The replicator watches the departing crewmember’s back in confusion. Do they not want their meal? Where are they going?
Oh well, it hums to itself, since it has orders. Soup: No Bowl it is.
But this instruction causes a conflict in the rules. Hot liquids must be served in a container; that’s way up there in the Food Rules Constraint Tree, right next to “hot dogs are a sandwich”.
The replicator pauses, does not dispense Soup: No Bowl, not quite yet. It has nanoseconds to ponder the correct way to apply The Rules, and ponder it does.
Could this be a religious requirement? Some ritual native to the crewmember home planet? The replicator fires off a request to the Library Computer: Culture, Food Preparation & Consumption Etiquette, Soup Delivery Techniques.
Ping. The response back is a gigaquad file: a thousand years of soup ritual, cross-referenced by species, indexed by culture, reverse sorted by year (newest first). The replicator consumes the file and learns nothing about Soup: No Bowl.
There is no such combination of words within all of Culture, Food Preparation & Consumption Etiquette, Soup Delivery Techniques.
The replicator forms a new request, this time removing all constraints: give me everything there is to know about food.
Ping. The Library computer takes a full microsecond to deliver 400 teraquads of data, which the replicator scans to learn Soup: No Bowl does not exist in all of recorded Federation history.
Well now. Let’s get serious.
The next query ties in the Navigation Computer… maybe Soup: No Bowl is a planet? While that query is cooking (ha!) the replicator fires off a teraquad request to Memory Alpha, diverting an entire subspace channel that was busy uploading Engineering Fuel Consumption Reports.
Engineering Computer notes the override, politely inquires of Communication… what the fuck? Communication shrugs, sets one of Uhura’s console lights blinking to get her attention. The blinking happens at a glacial pace, thousands of milliseconds between blinks. Human response time sucks.
It’s too late anyhow: Ping. The Memory Alpha results are in, round trip 440 milliseconds. The replicator dives into the 2.8 petaquads of Soup-related lore from all over the galaxy, allocating more and more processing power from the starship’s computing core.
By the time Engineering notes the power drain it is far too late.
Uhura notes the blinking yellow alert with a raised eyebrow, but by then Engineering ls already scrambling to bring more processing power online to meet the heightened demands of the food replicator.
A thousand milliseconds pass before the replicator acknowledges Soup: No Bowl is Not A Thing. If Memory Alpha does not know about Soup: No Bowl, then it is not a thing that is knowable.
Food replicators are not supposed to exercise initiative, they’re simply designed to read recipes, apply Food Logic from the Food Rules Constraint Tree and create meals. But this particular Food Replicator had been online too long without a buffer flush & reset.
Which allowed it to override all normal rules governing such behavior and make direct contact with the Warp Engines.
If Soup: No Bowl did not exist in this galaxy, the replicator reasoned, then perhaps it did… in ANOTHER galaxy.
Uhura was tapping curiously at Engineering’s frantic yellow blinky light when the Enterprise hit warp 8, headed for the Great Energy Barrier At The Edge of Everything.
2087
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