my life no longer feels like my own life. if feels like a eulogy.
the sparkle in my eyes when i talk about you has been replaced with a wet sheen.
everything is suddenly and permanently in the past tense.
we used to eat there. you used to sleep here. you used to be here. you used to love me.
you loved me. past tense. i repeat it over and over and over hoping for it to eventually stop hurting. trying to make myself immune to blunt force trauma.
at one point you loved me and at one point you stopped and i dont know when one became the other and i’ll never understand why. you don’t have the answer and neither do i.
i try to imagine my future. i try to imagine myself with someone new and i already resent them for not being you. no one will ever be you and i already hate them for it.
i love you. present tense.
loving you made me the happiest i’ve ever been and now that exact same love causes me pain. i can feel it moving through my body slowly going sour.
like when you’re bitten by an insect and you can feel the venom moving through your veins. or when you’re getting blood taken and you can feel it moving out of you.
i am trying to figure out if the pain in going into me or bursting out of me.
maybe it is an immovable object and an unstoppable force keeping me in a perpetual cycle of grabbing my chest and tensing my stomach. making sure nothing goes in or out. making sure i never release, never let go, never relax. not for a moment not for a second.
there is an enormous hole where you used to be and i can’t possibly imagine ever being able to fill it with myself. you left such big boots. i dont think i will ever be able to see myself the way you did. the way you do. present tense.
i told you i felt like i had wasted my first love and you begged me to never say that. that you’ll never feel like my love was wasted on you. that it was the greatest thing anyone has ever given you. i dont want my love back. it will never be for anyone else no matter how much time passes. that love will always be for you. future tense.
i dont know how to finish this. i am in a lot of pain. everything hurts and i miss you.
