He had never seen her like this before; so emotionally broken down that she was completely falling apart. He felt the strong urge, the need to pick up the pieces. This was his fault for causing her to break down; he had been the one to start this conversation. Strange as it was, though, it gave him the tiniest fraction of relief just to hear that she didn’t know, either, when they’d stopped talking. But the more he thought about it– Was he really being fair here? Had it really all been on her side? He’d gotten so caught up in his new life here–first with tourney, and then with R.O.A.R.– and he’d been so busy with classes and homework and practice, that he hadn’t even noticed how overwhelmed she’d felt under all the royal pressures of becoming a lady of the court; he hadn’t realized how much she’d been struggling until she’d ran off to the Isle, back before cotillion. She’d had a breakdown then, but nothing like this. How much more pressure was she under now that she wasn’t becoming merely a lady of the court, but queen of an entire kingdom? From the whole ordeal before cotillion, he’d known that she didn’t handle pressure well. And she had to be under a lot more pressure now.
Just by hearing the desperation, the sadness, the hurt in her voice, watching how she was so utterly breaking down into tears her whole body was shaking and she could barely breathe, he could see how much this had hurt her, how much it was hurting her now–to know she’d lied to her closest friends and had let them down. She’d done what she’d thought she’d had to in order to protect everyone and at the same time live up to royal expectations. Amid all the sudden changes that had come with being engaged to the king, and with the unexpected chaos of Audrey and the scepter, and having to get along with Uma and her crew, she’d done the best she could. Who could say whether he wouldn’t have done something similar if he’d been in her place? He didn’t know what to say, but sometimes words weren’t needed. Instead he stepped over to her, reached out, and wrapped his arms around her, hugging her close, but holding his arms loose enough that she could pull away, if she wanted to.
it hurts. everything hurts. emotionally, physically. she’s in agony knowing that she’s disappointed everyone to ever care about her. knowing that no matter how hard she tries to make up for it, it won’t ever be enough because she broke their trust and worse than that, she broke their hearts. they had looked to her for leadership and she had failed to provide. it didn’t matter than she felt like she was being held together by a thread, or that every part of her ached with self-hatred at the very idea of lying to them. she’d still done it. and maybe that was unforgivable, maybe they’d always look at her and see that person, the one who had taken their trust and ripped it to shreds right in front of them. as that person who had been willing to abandon everything she thought she stood for all for the good opinion of people she’d never met. all for fear. fingers clench against the bottom of her ribcage where the hurt has settled, in her heart, in her lungs, in her stomach. her entire chest feels too small, too tight, too fragile for the way her heart is pounding against her ribs.
she can’t even voice an apology. she’s weak and useless and it doesn’t matter than no part of her is human because she feels more pitiful than ever before. and she must look it too, because jay steps in close and wraps his arms around her. he’s warm and soft and familiar and she doesn’t dare pull away. she doesn’t want to pull away. instead she buried her head against his chest, shoulders still shaking with each body wracking sob and her fingers uncurl from holding her stomach in place to instead curl into his shirt. “ i’m sorry-” she gasps, watery and breathless- voice worn ragged by emotion. she doesn’t know how to put this right. she wouldn’t know where to start. but she owes him an apology. she knows that much.
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