to, handshake, hug, nod, blow kisses?)
- Leaving said party by "going to the bathroom" and then just walking out the front door or deliberately slipping out unnoticed while guests are distracted in other conversations so that you don't have to say goodbye to anyone (no one will even realize I've left or they won't care anyways because there are plenty of other people to entertain them and they don't need me).
- Pretending not to see people I knew in a restaurant to avoid the awkwardness of saying hi and then offering to sit or not sit with them and the rejection involved in making that decision. (Are we close enough to sit together or are we not close and its not even a consideration?)
- Or turning to face another direction when seeing someone I knew in a restaurant to avoid the awkwardness of having or not having to get up and say hi to them (Thus spending the rest of the meal having anxiety about if our eyes meet ruining your entire meal. Using a phone helps to make this distraction a lot easier. âOh Wow I was on my phone, I didnât see you thereâ)
- Finding all the restaurants you can go to daily without bumping into anyone else you know. (Absolute paradise and peace as far as social anxiety is concerned)
- Being paralyzed from offering my food to share with friends for being rejected and taking it personally if they didnât want any and then not offering and feeling like a selfish ass. (If they donât want to try my food then I must be bad at choosing food everyone likes)
- Totally avoiding eye contact of someone you know at a party because you canât remember for the life of you their name. (Youâve already used âHey Man" too much for own good)
- Finally saying hi to someone in the party that you know has seen you but is suffering from the same social anxiety and acts like they never saw you and its great to bump into you by coincidence. ("Oh man, I didnât know you were here!")
- Nearly getting hit by a motorbike because you saw someone you know crossing the street with you but you feel so awkward to stay and talk that you jump into the street without really looking. (true story)
Bali definitely is a place that will force you to confront these social anxieties or constantly be reminded that you live with them and you arenât making much progress. The endless supply of parties, social events, gatherings and sunset meetups repeatedly put you out there and can help hone those abilities of social interaction or hone the ability to mask your deficiencies in those situations. The second was true for me and I became a master of wearing masks. And no one was the wiser until I decided to take off all those masks.
There are many different ways to approach this problem from the desire to pop a pill for it, conventional and alternative therapies, and exercises in confidence building. But most of these approaches treat the symptom of social anxiety instead of the underlying cause of it which actually creates these feelings.
Beneath my anxiety was a feeling of unworthiness, a lack of confidence, an insecurity and fear all really pointing back to issues of self love. If I didnât love myself then how could I feel good enough or equal in the presence of others. This void or lack of my own worth constantly created a fear of rejection and non acceptance by others.
This lack of complete self love and acceptance is a serious problem. Itâs a deep core issue many of us face. Not feeling good enough, not worthy enough, afraid of rejection. Not having been expressed enough unconditional love growing up creates a serious imbalance that can take years to overcome, and that if you ever come to the conclusion that this is one of your core beliefs. Unfortunately many of us do not achieve this kind of consciousness in our own lives.
It took me 38 years to finally heal and learn how to love myself unconditionally. This turned out to be my Goliath but I didnât even know it was my Goliath until last year. I spent the last 12 years on my own personal healing journey but didn't become aware of this until then.
As I began to heal, learn to love myself, and ultimately forgive myself for the pain I created in my life these social anxiety issues started to dissolve away. Over the last year I have seen them literally cease to even come into my experience. Most of them, not all. Iâm still on my journey but I feel like a huge corner has been turned in finding my own self worth and love. I now feel good enough, worthy to others and confident of my own existence.
Is there any aspect of your life where you feel unworthy, lack the confidence or fear rejection that causes paralyzing behavior instead of a desired action?
