spark.
june 7th 2025
my appearance has changed a lot since i had eden. for the most part, i like the changes. or at least i don't mind them. i got stretch marks and my lower body grew much wider. my chi-chis have grown. my acne has gotten a lot better. my hair is denser and heathier. i do have a lot of new insecurities now, though. my arms aren't as small. my tummy isn't as skinny as it was before. the stretch marks are wide and itchy. they're everywhere on my lower half. my face has gained some weight. it goes past just appearances, though. im too lazy to go out and do things. i'm not as motivated in doing a good job in my career. since becoming pregnant, i've become so comfortable with how things are now. don't get things twisted, however. i don't regret having my babies. i’m just aware that i have to work harder towords what i want. i have more things to balance and adjust my plan(s) to.
i find myself reminiscing on what life was like 2 years ago. how i looked, the energy i had, the energy i put into things. i miss how much time me and matthew spent together. i miss the routine we quickly formed. i miss enjoying the way i looked and dressing up for work everyday. i miss not being so insecure that i loved taking sexy pictures and doing intimate things. i miss having the energy to go out with friends. i miss having a clean home. i miss hanging out in the kitchen while matthew cooked dinner. i miss enjoying a home cooked meal at the end of each day. i miss the chemistry we had with each other. i miss spending time out on the patio. i miss our little walmart trips. i miss enjoying each day and just being happy with how life is going. i miss taking silly videos and cute selfies. i miss the girl in my snapchat memories.
at the same time, i love a lot of the new things. i love waking eden up in the morning. i love playing with her and watching her learn new things. i love now excited she gets when one of us gets home. i love watching my little girl experience life for the first time. i love going over to gigi and pop-pops house every week. i love now much she loves her dad. i love how much her dad loves being a dad. i love watching him learn and become a fantastic father. i love talking about them everyday at work. i love being a mom. i love how long my nails have grown. i love how dense my hair has grown. i love feeling little man move and kick around in my tummy. i love the new friends i have. i love how i’ve progressed as a tattoo artist. overall, i love the person that i’ve become over the years. is it really impossibe to have both?
most people will tell you that you loose everything from your past life after you have kids. that having kids means you can't have the things you had before. having little ones means your life is ruined. i think the thing you may loose is your energy. that’s how it is for me, at least. not because all your energy is going towards the kids, but because you have to find it again. it’s taking a little more work for me. more effort. i think it's perfecty reasonable to believe you can find your spark again. for me, i feels like i'm constantly trying to catch up on sleep from the new born trenches. of course, it is different now. my plans and my schedule don't just include me now. i have another person (and soon 2 other people) to include. i have to make sure they are taken care of while also taking care of myself. i have to include them in any "perfect" schedule i set for myself. i can't just decide to start going to the gym. i have to plan my gym time around matthew’s schedule, so he can be home with the kids. when i plan out my daily schedule, i have to include their needs and fun activities for them. it's absolutely possible to do, i just need a little more disipline.
i love being a mom. i just want some of the old me back too.